a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Friday, August 3, 2012


I don't know how to start this post. So I'll just say it simply. Today, August 3rd, Matt and I have ended our five year relationship.

It's been a long time coming. Years and years in the making. I think I thought things were going to change. That I would eventually fall in love with him, end up happily, become married one day. I fooled myself into thinking I was happy. That I could deal with this lack luster relationship and be just fine. But I haven't been fine.

Matt and I met when I was thirteen years old. Just a young girl. You all wouldn't recognize her. I had just gotten heart broken by a guy named Ryan who I had a crush on for months and when I confessed how much I liked him, turns out he didn't like me back. I wasn't but a few days later Matt came into my life. AIMing me and telling me I was cute. We started dating. He was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. My first of a lot of things.

I don't know when I fell out of love with him. Or maybe if I ever was in love with him to begin with. All I know is that I knew I didn't feel what I should for him. I knew that this couldn't be the one thing every person in the world pines after, what the movies are made about, what musicians write songs of...if it was, then I would live an unhappy life.

Ever since our almost break up the beginning of June we decided to give things a second chance. To see if maybe we had just become numb to what we had and forgotten how special it was. I think we were both just realyl scared. Scared of living our lives without the person who had been there for five years. Scared of missing a huge piece of life. Scared of every routine being changed (because we are both diagnosed OCD patients). We should have broken up this past June. I knew it, he knew it. But yet we couldn't. Couldn't lose the idea of losing us.

In so many aspects I've been selfish. So selfish I disgust myself. I've hung onto this miserable relationship because I've been too scared. Too scared of being alone. Being without someone. Not having someone to go to prom with. Not having him at my graduation. Not having him celebrate my birthday...I feel like for years I put off breaking things off because there was always some 'event' coming up that I didn't want him not to be apart of. Obviously there's always going to be something we go together to and it was stupid of me to hang onto something dead along time ago. I didn't want the thought of him having anyone but me. Thinking about him wiping another girls tears, kissing her, laughing at her jokes, and just everything...It still makes me stomach wretch and twist and turn thinking about it.

So we've been talking about breaking up for a few weeks. I suppose it was something I thought and somewhat hoped for every day, yet dreaded. It's weird, I can't explain it. When people would ask me if I planned on marrying Matt I would flat out tell them no. When they asked me if I was in love with him, I would flat out tell them no. But when they asked these things I wanted to say yes. Wished I could say yes. But I couldn't.

Our reasons for breaking up are a lot. We're not in love anymore. Not sure if we ever were. We were just two kids for many years. Two young, young kids who had never dated anyone before. I'm going to Kent. He's staying here for school. It's not fair to both of us to be tied down to one another, not giving each other what the other truly deserves. Time, attention, affection. I can't give that to him and hour and a half away and he can't either.

We both deserve the chance at meeting other people. To experience dating. To experience falling in love, getting heart broken, and feeling alive. I think I held on so long for another selfish reason being I didn't want to be hurt. God, I'm so SELFISH. How I could hang on to Matt, not letting him experience and go after everything he should because I'm too scared of getting heart broken...of being sad. I sicken myself.

I want to meet other guys. I want to go on dates. But I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to meet someone and replace me Be all the things I could never be for him.

I'm just in this odd place where I'm excited and sad and hurt and confused and heartbroken. I'm not one clear thing and I just want to scream and cry because I don't want any of this but yet I do.

He wants to still stay friends and I do, too. More than anything on this earth. I never want to lose him. He means too much. But sometimes I don't see how it'll work. How we can just go about being everything we were like normal. Guaranteed I know we've been just best friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend, for the past months, years, god knows how long...and it shouldn't be that hard to keep being that. What we've always been. But it is. How can I keep calling him every night before I go to bed? How can I keep inviting him over to my house, hanging out, eating dinner with my family? How do I face his mother, his family, the people who have loved me for so long...? How to I just hang out and go out to eat with him, like nothing?

How do I tell people when they ask me- 'are you still with Matt?' How do I tell them no?

I've been pretty cool and collective all day since this happened at 2'oclock today. I've kind of just let it all sink in. I haven't cried. Haven't been upset. But now I am. I'm sitting here bawling like a fricken baby, gasping for air because it's over. Whether I want it to be or not, it's over.

The facebook status is changed, this post will soon be published, and I've told my mother. It's all really happening and not some fear or dream anymore.

We both deserve a lot more than we can give each other. I know this is for the best, he knows it's for the best, he's doing it so I can flourish and grow and be the girl I'm meant to be with the guy I'm meant to be with. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Doesn't kill. Doesn't mean it doesn't rip my heart out. Crushing it into a million pieces.

I know I'm nothing special. That millions of people have gone through a break up. Ten times worse then this. Divorces of spouses they've known for ten, twenty, thirty years...not a five year relationship of two teenagers. It's not really messy, we don't hate each other,wish the best for each other, and there's nothing dramatic involved. It's just two people who aren't meant to be together and realize that.

I hope one day I can be happy again. I hope that Kent makes me happy. It's my last chance. This was the one thing that I hung on to for so long because it was the only thing that made me somewhat happy. Now that it's gone, what do I have...? I need college to be my chance at happiness.

And if you're reading this Matthew? Just know that I love you. I love you so, so much it hurts my heart. You're used to me being dramatic, but I've never meant anything more than I mean this. You will forever and always mean so much to me. I love you more than words can explain, more than you'll ever know or understand. You are an incredible human, an incredible friend, and I am so happy you've been apart of my life for so long and hope you never stop. I'm sorry for everything, every little thing. I want so much for you and know it's what I can't give. I have nothing left to say other than, I love you. Always have, always will.

With much love, Lauren.


Mary said...

Oh, sweets. I'm so sorry. I'm going through something very similar right now, and it sucks. It's the worst. But know that you did the right thing, and keep moving forward. No matter what. Also, I have to say: I guarantee college will bring you happiness. Plain and simple, I know it. But also lots of other emotions, because when it comes down to it, as wonderful as it is, college is still real life, and joy doesn't come without pain, sometimes. But know too that college is definitely NOT your last chance for happiness--everyday is a new chance, and I know this from experience. I promise it. I know we just know each other from blogs, but know that I'm here on the other side of the Internet, proud of you for doing the hard but right thing, right when you needed to do it. And be proud of yourself too :)

Anonymous said...

I'm going through the exact same thing right now, only I haven't ended things yet but I know I need to. I'm so glad you posted this, it gave me courage and strength to do what I need to do although I know its still going to be very hard.

TaNuja said...

I know how all these confusions hurt and make your heart weak :'(

But I hope the best for both of you. Its nice that its not hatred that separated you but just mutual understanding.

Take care girl :)

Kariey said...

Oh, Lauren. I truly wish I could take away all of your pain. My best wishes are with you through this difficult time!
♥ Karen

Georgia said...

So sorry to hear. You deserve an incredibly amazing man, I am so sorry that things ended. ): Best wishes,


Britney @ Scout and Company said...

Lauren, you are the most amazing being ever! Truly. To be so brave to even publish this post :). And in real life I am sure you are even more amazing, even if the you that you put up on the internet isn't 100% the same as the you in real life. Even though they are not the same, a real life version is always ten fold the awesome!
Things will all work out well and beautiful. They really will! And its a good thing that this happened now. Because in order to open news doors and new possibilities [that you will find at college] you have close a few too.
You are a beautiful lady! And every day you inspire me to be a better version of myself. I am sure that there is a guy out there for you. A wonderful guy. But always remember that despite popular belief you are never completed by the person you are dating. You are already complete yourself. You are wonderful.
College isn't your final chance of happiness either. College will deliver you a mix of emotions, heck I go through thousands (maybe an over reaction) in one week. I'm a bundle of nerves around the people I like the most and most want to be friends with. And then I'm really loud or I'll get really angry over a little reason. But happiness is there :) Its just not your last chance. Its a new chance. Everyday is a new chance and a new moment. Everyday. Every single day.
You are extraordinary Lauren. Truly.
Lots of love!!!
Britney of Lemonwood and Honey

Anonymous said...

Hi. Your a strong and vibrant young woman, its a brave move you both made. Today marks the beginning of a pursuit of self independence and true love. Your young and beautiful never settle for less than what you deserve.. stay lovely as always.

Anonymous said...

When I read about young girls going through the ups and downs of relationships it makes me want to give you all a giant hug. I know that when older people try and tell you that it will all work out, and time heals all wounds, that it's not what you want to hear. So I won't say any of that.

Instead I want you to hear that no matter your age, the emotions you felt are/were real. And that does not diminish the importance of this event. It takes someone so brave to admit that the heart is not in love and to sever ties, and you should be proud of yourself for listening to your heart.

Of course it will be a multitude of emotions, and you can and should allow yourself to feel everyone of them. Life will be different. It may be scary, a little exhilarating, and difficult, but just know that every day will bring you one step closer to being happy.

You are so strong Lauren. And I'm sending you hugs from CA. <3


Anni said...

maybe its the best for you two!
I ended my relationship this year, too. We were together for 3 years.
Its difficult, but better!

Much love back, Anni

Cindi said...

Take your time to get through this - not over it. Someone you've been with for 5 years is not to be forgotten, but to be kept as a beautiful memory when you're ready for it. Until then, spoil your self, cry it out, let your mum hug you and know that everything happens for a reason.

Jen said...

Lauren, my best friend in the entire world just went through this. The only advice I could give her is that you will meet that one person who you will fall head over heels in love with. He's out there. Don't be afraid to search, but don't search too hard. She asked me if she would know it when she found 'the one' for her. I told her that it wouldn't feel like anything she's ever felt before. Recently, she's found 'the one' and I've never seen her happier.
Not that you needed that whole story, but take this time to realize who you are, who you want to be, who you're becoming, especially with going away to college. Take solace in the fact that you now know what you don't want to feel when you're with someone. Keep your chin up and just enjoy all the new experiences out there.

Hanne said...

I'm so sorry for you both. I hope things will get better and that you will end up happy! You are strong and can get through this.

Sarah Beckett said...

Stay strong Lauren! I will be praying that you find your answer to eternal happiness in the Bible. Put your faith, hopes and dreams with Jesus and He will give you ALL your heart's desires! I hope you don't think me all preachy, but I know that the only way you will ever be TRULY happy is when you let Jesus take control. Let HIM heal you, give you happiness and find the man that will love YOU for who you are unconditionally. Thank you for sharing what you are going through with us... Much love, Sarah xx

Teddi said...

sometimes love just doesn't feel like enough. sometimes there are more questions than answers, and sometimes one breath after another, one step in front of the other is all we can manage to do, at a moment. i think you showed each other the way. does that make sense? you showed each other what a good friend can be.

friedenlinde said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
friedenlinde said...

Sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear this. Sometimes things just change, and what made us happy in the past, won't make us happy in the future. I am sure that you and Matt will become close friends, but as things between you has changed, and both of your lives are going to change, you will be happy again, the both of you, just not as close as before. So don't worry. You are very young, and all the happy years are right there, waiting for you. Look forward to it and make evrey single minute as precious as it could be, as you are going to experience the best and the worst, and building your adult self going through these years. I wish you the very best, I know that you feel broken hearted right now and that the sadness will last for some time, but it will be gone, soon. So get ready for the "new you" and don't be afraid of it. Life is a change, everyday. Sending you big hugs!

katie said...

Sometimes the end of a realtionship is sad, but it really sounds like this was the best choice, for BOTH of you! Just from your posts, Matt sounds like a sweet dude, so I'm happy that you both have this chance now to find happiness and to kinda find your feet again. (It takes time to figure yourself out again, after a realtionship that long.) It sounds bitter sweet, but it can only get better from here, you both have the rest of your livies and I'm sure you will meet amazing people. ^_^
So go off, enjoy Kent, get out and meet new people, push yourself out of your comfort zone, it will be so worth it! I'm sure things will only go up from here for you. Take care dear, I wish I could give you a big hug!

Midwest Muse said...

The first break up is hard and in no time your life will develop a new sense of beauty and meaning and happiness and you'll realize what you've been missing. Being on your own and being somewhere new, will no doubt change you as a person. You'll meet a million new people, you'll find your way, you'll fall in love, your heart might break again, you'll learn more than you ever thought and most importantly, you will grow and blossom into the Lauren you're meant to be!

dom.the.mom said...

Sorry to hear about the breakup. I'm a recent follower but I've come to admire the integrity of your voice in your posts. Might have something to do with me being an English major, ha. Anywho, I just want to say that though you certainly can find happiness in college, it's important not to think that college is the only or the last "source" of happiness you'll find. As someone mentioned previously, college comes with a range of emotions. Frustration, anger, excitement, anxiety, etc. The important thing to remember is that you have to make this new experience what you want to make of it. You have to surround yourself with people - classmates, roomies, new friends - that will be able to help you feel more independent and confident with your new single self! Also, I'm sure you and Matt can work out being friends. I've had a similar type of conumdrum with an ex of mine, I mean we weren't together 5 years, but is was my first everything as well. It took a lot of trial and error, a lot of miscommunication, and a lot of on-and-off trial friendships but after three years, we really are cool with each other. He's one of my best and oldest friends. In time, I hope you have the same sort of relationship with Matt! Best of luck girl.


Nerd Burger said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. *hug*

Anonymous said...

Neither one of you are finished. Your not finished as people maturing, your not finished as knowing your own heart fully and what you want, and your not finished together.

Movies are just that, movies.

Keep your connections and enjoy your new freedom as well, but never completely close a door on something that you can never get back that you just may very well want four years from now after you see your college classmates are your highschool classmates, just one year older.

Keep positive girl! xoxo

maggeygrace said...

I started crying while I wrote this. I mean that.

I recently wrote a post about my break-up. I told myself it was happening for all of these logical reasons but in reality, I think we were both scared that we were getting in the way of each other's potential. We were being selfish. We've been broken up for the entire summer and I can honestly say I'm a better and happier person because of our break up. What we don't know now, 3 months down the road, if it was US or if it was the ties of a relationship when we are so young. We are going out on a "date" soon and while I'm excited, I am scared that it will only reaffirm that breaking up was the right thing to do. However, neither of us have hopes or expectations for our future and I'm so confident that whatever I decide for myself IS going to be what makes me happiest. Truly.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and if you EVER need someone to email, you can talk to me ANYTIME. As someone who has fresh wounds and fresh feelings about breaking up with the person they went to proms with, graduated with... even went to college with, I'd love to talk with you. <3

Unknown said...

Aw, Lauren! I can relate to what you said. I've been there before. It is hard to let go of your first love and someone you always thought you'd be with forever. Change is oh so difficult and never gets easier. But change is a part of life and thank God there is always a way to get through it! Take your time, but never be afraid to move on. Praying for you and sending a hug in your direction!!
Marie Danielle

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