a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

It's Okay To Not Be Okay.

I woke up really angry and frustrated today. I felt the depression creeping slowing into my mind, overtaking my thoughts and building up like a storm. It takes your breath away leaving you feeling dull and empty. Like you aren't even a human at all. Sometimes I don't even know why it comes. Why it takes over my whole body, leaving me paralyzed. But I know why it has been lately.

I'm done pretending like everything is okay. Maybe he can be okay, but I can't. I can't go about, acting like I'm okay with everything that had happened and like I'm not hurting. I'm done putting on the brave face for my family, for his family, for everyone who asks me. I'm tired of saying I'm fine, we're still friends, nothing has changed because it has for me. It's not the same it won't be.

Everything has always been easy for him. He was popular in school, well liked, outgoing, athletic, and friendly. Is someone did him wrong, he didn't dwell over it. He moved on, got over it, and forgot about it. Maybe it's because he's a guy, maybe it's because it's just him. But I feel like he's doing the same thing with our relationship. Not even caring or acknowledging it even happened. Acting like everything is JUST FINE. It's not gosh dang it. I'm upset and I'm hurting and I'm depressed.

Don't tell me it's the same. Don't tell me to find someone else, meet new people, and date. Maybe you can, but I can't. I'm not ready and won't be ready for a long time (and at this point it feels like never). The fact he's okay with it and already starting to breaks my heart. Don't you even care about me? Don't you even have respect? Aren't you hurting? God, I just hate him because he doesn't even care and I'm sitting here a mess.

I just got tired of pretending everything was okay with me this past week. I asked for some space. To think, to reflect. Like this breakup, it's not what I want. I want to see him and hug him and tell him I miss him. But that's not for the best, and I know seeing him and talking to him and acting like it's okay isn't for the best either. It just kills me.

I don't know when I'll talk to him next. If I'll even bother seeing him before I go away. Part of me doesn't want to. I'm so anxious to leave this place and all of the snares it keeps me entwined in. To be released into the world a free dove, with no inhibitions and no one tying me down. But a part of me knows that's stuipid. That I'll be sitting at college, crying in my dorm room because I'm alone and I want my only friend back.


I think for this past week not only have I been trying to keep everything together for family, friends, him, ect...but I've been trying to keep it together for all you. I know you don't want to hear about this every day. I know post after post after post of mine you don't want to read about how sad I am. How heart broken I am. Because what am I? Nothing but a silly teenage girl who's going through what every person on the entire earth goes through. But I realize it isn't helping anyone by trying to act like it's okay. It isn't helping me not to write about what I'm feeling on here. It just hurts more bottling it up. As much as it frustrates me to write about this every day, it's what my life is now and what consumes it. My thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, my words are this break up right now. I need to take control again and (I'm sorry) but not write for someone else in mind but for me. I need to write what I want when I want and not be afraid to let it all out. I know I'll probably get one too many comments to get over myself, move on, or talk about something else...but at the end of the day this blog is the one piece that keeps me all together. One of the only (and this is not an exaggeration) things that make me happy.

I hope soon I can say a lot of things make me happy. Not just blogging. Not just sleeping in till twelve. Not just that piece of triple chocolate cake. But more things. And someday, when I'm ready, I can have another person that makes me happy, too.

But first I just want to make me happy. That's the first step.

And you know what? Sometimes it's okay not to be okay at first.

With much love, Lauren.


Sweets and Hearts said...

i won't tell you the cliches (because i'm sure everyone else already has or will). do whatever you need to do to just go through it. you'll be okay, of course--but you don't have to force it. it'll come. promise. ♥ ♥ ♥

Rubi Ruiz said...

Really needed to hear that right now. It's okay to not be okay. I've been feeling like that too, just overwhelmed with life and all the stress that comes with it. It's not always peachy, sometimes we go through trying times but that's okay. I hope you feel better soon and I'll keep you in my prayers.

With Love,


Unknown said...

Even though may not, I see much strength in what you said about making yourself happy first. You are going to get through this dear, I know that you will. I know it is hard. Just know that you do have people who care about you. Sending some prayers and happy thoughts your way!


katie said...

Breakups really suck.

There's just not much fun about it, and it's okay to NOT be okay about it, that everything is not fine. It's good to talk about stuff and get it all of your chest. You'll hate me for saying this, but it might be good not to see Matt for a little while, if you're not okay with pretending everything's good. (chances are, he's pretty tore up inside, but guys try to power through bad times and act like nothing affects them, so don't read too much into him acting so casual about all of this. He's probbably putting on a brave face for you dear. And so sorry, here I go trying to offer advice!) I wish I could give you a big hug, you really sound like you need one or at least a pat on the shoulder.
I hope some peace comes to you through this, you've had a rough and emotional summer.
I'm always here if you ever feel like you need to talk or get it all of your chest dear. Take care of yourself, okay? :)

PS- oh! Thank you for your sweet comment the other day, you are such a sweetie! ^_^ Have you seen those polka dotted denim shirts at Old Navy yet? So cute!

Kezzie said...

Of course, it's ok to feel like that. And you will do for a long time. I felt awful about my ex-breakup for a LONG time. Everytime I spoke to him, it was painful, but I did it, because I felt I needed to, not all the time, maybe every couple of weeks or once a month or so, but it wasn't easy when I did it. And when he started going out with someone else, as I said, that was hard, it seemed so soon. But I survived. It might seem like a long period of survival before 'living again', but eventually I did. That was when I was 22. I didn't start going out with my present boyfriend until I was 28! That was a long time! You have to do what is right for you. Take care Lauren.x

Teddi said...

lauren, you're right. sometimes it IS okay, not to be okay. many people don't want to admit that. it's definitely okay to be true to yourself, & find what makes you happy.

Angel said...

I went through a small break up right before starting college too. Only it didn't bother me this much, but I will say that once I started school and got to my dorm room I felt great. I ment a bunch of new people, especially in my classes. They'll have lots of fun games for everyone the first week, I suggest you go. It's such an easy way to meet people. I hope you start feeling better soon!

TaNuja said...

dunno what to say... lauren..

but take care :(

n listen to your heart

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Katherine said...

It sucks. It really does. Doesn't matter if you are young and old. But you know what I say? Don't hold it in for anyone. Let it all out. I still treasure the day I called my last ex-boyfriend and told him off in a voice so chilling my friend stopped the car (we were driving home when this happened). Anyhow, everything isn't always happy, things suck sometimes, and no one expects you to keep it all together through this. If you have ever watched Gilmore Girls, my advice is to find the episode where Rory breaks up with Dean, get some awesome ice cream, and just sit and watch that on repeat. I dunno, that's what I used to do. Because a good wallowing session is needed.
Then after staying up all night, I usually went shopping.

On another note - after that break up I was talking about, I was pissed, but it was nearly the same timing as you. I went off to college and met my husband a few weeks into college. Cliche or not - it's the truth. It's just going to not be great for awhile.

I'm sure that doesn't help, but I really do want to console you because I've so felt like this before.

<3 katherine
of corgis and cocktails

Camille said...

I have never gone through what you are going through and I can't imagine what it feels like. I do know is that it must hurt. I'm sorry you're going through this but do what you need to do to feel better. We are all rooting for you, Lauren!


Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry abot how your feeling :) I know it must be tought. Praying for you!1 <3

Yes, they do make fairs look magical in the movies. (: Our fair isn't have bad though.

love your outfit. SO cute! I use ot have a skirt just like that. comfiest thing ever.

Keep Shining, Lizzy <3

Charity said...

Hi there,

I've been visiting your blog for a little while now and I've seen these posts on your break up and they constantly reminded of my very own. I've always been too ashamed of how young I am to admit just how hard it hit me.

You are exactly right. You are not alone. I hadn't yet commented on any of these posts because I didn't feel I could say anything helpful, but this one just rings so true to my heart. I have felt what you are feeling. What I couldn't put into words, you did. This post made me cry which I haven't done in a while. My breakup was months ago, and while I still feel the occasional sting, it gets better.

Spending over two years with someone created a large attachment, so I can only imagine what you had, regardless, I believe God's got someone for all of us, including you and I. I'll be praying for you, I understand.

Seek that happiness, in everything you can, even the tiny things. You'll find it.


Anonymous said...

Hi Lauren,

I hope college helps you feel happier again. I think it will; there is so much to do, to learn, and new friends waiting to be made. Hope saying this makes you take heart for the future.


Blogger Template by pipdig