a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Heavy Hearted.

Peter Pan Blouse: Forever21.
White Skirt, Earrings: Thrifted.
Black Boots: H&M.
Beret: Target.

I thought I was doing well until it hit me today. No amount of homesickness, hard classes, getting lost, being soaked, or feeling just plain lonely has been worse than this empty hole that has been left in my heart. Little things would make me sad now and then, reminders and memories, but nothing like today's been. Today my heart feels like a thousand pounds.

It started off with nightmares last night, waking up constantly, fighting off the thoughts that I've been avoiding for weeks now. Realities that should have come first but instead I was too busy worrying about everything else. I woke up groggy and tired, already beaten down from relieving all of the horrific thoughts I usually don't let enter my mind. All about him.

Sometimes I can't believe it all happened. It seems like some nightmare that I dreamt up, nothing real, nothing permanent. Things would be like they always have the past five years. But every morning I wake up to a reality realizing how much things aren't the same and never will be. I never understood what people meant by a broken heart and it sounds so cheesy...but I understand now.

A piece of you feels missing. You wake up in the morning and your chest hurts. It's tight and clenched, leaving you gasping for air as your stomach condenses and holds. It doesn't feel like heartburn, no it's ten times worse than that. It's the most horrible feeling in the world to have a broken heart.

Realizing he's not here anymore, the one person who's been there for me for everything kills me. It.kills.me. To know that it didn't have to end this way, that I didn't have to lose my best friend, the person who knew me in and out. I didn't have to do this college experience alone; I would have had someone to share all of my triumphs and failures with. Be there for me when I came back to town and hug me when I go away again. I'm angry; so fricken' angry at him for what he's done to me.

The string of lies, the back stab, the betrayal...I hate him for doing this to me and doing this to us and I want to hate him but a part of me just can't because all I can be is sad.

Sad that he's moved on and I guess I have no choice but to,too. But God, I don't want to move on. I want everything to be like it was and I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright and wipe away my tears just like he always did...but he can't anymore.

Because all I can do is have nightmares of him with another girl, replaying that night over and over again in my mind. What I felt, the hot tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision. The fireworks, bursting into the sky and the ohhs and ahh and myself, looking into the blackness of night wishing I were dead. Over and over and over again. He will never understand. Never know how much he has killed me with all of this. How much hurt and pain and anger he causes me to have that is unforgivable and insurmountable. He will never know or understand what it feels to have this heartbreak. The most potent, earthshaking, painful thing I have ever felt in my life. He will never understand.

I wonder all of the time what I could have done differently. What I could have done to make him want me, not someone else. I find myself wanting to lose weight because he didn't like my body, straighten my hair every day because he didn't like it wavy, and wear tight jeans and name brand clothing because he was embarrassed of what I wore...I keep thinking, maybe if I had done all of these things, I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't be sitting here, my heart on fire and my lips numb because he would want me. Not someone else. I would change everything about myself. I wouldn't be a feminist, I would like exercising, I would...I would do anything just not to feel all of this.

But then I realize how stupid all of that is and I get angry at myself. Angry that I could want to change so much of myself just for a guy who didn't give a darn about me and still doesn't give me one thought at all. Angry at myself for being so pathetic and wanting him back after everything he did to me and continues to do. Angry that I can't move on, even though I know I need to.

There are thousands of guys here. Thousands and thousands. Many are cute, many are my type. Many are my dream guy. But I don't want them.Ii don't want any of them. I can't look, I can't think, I can't even pretend to be interested because I'm not. All I am is sad and still stuck over a guy who doesn't give one damn about me. Who probably never did and who's moved on and not even thinking about the silly, stupid girl crying over her laptop at 12 at night.

I had a lot of things to say tonight. I thought about them throughout the day, carefully planning out what I was going to say, choking up and letting out tears just thinking about it. Formulating how to express my feelings in an eloquent way that wouldn't come across as desperate and pathetic. But now sitting in my dorm bed with the lights off and the clock ticking...I just rambled and ranted and didn't make any sense and made a fool out of myself and didn't get anything out of this besides a good cry. No words will ever be able to say what I feel and how much I hurt. How much I didn't expect to hurt like this because I was ''a strong woman and would handle this.' But I'm not. I'm sad and I'm heart broken and I don't understand a lot of things right now. Why I think it's okay to voice all of this to 655 people; I don't know and I'm sorry, I just do.

Tonight though I went to a Christian worship meeting on campus. I was really tired, just wanted to sit down and write this post, crying, moping, and eating out of a pint of Ben and Jerry's. But going to this worship service tonight made the tiniest difference in all of this sadness I feel. All with one sentence I sang tonight;

"There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning"

And it rang soundly for me. Because even though today was hard (so, so hard) the next day will be better, and the next day after that even better. Even if I can't see it and it seems to hurt just as much... God will be here to help me with all of this hurt, confusion, and heartbreak I'm going through. And I'm the type of person who wants to deal with things on my own and wallow in my misery, but for once it's nice to have a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to.

Tonight I may be heavy hearted, but tomorrow is a new day ❤
With much love, Lauren.


Carlee, Little Sloth said...

Like you said at the end of your post it will get easier. It know id probably doesn't feel that way now but it will, I have been were you are. It is not fun at all. I will be praying for you. You look lovely if that helps.
Almost Endearing

Carlee, Little Sloth said...

Like you said at the end of your post it will get easier. It know id probably doesn't feel that way now but it will, I have been were you are. It is not fun at all. I will be praying for you. You look lovely if that helps.
Almost Endearing

TaNuja said...

I understand somewhat what a broken heart can do to your life. One day's fight turns into a life mess and situation like this is a long hurting one :'(

It would have been a better feeling if you two had separated on mutual basis and not because of a third person. Getting ditched in such a long time relationship really really hurts. :(

But dont cry and dont feel miserable. and yes tomorrow is a new beautiful day.

You look beautiful in that dress. :)

Unknown said...

Hi Lauren,

So sorry for the pain you are dealing with. The day you describe here is one I have had so so so many times before, obsessed, sad, thoughts racing, insides torn up, tears barely held back in public. You are obviously a wonderful woman with so much going for you, but I understand how, right now, that can get lost in the pain that clutters your thoughts. Please know that there are plenty of people, online and in your life, that appreciate you just the way you are. Don't be discouraged in being yourself. It is so much more than enough.

As for something to help, pretty much just time but I also find if I can tire my body it helps with my mind as well. Put on some happy, peppy music and flail around your room like a wounded animal (well that's how I dance anyway :D).

And while it might be trivial, have to tell you that is a lovely outfit. You always have the coolest clothes. Take care of yourself, keep out of your head as much as possible, dance, smile, cry and know you will come out the other side of this much stronger than you went in.


OrigamiGirl said...

Moving house, changing scenes and having a break up all at once is just an awful combination. It is going to be stressful and difficult, but the things that make you you are not the things you should want to give up on, but find confidence in. Being you is how you will make friends and find someone who loves you for exactly who you are.

There are guys out there who are feminist, who will be photographers and take outfit pics for you and would never ever ask you to change. You're not pathetic for wanting him back and it's fine to not be interested in anyone else at the moment, but you should be proud of who you are and the kind of person you are. You should not change for anyone.

I would suggest keeping your self busy with other campus things. Make friends, go to events, talk to your dorm mates. Distractions help and making friends is never bad anyway! I hope you manage to find some good friends that you can talk to about all this at your uni.

Alice, Pretty Confused said...

Hey Lauren,

I've been trying not to comment since the whole horribleness with your ex came out on the blog, I didn't want to be another person bashing a guy who I don't know but reading this I was reminded of myself at your age and I wanted to tell you that everything you are feeling, all the sadness and pain, it will end. In many ways it can feel like these kind of things will haunt us forever, and honestly, if you let it then it will. But I don't think you are the kind of person who would.

I've said before that in so many ways you are stronger than I was at your age. Your head is screwed on properly, you're strong, and beautiful and just because one person rejected you. You are beautiful, and your sense of style is amazing. Trust me, in five years time you will have an awesome guy who will love you for exactly what you are, who will take your outfit photos when its too windy for a tripod and who will be smart enough to never let you go.

Grieving over your relationship is a process, some days you are gonna not want to get out of bed (particularly when you are dealing with depression anyway) and other days are going to be easier. It'll take time but eventually the bad days will be further and further apart until eventually one day you will wake up and realise you haven't thought of him in a week, a month, whatever.

You are one of the most beautiful people I've had the honour of meeting because of blogging. Your honesty and integrity always impress me. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and I know that one day you will have it.

Alice xo

Rubi Ruiz said...

Nothing in this world, no guy, no degree, no family member, no blog, nothing, can ever fully satisfy us. I'm married now but I can tell you that though my husband is incredible and I love him to pieces, he can never fully satisfy the longings of my heart and soul. That's when Jesus comes in the picture. Only he can satisfy my deepest longings and He satisfies my soul like no one ever can. I want to introduce you that Jesus. I'm glad you went to the worship service last night and I praise God for speaking to your hurting heart through the words of that song. It is truly beautiful to know that though we are in pain now, joy comes in the morning. I will pray for you Lauren! You are a sweet and strong girl.



Jana K said...

Aw, Lauren, I wish I could give you a hug. I have not been in a relationship, so I can't say I really understand. But I do know what it feels like to be alone.
I will be praying for ya, girly :) Keep your chin up! <3


P.S Um, how adorable can you get? I love this outfit. You look very classy.

Unknown said...


I completely understand what you are going through. I had a similar situation my freshman year of college. I was just so completely heartbroken. I actually wrote him a letter, that I had no intention of sending, and I wrote a lot of things that you just did: what if I wasn't so liberal, what if I were skinnier, what if I wore clothes only from Hollister, what if I did't have some zits on my face, would he love me then?

And it has taken me a LONG time, but I finally realized? Who cares? If I "fixed" all those things and he would suddenly love me, it wouldn't be worth it because he would be loving a person that is completely different from who I want to be.

Hang in there, girl. Praying for ya!


Katherine said...

all i can say is it will get better. try and move on. it's just going to suck for awhile.

i highly suggest lots of exploring kent and things like that meeting you went to - distractions and new things are going to help you a lot. but i'm sure you will have many nights like the one you described and im sorry about that.

you look adorable though. your style is amazing - i love everything you wear

<3 katherine
of corgis and cocktails

Em [The Writer] said...

Aw dear, you know you are way better than he will ever be! You are wonderful the way you are and I hope you never change <3 Not only that but I know you inspire so many people, including me and I know you will get through this and I will be there the entire way! Stay strong.

overthinker said...

Try to do new things and appreciate life because sadly maybe he was a mistake and remember you are beautiful you don´t need lose any weight you look great , second your hair is pretty both ways ,your style is unique and that makes you different in such a good way besides you inspire a lot of people including me . Never change because of someone because once you fall in love for real the one who truly loves you will always see u as perfect at least that´s how it should be.

Chrissy88 said...

I was very sad and concerned to see you write that your ex-boyfriend didn't like your weight, hair, clothes, etc. Did he actually say these things? Because a teenaged boyfriend has no right to be so demanding. My husband might gently say he doesn't care for a particular outfit, but he wouldn't say any of the rest! I don't know when it became acceptable to boys to voice every opinion to a girl they are dating and try to control every aspect of her appearance. You are better off if that is the case! Please don't change what you are happy with about yourself for someone else. This is why you need to take dating relationships slowly. Make sure you know him soemwhat well and like what the guy is basically about before you take the relationship becomes serious. Anyway, I was just concerned because you have alot going for you and you should not have so many regrets over this ending. Yes, it takes time for feelings to go away and it is probably harder because of all the other changes in your life, but most high school relationships don't survive because the people involved don't know each other as much as they think they do and people of that age are still changing and maturing. Young men these days are really encouraged to not grow up until they are like, 30, or more, although there are some out there who become real men at a younger age.

Elizabeth said...

Ur so pretty! Praying for you <3

Anni said...

It sounds terribly patronizing for a bunch of strangers over the internet to tell you it will get better, but either it will or you'll die trying. Break-ups suck ass and I think it's extra hard when you are a strong person individually because it feels like two parts of you are fighting each other on how you feel about everything - you feel like you should be acting a certain way logically but you can't help but feel another and then you feel doubly shit because the world is telling you that you must be a liberated, empowered kickass woman. Just remember that you are all those things and that standing up for yourself and crying over a laptop at 12 in the morning don't cancel each other out and don't make you weak or anti-feminist, it just makes you a complex human being just like the rest of the people stuck on this planet.


Rockster1039 said...

I hope more than anything that you're able to sleep better. When you can't sleep and are having nightmares, it makes the pain that much harder to deal with. Thankfully you have all us followers to talk to when it gets rough. <3

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