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♥ HELLO EVERYONE! ♥
So excited yet sad that this is my last post of 2013. Nostalgia hits me like a wrecking ball this time every year (har har har). But in all seriousness, I am clutching onto 2013 with my finger tips. I don't want to see this year go, in all honesty. It was the best year of my life, hands down and that's not something I say every year. 2012 was super rough for me. I was still in high school, went through a really bad break up, struggled through my first few months of college...but 2014 was a breath of fresh air and was everything I wanted it to be and more.
It was less of an emotional year than most. I found myself not being the usual angsty teenager of my previous years, but came to a contentment and happiness with my life that was never there before. An inner peace of acceptance to live my life positively and to forgive others. I feel like this was just a really gradual change at perhaps becoming older and exiting my teen years and turning 20 this past August (eep). Strangely enough, with this new found acceptance of a positive life, I've found myself much more independent of others. Not friend wise--thankfully I've forgone some of my loner ways and taken great strides to improve my social skills. But with dating, relationships, and not worrying about what the future holds for me with these things.
A year ago I was a mess about this. I was weak, very dissatisfied and scared of never finding someone. I was having a big pity party for myself about not having anyone to love me and that angers me that I did that. Somewhere along the road in 2012 though I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started to become capable and able to realize that I don't need someone else to fulfill me. I'm the happiest I've ever been without someone completing me and that is awesome. Sure, absolutely I look at couples and people I know getting engaged and want that and wonder if it's in the cards for me. But for a huge majority of the time, I feel so content as a single right now and have no desire to date or see anyone. It's just this awesome feeling of depending on yourself and seeing yourself through your own eyes...and seeing someone who's strong, capable, able to be loved, and will be someday by the right person when the time is right.
I've got to say 2013 was also just this wonderful year of accomplishment for me. I'm never really feel proud of myself for the things I do. I don't know. I just blog and that's it. To me, it's not inspiring or life changing, and I honestly don't get the reason why people even like or enjoy my blog. Really. But after looking through all of my past outfits to do this roundup post, I became so proud of myself and everything I've accomplished in this past year. I saw myself through slightly different eyes and could see that I shouldn't always bump myself down to being ordinary and plain when I can do extraordinary things. Being in Seventeen is an example of that. I still can't believe it to this day and sometimes I have to remind myself that is was me. That miracle has me hooked on knowing that truly anything for me is possible. It has me setting my dreams higher and bigger which I'm so excited about!
One thing that this year really lacked though is two things that I hope to kind of make a combined resolution for 2014. I feel like being in college I should be making such distinct memories and getting outside of my comfort zone. I've grown a lot, but not as much as I would have liked. I am fairly still the same person I was in high school that I am now. I've always liked that person, but I want to see how far I can make myself go and stretch. I want my limits and boundaries to be pushed and make 2014 the year I did things. I want to feel like I lived in 2014 instead of always saying, "maybe next time" or "I'm too tired," and even "I don't want to." I want to say yes to more things my heart is telling me to do. Not to say dangerous, dumb things. But things that college should be like staying up all night with friends instead of my usual lame excuse of getting to bed. Like, what other time in my life am I going to get to do that?! I want to make that time now. And the second part of my resolution somewhat goes along with the first part--to strengthen and grow my friendships. I feel as though I really put a lot of effort into my college friendships when I first started freshman year of 2012. But it seems like after my first semester, I became content with the same people I hang out with and didn't bother to improve my relationship with them or even venture out to become friends with anyone else. I was perfectly happy with what I had. I shouldn't put myself into a box for making friends! There's no numerical limit on the number I should have. I want to do more for them and with them and not feel stuck in this mud pit of average that I always seem to fall into. It's hard for me to be the one to reach out, make plans, and keep in contact. Rejection from my past friendships have really scared me of doing all this. It's time to put those past scars behind though and realize I can be friends with and get as close as I want to anyone. None of the ghosts of my past are stopping that.
Thank you all for being with me for a truly incredible year. I am excited and nervous for 2014. It holds studying abroad in Italy for a semester which I know will change my life forever. It wasn't until today that it really hit me--I'm scared. When people have been asking me how I feel, I've just kept telling them, "excited, excited, excited." And yes, I am excited. But I realize I'm really scared, too. Scared of change, making mistakes, and of risks. But I know that it's going to be okay, and my excitement for not only Italy but the rest of 2014 is snow balling bigger and bigger. I'm ready for you beautiful new year ♥
With much love, Lauren.
