a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Friday, August 31, 2012

Killing Me Slowly.

Plum Lace Dress: Forever21.
Black Spiked Heels: TJ Maxx.
Red Beret: Target.
Gold Cameo: Thrifted.

It's a wonderful feeling to have friends. People who care about you. In high school, I always vehemently claimed that I didn't have any friends, that I was a complete loner. Looking back now though, I realized that I had so many friends that I didn't even realize I had. It makes me so sad I didn't appreciate them when I was at that point in my life. I thought having friends meant having someone who was exactly like you; had all of your common interests and was in synch with your thoughts. Turns out I had a really narrow definition of friends (and probably the reason why I didn't have many). Now I'm realizing now that in high school I had so many people there for me, accepting me as I was and being there for me. It didn't take them being bloggers, owning a camera, and spending the evening making up outfits to be my friend. Just being there for me was enough.

It makes me angry at myself for having such a narrow view and closed mind about having friends in high school. Why didn't I see the bigger picture? Why didn't I appreciate what I had? Because all of us appreciate things more when they're gone and I do miss the people from my hometown. They knew me by name, knew my passions, my loves, my life. As much as I thought they didn't know me...they knew me better than I knew myself.

So I'm trying to go into college with a more open mind. I don't have to have OHMYGOSH have every single thing in common with someone to be their friend. Just having an open heart to listen and understand and care is enough. Things have been working pretty well, too. I went out to lunch with two gals and talked for hours and then had a nail painting party tonight with them. Everything was so simple, but I appreciated it so much these girls will never know or realize. And I felt myself and comfortable with them, not the awkward girl who usually hides all of her flaws. But just Lauren today. She was enough.

Even though these past few days have been rough for me emotionally with everything that's been going on...having this little light has been a good distraction. It makes me feel alive and not like a sobbing, sad, walking mess. Tomorrow morning I'm going back home for the weekend and I.am.so.excited. I miss home, but I'm not homesick. Does that make sense? Probably not. I like my life here, but sometimes you just want to go back to familiarity. I just miss things. My bed. My kitty. Taking a bath instead of a shower (that's been a rough one). And especially my family. I miss them a lot. A lot, a lot.

With much love, Lauren.

Only One Of You.

Hello there!
I'm guest posting with an outfit + thoughts on fitting in at college today over at Maria's lovely blog, Avenue M! If you'd like to see the rest of this outfit, see what I have to say, or just peek over at her blog (it's dreamy); you can check the post out here!

With much love, Lauren.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Heavy Hearted.

Peter Pan Blouse: Forever21.
White Skirt, Earrings: Thrifted.
Black Boots: H&M.
Beret: Target.

I thought I was doing well until it hit me today. No amount of homesickness, hard classes, getting lost, being soaked, or feeling just plain lonely has been worse than this empty hole that has been left in my heart. Little things would make me sad now and then, reminders and memories, but nothing like today's been. Today my heart feels like a thousand pounds.

It started off with nightmares last night, waking up constantly, fighting off the thoughts that I've been avoiding for weeks now. Realities that should have come first but instead I was too busy worrying about everything else. I woke up groggy and tired, already beaten down from relieving all of the horrific thoughts I usually don't let enter my mind. All about him.

Sometimes I can't believe it all happened. It seems like some nightmare that I dreamt up, nothing real, nothing permanent. Things would be like they always have the past five years. But every morning I wake up to a reality realizing how much things aren't the same and never will be. I never understood what people meant by a broken heart and it sounds so cheesy...but I understand now.

A piece of you feels missing. You wake up in the morning and your chest hurts. It's tight and clenched, leaving you gasping for air as your stomach condenses and holds. It doesn't feel like heartburn, no it's ten times worse than that. It's the most horrible feeling in the world to have a broken heart.

Realizing he's not here anymore, the one person who's been there for me for everything kills me. It.kills.me. To know that it didn't have to end this way, that I didn't have to lose my best friend, the person who knew me in and out. I didn't have to do this college experience alone; I would have had someone to share all of my triumphs and failures with. Be there for me when I came back to town and hug me when I go away again. I'm angry; so fricken' angry at him for what he's done to me.

The string of lies, the back stab, the betrayal...I hate him for doing this to me and doing this to us and I want to hate him but a part of me just can't because all I can be is sad.

Sad that he's moved on and I guess I have no choice but to,too. But God, I don't want to move on. I want everything to be like it was and I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright and wipe away my tears just like he always did...but he can't anymore.

Because all I can do is have nightmares of him with another girl, replaying that night over and over again in my mind. What I felt, the hot tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision. The fireworks, bursting into the sky and the ohhs and ahh and myself, looking into the blackness of night wishing I were dead. Over and over and over again. He will never understand. Never know how much he has killed me with all of this. How much hurt and pain and anger he causes me to have that is unforgivable and insurmountable. He will never know or understand what it feels to have this heartbreak. The most potent, earthshaking, painful thing I have ever felt in my life. He will never understand.

I wonder all of the time what I could have done differently. What I could have done to make him want me, not someone else. I find myself wanting to lose weight because he didn't like my body, straighten my hair every day because he didn't like it wavy, and wear tight jeans and name brand clothing because he was embarrassed of what I wore...I keep thinking, maybe if I had done all of these things, I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't be sitting here, my heart on fire and my lips numb because he would want me. Not someone else. I would change everything about myself. I wouldn't be a feminist, I would like exercising, I would...I would do anything just not to feel all of this.

But then I realize how stupid all of that is and I get angry at myself. Angry that I could want to change so much of myself just for a guy who didn't give a darn about me and still doesn't give me one thought at all. Angry at myself for being so pathetic and wanting him back after everything he did to me and continues to do. Angry that I can't move on, even though I know I need to.

There are thousands of guys here. Thousands and thousands. Many are cute, many are my type. Many are my dream guy. But I don't want them.Ii don't want any of them. I can't look, I can't think, I can't even pretend to be interested because I'm not. All I am is sad and still stuck over a guy who doesn't give one damn about me. Who probably never did and who's moved on and not even thinking about the silly, stupid girl crying over her laptop at 12 at night.

I had a lot of things to say tonight. I thought about them throughout the day, carefully planning out what I was going to say, choking up and letting out tears just thinking about it. Formulating how to express my feelings in an eloquent way that wouldn't come across as desperate and pathetic. But now sitting in my dorm bed with the lights off and the clock ticking...I just rambled and ranted and didn't make any sense and made a fool out of myself and didn't get anything out of this besides a good cry. No words will ever be able to say what I feel and how much I hurt. How much I didn't expect to hurt like this because I was ''a strong woman and would handle this.' But I'm not. I'm sad and I'm heart broken and I don't understand a lot of things right now. Why I think it's okay to voice all of this to 655 people; I don't know and I'm sorry, I just do.

Tonight though I went to a Christian worship meeting on campus. I was really tired, just wanted to sit down and write this post, crying, moping, and eating out of a pint of Ben and Jerry's. But going to this worship service tonight made the tiniest difference in all of this sadness I feel. All with one sentence I sang tonight;

"There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning"

And it rang soundly for me. Because even though today was hard (so, so hard) the next day will be better, and the next day after that even better. Even if I can't see it and it seems to hurt just as much... God will be here to help me with all of this hurt, confusion, and heartbreak I'm going through. And I'm the type of person who wants to deal with things on my own and wallow in my misery, but for once it's nice to have a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to.

Tonight I may be heavy hearted, but tomorrow is a new day ❤
With much love, Lauren.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Dot Your I's.

Polka Dot Dress, Pearl Earrings: Thrifted.
Red Wedges: Blowfish.
Red Bow Belt: c/o OASAP.

Hello ❤ 
Unfortunately, it's been yet another wildly frustrating and exhausting day. It seems I just can't catch a break. I'm not going to sit here and mope around in my misery though. Tomorrow is a brand new day and with that... I hope it's a better one.

Here's a quote a dear friend told me the other day that I've been keeping in mind;

 "We may not always have control over when our life ends, but we always have absolute control of when it begins." 

With much love, Lauren.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Learning Along The Way.

The last few days have been really trying on me. Emotionally, physically, mentally. There is an exhaustion that comes with college that I wasn't quite expecting, at least not at first. I guess one of the things I miss most is stabilization in my life, which I seem to have none at the moment. Everything feels semi-permanent. Not really my own yet, not really familiar. I miss familiarity. I miss it a lot.

Last night was hard. My roommate was throwing up and long time readers of my blog know my struggles with OCD and my phobia of getting sick. I couldn't stay in the dorm, as exhausted as I was, but went to a friend's dorm close by and slept on the floor. I was so appreciative of them to let me do that! Leaving the dorm at 8 in the morning though and walking back to my room with a pillow, blanket, ect probably looked pretty incriminating though...I got quite a few giggles and stares as I walked by. Heellloooo one night stand look-alike.

Today it poured rain all day. I mean, poured. it didn't let up, didn't take a break. It poured. I walked to my classes, both a half hour away without an umbrella- which my dim witted brain forgot. It was actually really funny how soaked, dripping water and making a puddle I was. I couldn't help but smile and laugh at myself for looking like I just got out of the shower. Sometimes you have to take things with a grain of salt (or something like that).

Even though the past few days have been some of the hardest days of my life (who knew it was so hard just to take care of yourself), I'm not going to give up on this. I'm not giving up on my dreams and desires and wants because I can't sleep in my dorm, get soaked in a rainstorm, or the multitude of other things that have happened...I know there's going to be good days. I know there's going to be bad days. It takes living through the bad days to really appreciate how wonderful the good days actually are- and I have experienced those here. It's like nothing I've ever felt.

Anyways, tomorrow is a new day. A new chance at a lot of things. And I can say...college hasn't beaten me down yet

With much love, Lauren.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Life's Snapshots #18

Hello everyone!
It's been quite a whorl wind of a past few days but I can say that it has been such a fun, exciting experience. Yesterday I went and explored downtown which is pretty much all I could ever dream of. An ice cream shop, popcorn shop, indie clothing stores, street lamps...sigh, so dreamy! I've been taking my camera around with me everywhere but I've been too shy to whip it out and take pictures. Here are some from downtown yesterday though, as well as, some pictures of some food I've eaten lately. It's pretty darn delicious eating here if you ask me!

Speaking of food, I really don't understand how people gain the freshman fifteen...I have never walked so much in my LIFE and my calves are so sore! I mean, maybe it's just my campus, but I feel like between all of the walking to get places + being on the fourth floor of my building (and using the steps!) that I'll be doing the opposite of gaining fifteen pounds.

While I'm on the topic of weight though, I've been meaning to tell you something rather disheartening that happened a week or so ago. A company contacted me and asked if I wanted to try out a sample pair of their jeans- I of course said yes! After my positive response, they sent me some images of ones I could pick from and then told me to order my size from 1 to 7. I emailed them back, asking if they had anything bigger than a 1 to 7 and they never even responded. I just think it's really crappy of them that they wouldn't have any bigger sizes because 1) my feelings were hurt 2) EVERYONE deserves to have their size carried. The average woman is a size 12 here in the United States and to be told that a company only carries up to a size 7 isn't representing all body types. But that's just my stubborn opinion, anyways.

Anywho, I'll hopefully be back soon with outfit pictures or something; thank you for all of the kindness and support!
With much love, Lauren.

Life Is Beautiful.

Magenta Skirt, Teal Blouse, Tan Satchel, Flower Ring, Socks: Forever21.
Straw Hat; Thrifted
Pink and Pepper Ruffle Flat; c/o Pink and Pepper.

It's late. I am exhausted.
But I've never felt so happy. Or alive. Or wanted.

Maybe it was just a good day but things are looking up. I want to tell you all every single detail, every amazing thing that happens here but realistically I would be typing all night. And as I said;

It's late. I am exhausted.
But life is so, so beautiful.

With much love, Lauren.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Roller Coster.

White Collar Blouse, Black Pleated Skirt, Tan Leather Satchel: Forever21.
Cameo Necklace; Gift from Grandmother.
Cameo Ring, Red Beret: Target.
Bow Flats: JcPenny's.

Being at college is like being on a roller coaster. That or a really crappy period. One minute everything is fine and you're on top of the world, feeling unstoppable. You feel like you could live here the rest of your life being more than content- living the life you dream of. And in another moment? You're down in the dumps, doubting yourself and your abilities, and wondering if you should have made a different decision.

I've felt these two highs and lows so many times today and I can't even keep track. But at the end of the day with my sore feet and weary body; I have a new outlook on everything that I did yesterday. It's beautiful because every moment I learn something different, meet someone new, explore the unknown...but it's all exhausting and trying on my soul. I just need a good night's rest to clear my head and process everything that happens so quickly.

Enough philosophical musings of Lauren tonight anyway! God looked out for me when picking out a dorm building because literally a step away from my building is a quaint little patch of woods that is so perfect and beautiful. It's far enough back that I don't have everyone staring at me, which is something I'm definitely shy about. I'm so used to taking my pictures in the middle of abandoned woods, with no one bothering me...this campus is reaming with thousands of kids, literally everywhere I look. So, finding this little haven was the biggest blessing so far. It lets me to continued to do what I love and start out slow at first before I move onto the more open parts of campus to take pictures. It'll take some confidence building.

Looking forward to tomorrow, but even more looking forward to a wonderful night's sleep in my comfy dorm room❤

With much love, Lauren.

P.S. To keep more up in depth with all of what goes on during my days, you can check out my twitter or instagram (both @passingwhimsies) if ya wanna, ya know if you find me interesting or something (which I don't know why you would). I've had some pretty funny things happen to me that you'll get a giggle out of ;)

Thursday, August 23, 2012

New Beginnings,

It's been a stressful, exhausting day. But a good one nonetheless. I feel happy. Content. But still scared out of my mind. Yep, definitely that.

It was long and daunting unpacking all of my things and I must admit I freaked out about the whole thing more than I ever should have. I mean, I was expecting packing to be stressful, but I didn't really realize how bad it was until my anxiety and OCD kicked into overtime. Thankfully everything is set up now and I feel like I'm at home. I have Audrey Hepburn looking down at me on the top bunk and Christmas lights delicately wrapping around my bed post. My diary is to my left, waiting to be filled with all today's adventures, and in cut out letters, the word 'dream' is on my wall. It is truly heaven.

It didn't feel real though leaving my parents, saying our goodbyes. I didn't cry like I thought I would. They didn't cry like I thought they would. Perhaps it's because I feel like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and my dad will be in the kitchen, reading the paper at out worn out table. My sister will be watching the Olympics- even though they're long over. And my mother. My mother will be waiting for me to go to Mcdonald's with her and get her extra large unsweetened ice tea with extra ice and four equal. The same thing she's been getting four times a day for thirty years. I'm crying for the first time today now and I don't know why. Maybe because from now on, everything is different- never going to be the same.

I've wished a lot of today though that I could call him. Tell him about everything, like I always planned to. To tell him what I feel and what I fear and that I'm excited. But then I have to stop and think because it's not like that anymore, and it makes me sad. So, so sad. I know things will get better though. It just takes some time to heal and forget.

But I feel so comforted in knowing that at the end of each day, this blog is waiting here for me. A place of familiarity, of home, and of my friends. It makes me feel less scared, less like I'm in this totally unknown place all alone.

Tomorrow will be another long day but I'm looking forward to exploring and adventuring. I can't wait until I fall asleep so I can wake right up and start again. I am feeling every emotion a human can feel tonight.

Here's to new beginnings. 

With much love, Lauren.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Life Starts Now.

Lavender 1950's Dress, White Bow Heels, Crystal Necklace: Thrifted.
Vintage Floral Hat: Gift from my lovely blogging friend, Hannah.

Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for. For years. For months. For weeks. For days. I am leaving for college and starting my new life.

Deciding to go away to college is one of the most courageous decisions I've ever made. Actually, I'd say the most courageous decision. I've lived a safe life with many regrets. I don't take chances, I don't follow my heart, and I settle for less than I deserve. But I'm tired of doing all of these things...

I want to live and be happy. I want to learn all sorts of new things, express my creativity to its maximum potential. I want to make the friends I never got to have and laugh until my stomach hurts- what people always talk about (and I dream of feeling). I want to meet new people, be introduced to different personalities and different lifestyles. I want to be scared, scared out of my mind and feel happiness that I've never thought I could feel. I want to stay out late and go to a party (just to see what it's like). And on the other hand- I want to stay up late all night, studying, just to say I have.

I want to get lost, find my way, and lose myself. And find myself again, of course. I want to discover the things I never knew about myself, and reassure myself in the person I'm becoming. I want to fall in love, forget all about the boy who broke my heart, and find someone who will love me for me, flaws and all. I want to prove to people that they were wrong about me, show them what they never thought I could do and do what I never thought I could do.

I want so, so much...so much it hurts. And I know that I can't find all of these things in this town. I can hardly find any of them. This town will always be my home, my safe place, and where I come to for refuge...but I will never get to experience LIFE here. The life I deserve to live. Not the one crying over a silly boy who was my everything for so many years (and shouldn't have been), not sitting in my house all day, being bored, and certainty not living this life in between the lines like I always have.

I went out to take these pictures today, completely in awe that it would be my last time for awhile. I visited all of my favorite spots...the lake with the lily pads and croaking frogs that reflects the sun in the evening. The quiet, haunting woods where the wind tickles my hair and makes me look behind my shoulder. The dried up ground, risen up with tree roots, and lighting to die for. An old bridge, carved with the names of past and present loves, including my own love which seem like so long ago... I went to each and every spot, taking a picture at each one, soaking in all that I had left. I started crying, totally overwhelmed by what I'm going to go through tomorrow. What it means to start life over.

You wait for something for so long, dreaming about it and wishing for it every day...and when it's finally tangible? It scares you. You didn't think it was going to happen, that it was still light years away...almost happening to someone else.

And in that moment, you just want to go back. Back to the days when he held you as a young teenage girl, back to that first day of high school- looking up to the underclassmen, dreaming of being them, back to the lunch table of people who you never really considered friends but now you realize they were so much more...back to the simple holidays with your family and the late night runs to Mcdonald's and your grandmother clipping your finger nails for you--holding your face in her hands, crying because she's going to miss her first grandchild going off to college. Because all that's gone now and you can't get it back. You only have a blank diary page in front of you, waiting to be filled.

Filled with happiness, tears, fears, anxiousness, disappointments, cloud nines, loves, desperations, exhaustions, confusions, nostalgias, and hopes.

I am scared out of my mind for tomorrow. For this week. For the rest of my life. But I just can't sit by and watch my life pass me by. I want to do something and be someone. I want to reach my dreams, fail at something, then pick myself back up again.

I want to find out who someone like me is and I want to start right now. Because I deserve to. We all do.

With much love, Lauren.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It Just Takes Some Time.

Cream Knitted Poncho, Mockneck, Slouchy Beanie: Thrifted.
Nude Mini Skirt: c/o OASAP.
Straw Wedges: Lulu's.
Straw Clutch: Plato's Closet.

Hello everyone!
Most of my wardrobe is packed up in taped boxes so I'm pretty limited to clothing that is;

a) winter.
b) too short/ too big
c) something I don't like.

And thus, this outfit was created! I love my poncho to death and thankfully it was a cooler day here so I could sport it. Again, it was a wonderful cover for my poison ivy ;) This skirt I love but it's so.darn.short. Every time I wear it I feel like I'm mooning half the country. Probably a good thing I'm not taking it to Kent...

I was on Maggie's blog last night and she did a post with various quotes that I absolutely fell in love with. Here are a few of my favorites that have been inspiring me and helping me out through this time.

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."

"Maybe him leaving was a good thing. Maybe God knew you wouldn't be able to walk away yourself."

"I believe you can still love someone without liking them. You love them for the person they were when they were with you, and how they made you feel at one point. You can still love them, and you might always. But you can still not like them, their personality might have changed. They might have gone the wrong way, they might have lost themselves. Or, they might have just given up on you. Or everything the believed in before. It can happen."

And one I made up:

"You've lost all my respect, lost all of my trust, and most importantly; you've lost all of the person who used to care the world about you."

Hope you all are doing well!
With much love, Lauren,
Blogger Template by pipdig