a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Saturday, May 12, 2012


It all started last night. I was just saying what was on my mind, what I've thought on and off for months. For years. It never made any difference, he always didn't believe me. But last night he finally did. I told him how unhappy I was. How I'm always unhappy. How I've fallen out of love and just stopped trying. Stopped calling. Stopped laughing at his jokes. Stopped being nice. Stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know why I stopped trying. I guess things just got to comfortable. He was just there, I didn't have to try, didn't have to win him over. He was just there and I was satisfied with that. But sometimes just being satisfied isn't enough. Sometimes it's okay to want more and that's what I thought I wanted.

I exchanged harsh words, words that I would always think but not utter. Scathing, hot, burning, cutting words. I said them without feeling. Without care. Without anything. My eyes didn't water, I didn't think about anyone but myself. I didn't think about him. He was speechless. Sat across from me with cold eyes filled with sadness. I could see them welling up with every word. I could see myself destroying him with every syllable but I didn't care. I kept going, farther than I ever had before. This time was different. I was scared but I thought I was going down the path I wanted.

My heart felt so heavy. My stomach so empty but yet I wanted to throw up. Throw up everything I had left because it made me so sick to think about what I'd done. Before I could change it all there was no turning back. Dread crept into me and everything started spinning. I couldn't believe what I'd said and what I'd done. I felt like I was in some sort of sick dream. I was going to wake up and everything would be like it always was. Nothing would change. But it did. He saw for once what I've been seeing all these years, or maybe it's just what I've thought I've seen. Sometimes I don't know. I walked him out to his car in silence and he unlocked his car and I started at him, unable to speech, too scared it was the last time. He told me goodbye, this time without an I love you. It wasn't like I deserved it anyways. I walked back to my house. Just like I've done so many times for so many years. I thought that maybe this time was the last. I got to hug him though before he left. It wasn't like it used to be though. It was cold and distant. Broken.

I called him that night. I waited too long staring at the phone before I did. Too scared to dial the number that my fingers know by memory without even looking. I stalled for time. Reading a magazine, writing in my diary, trying to avoid the inevitable. I did dial the number though. My fingers felt heavy and when he picked up my breath skipped a beat. I wasn't sure if I would ever hear it again. We switched roles just then. He was the calm one and myself and blubbering mess. The tears came out in hot rivets on my face. My black eye makeup running down, staining my cheeks and my throat choking. I begged for him to reconsidered. To know I idn't mean it. That it was all a mistake. That I couldn't bear to lose him. He was my everything. My only friend. The only one I could trust in, count in, be something to. I couldn't imagine my life without him. His voice was steady and even unlike it had been earlier. He spoke with confidence, not a wavering voice. He told me how he had accepted it and that I should to. It was what I had wanted earlier anyways. He told me that my emotions were running away with myself. That it was my OCD talking, not me. I couldn't think straight, that it was impossible that I could change my mind so quickly. He told me he had talked to his friends. His mother. That they all said the things I didn't want to hear. That it should be over. That we didn't have anything left. That I couldn't keep dragging this out. That if I wasn't in love with him, than why should I hold him back. I knew they were right. I felt so selfish. So vile and despicable to want him all to myself. To claim him as my own without the promise of marriage after five years. I hated myself at that moment. Loathed. I was nothing but a selfish monster who wanted to keep everything she's ever known in the only boy she'd ever loved.

And I broke down. My breath came out in sobs that I choked back. I gagged and couldn't talk, gasping for breath that wasn't there. I started rasping out my memories. Everything that had ever connected us together as one. They came out so fast I couldn't stop them. Every happy moment I could ever remember. He tried to stop me from saying them but I kept going, digging myself deeper into the hole. That's when he broke down. I could hear him crying on the other end just like I had been. The memories were too hard for him to think about. We decided that we would talk about it the next day. We were both tired and it was well after midnight. Emotions were running high and we couldn't think straight. I was to call him the next morning.

I went down and talked to my mother. My sobs were violent and my face raw with salted tears. My eyes were nearly swollen shut from crying so much. My stomach hurt and my head was spinning. I talked to my mother. She understood. She always does. She started to cry to. Because she knew how much I was hurting. How much he meant to me. How much it would kill me to lose him. After talking I went to bed with an even more heavy heart. Not even wanting to sleep because nothing could take me away from the nightmare.

I sat in my bed and opened the box that held everything he's ever given me. Letters. Presents. The tickets to the plays we saw. Pictures. Poems he wrote me. Old Valentines. Five years worth of everything. I sat there and read through everything with the tears rolling down. I smiled- something that felt so out of place at the time. I just couldn't help it though. The memories made me too happy. But seeing what we once had tore me apart. The love, the happiness, the trust and just gratitude. It tore me apart and made me even weaker than before. At that moment I wanted to throw it all away and never read it again because it hurt too much. Reading his heart.

I turned out my light and prayed. It didn't feel like God could help me much at that moment but I knew it was better to try than do nothing at all. So I prayed.

I laid in bed awhile. I'm not sure how long. My mind ran with so much to think about. I couldn't stop. Eventually I didn't fall asleep though. I didn't have any nightmares. It wouldn't have mattered anyways. They couldn't have been worse than what I was actually facing. I woke up this morning early. Earlier than I usually do for a Saturday. My eyes were swollen shut and still blood shot from the previous night. Dried mascara had worked it's way into the crevices of my eyes and I wiped it away with frustration. I hate feeling ugly. I laid in bed awhile thinking. Not crying just thinking. He had told me to call him in the morning. He wakes up early so it didn't matter when I called him back. So I did. I shook when I dialed his number again. I knew he wanted me to make a decision but I was left numb and confused. The first time I called he didn't answer. Frustrated I called back again. He answered.

His voice sounded tired. Like he was burdened. Not the usual carefree and chipper voice I'm used to hearing. But then again, I sounded like hell, too. We talked for an hour. I was still as confused and hurt as I was last night. I thought I could hold back the tears but they came just as they did last night. Bitter, hot, and angry. He said it was up to me to make the decision. I didn't know what to do. It's not fair to keep him in this if I'm not in love with him. But I told him I wanted to try. To use the summer to work things out. To give it more effort. He doesn't have to, but I do. I would call, I would be nicer, I would try more things, not sleep so much, not be so grumpy. I would be nice. We would go on adventures all summer just like we used to. Go for walks and talk for hours and go to DQ. I would get the most fattening thing on the menu and he would get the most healthy. Just like it's always been and always should be. He didn't want to though. He didn't think I could change and sometimes I don't know if I can either. But I wanted to give it a try. After reading the letters last night I wanted to get back what we had. I was willing to do anything. He said the decision was up to me but I knew it really wasn't. I could tell in his voice his decision was already made. He just didn't want to say it.

Then I got upset. The thought of losing the only friend I've ever had. But he told me he would always be here. That things weren't going to change. That we would still be best friends. That I could still call him. That I could still come over. That I could still talk to his mom and laugh with his dad. That everything would be like it always was. Even if his believed that though I don't. Things will never be like the are now if we ended it. Sure it's only a titled we have right now but the title means so much. He told me not to call it breaking up because it wouldn't be like that. Maybe to him it wouldn't. To me it would. I couldn't stand the though of losing him like that. Not calling him every night and talking. Not confiding everything I know in him. Not being someone's number one. It devastated me. And what about when I go to Kent? Not having truly anyone at that moment. Not having anyone to come back to. To comfort me when I feel alone and depressed up there. I thought he would always be there for me when I would go through that difficult time this coming fall but maybe he won't. I don't know.

We got off the phone. It was only 10 o'clock in the morning and I was already exhausted. We agreed to see each other this evening. Six o'clock. We're going to talk. I don't know what's going to happen but right now I don't have much faith in anything anymore. We're still together at the moment but just barely. I feel so broken. No, missing a part of me. I don't know right from wrong and yet I do know that I can't lose him. I don't want to and I can't. We'll see what happens tonight. I prepare myself for the worst because that's what I honestly believe. I don't have much faith in anything anymore. I just know that I'll never forget this. I'll never forget him. I'll never forget what we were. I'll never forget us.


Unknown said...

Lauren, my heart is breaking for you because I've been in the same place before and I know how much it hurts. I don't know what to say, I just wanted to let you know that you'll be in my prayers and my heart is aching for you in this moment! <3 Stay strong!

Charlotte Cantillon (Crowley) said...

Lauren, I'm so sorry. Break ups are the worst, and I don't know what you will decide, but I have to be completely honest and tell you that if you've fallen out of love with Matt, then it's not fair on either of you to carry one.
The first break up you ever have, with your first love, is awful. Believe me. I've been there. I was 18 once too. I broke up with my first boyfriend after a few months long distance while I was at university. And you know what? It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
He didn't love me anymore and he cheated on me. I wanted him back but he wanted to move on. And that break up changed my life. I'd made no friends at university because I was always going back home to see him. And after we broke up, I found myself. I made the most amazing friends and I had the best time at university. This is the worst thing in the world right now, but I have to be honest and say going to college in a relationship is not always the best idea. You need these next few years to grow as a person and find out who you're going to be.
I broke up with my last boyfriend in August. It was awful. A lot of things changed. We still loved each other, but we wanted different things. We were two young to be together forever (and we were 21 and 23) and we wanted to do our own thing. It's been a really tough time for me, but it's also given me a freedom I didn't have. I can do what I want without being tied down.
Everything I can tell you is from my own experience, but you can only learn from your own. I'm a few years older than you and so it's easy for me to look back and say it will all be okay. But it will.
If you decide to stay together, then that's fantastic. But if you decide to break up, then you need to break up. As in don't talk. Don't stay in contact. Don't see each other. Believe me, I've tried the "let's keep talking" break up. I've done the "maybe if we stay friends we'll get back together". It just makes everything harder in the long run.
I'm so so sorry that this has happened to you, but I think you need to be honest with yourself about how you feel.
If you want to talk, please please drop me an email. Like I say, I've been through all this, hell, I'm still not over my last ex and we broke up 9 months ago, but I promise, it gets easier and one day you will look back on this and you'll be a much stronger person. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you and Matt are meant to be together. But you've been together since you were 13, and I am a big believer in time alone to find out who you are. And you're on the cusp of a whole new life at college and I would hate for you to not live every minute of it to the full. And I only know from my own experience that when I was still with my first boyfriend at college, I didn't have the experience I would have had if we'd not been together, and once we broke up I really broke out of my shell.
Okay, tl;dr. I hope you're okay.


Teddi said...

how sad heartbreak, sometimes it's unbearable. i feel for you both. no, you'll never forget, & one day it will feel good to remember the happy. sending love & hugs.

Mila said...

Lauren, this post made me cry. I am so sorry, nobody should have to ever have to go through this, especially since you were so close. I haven't gone through a relationship yet, so I don't have much I can offer on that, but I just want to tell you:
No matter how hard things get, no matter how harsh life can be, no matter how lonely you feel, remember that there are people there for you. Remember that your family is there for talking. All of your readers are right here with you, ready to give advice, comfort, and kind words. Always remember how blessed you are, even in the middle of something that seems so terrible that you can hardly stand it. Please, just remember that.

You are beautiful, kind, stylish, smart, strong, and so much more. You can get through this. I'm always here if you need to talk, whether it's in a Facebook message or in comments. I know I'm younger than you, I know we've never met, but I just want you to know that I, and the rest of your readers are here for you, no matter what. Keep your head up, sweetie. <3


Midwest Muse said...

Oh darling! How sad the first true heartbreak is. I think you'll figure it out and in time, you'll realize that whatever happens was for the best. You being away at college and college in general will change you and you deserve to live and be happy. Even if he's this amazing part of your life, you can't fake love. You can always love someone but being in love is completely different. Don't stick it out due to habit. Stick it out because it's the only thing in the world you want. Be fair to him while also being true to yourself. You're an honest/loving person and I think you know exactly what path you must take to make everything alright.

elizabeth marie. said...

Oh honey I am so sorry to read all of this. The first breakups are really the hardest and it will get better after a while. I really do hope you two can talk it through. And if you really need someone to talk to in Kent (not trying to sound all weird and stuff and I know we haven't talked) but I seriously live around to less than five minutes away. Kent can be a scary place at first but it's not that bad.
Good luck with all of this. I'm definitely hoping for the best for you.

Unknown said...


My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry; I understand how hard it can be right now, that feeling where you are missing your other half. I just want you to know that, even though it is so hard right now, stay strong dearest. You are beautiful and wonderful. <3


Unknown said...

You poor dear! Having been at his end of that sort of explosion of emotion only scant moths ago, I could tell you what I felt at that moment:

"The woman I love, who I have trusted with every bit of me, who knows me better than anyone no longer sees me as anyone special."

And there is no lower feeling than to rejected by someone who knows you so well. The break-up wasn't a total shock but the anger and coldness were. Those are what left the scars. When all you give is love and it ends like that it will mess a person up for a while.

It wrecked my self-worth and esteem so much that it has affected my dating since then. The good news is that what you are doing, and what my GF did not, was try and make it better--try and rekindle the love instead of just accpeting an angry, pointless end to things. That shows real maturity that I was had been shown to me.

No matter what happens, as impossible as it seems, you will be right as rain sometime. I promise you, dear.

Maria Elyse said...

Oh, Lauren, my heart is aching for you right now. I wish I could reach right through this computer screen and give you a huge hug.

I wish I had some wise words or advice, or something comforting to say, but I have no experience in the area of relationships. All I can say is that you are a beautiful, strong, and kind young woman, and I know you'll make the best decision for both you and Matt, even if it doesn't feel that way. This will work out for the best..."For we know that in all things God works out for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

God doesn't just work out *some* things for our good...He works out *all* things for our good. He will work this out, no matter how much it hurts or how hard it is. He's here for you and is holding you in His arms during the most painful moments of your heart.

If you want to email me to talk or if you need anything, don't hesitate to, okay, dear? ♥ Love you and I hope everything goes well this evening. ♥

Maria Elyse

claire said...

i nearly started crying while reading this post, i am so sorry lauren. i have 0 relationship experience/knowledge but just remember that god never gives you anything that you can't handle <3 hope tonight goes well xx

Kezzie said...

Oh Lauren lovely, I am so sorry. Your post almost made me cry. You must feel really awful. I have only ever had one proper boyfriend apart from my current boyfriend, and when we broke up (after 2.5 years together), we'd had a week without talking, so we could truly think about what we wanted and it was such a hard time but it was what we needed. I remember that pain now. He had been my shining light through my year in Indonesia that we were apart, and it seemed inconceivable that we could break up after that. I don't have the words to say, but I am here caring, praying and hoping that all things will work for the good in this situation as Maria Elyse says. Keep praying, pray, pray, pray. I send hugs. I hope things work out for the best x

Emily said...

My heart goes out to you Lauren. I am so so sorry about everything. I personally haven't gone through a breakup, so I don't know how much advice I can give you, but just keep your head up girlie. I pray for the best, and I pray that whatever happens between you two was meant to be.

I'm glad that you'll never forget any of it, because thats what really keeps you going. (at least for me, whenever I get really bored, I am so thankful that I have memories to look back on, whether they're good or bad.)

We're here for you girlie, if you ever wanna talk about anything, I'm here. Whether its through Facebook chat, Twitter, or even just comments, I'm here.


Demy said...

:'( :'( Some things have to be done, no matter the consequences and we have to be strong to live through them. You're strong and whatever you both decide to do, you'll get over it. Yes, you'll cry until there are no more tears, you'll feel like ripping your heart off, but time is the best doctor. Cliche, but true. I know you can make it. Let's hope for the best. Though, I think that you firstly have to think a bit: do you really want to be in this relationship? It's unfair to be with him while you don't love him. It's not a shame to admit it, you've been together for 5 years and people change in 5 years. It's acceptable and what has to be done, will be done. I love you and remember that we'll always be here for you <3

Nerd Burger said...

You are being so brave. All you can do is talk and cry at this point. I hope you make it through this day ok.

Jana K said...

Oh you poor thing. My heart is aching for you. I have no wise words of advice or anything, I'm no expert in relationships. I just want you to know you are in my prayers. I hope you feel better in time, and things will work out for you.

Love you dear!


The Beatniq said...

Be strong girl. I've been there, and I know it is not fun. Not fun at all, but everything happens for a reason, and if you guys don't work out that just means there are bigger and better things waiting for you. "It will all be ok in the end, and if it's not ok, it's not the end"

Katie Burry said...

I've never had a boy friend before, but I have a best friend. We've known each other for over four years and it's not always been easy. She's had terrible things happen in her life and can be incredibly immature, clingy and unreasonable at times; but she's also really sweet, and loving, smart and fun to be around. I'm selfish, and uncaring at times, and loose my temper a lot (I was also incredibly easily made jealous when we first met!)

There have been times when I thought our friendship was over. That we could never continue to be happy the way things are. That I was just too awful for us to be friends anymore, etc. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that love isn't always easy. It takes work. Sometimes a lot of it. But if two people really love each other, then they'll put the work into it.

I'm sorry if this sounds preachy, because I don't mean it to be, but you've always seemed SO crazy for him, and I'd hate to see you throw something away. There's this notion nowadays, that someone can just "fall out of love" with someone, but I don't believe it. I mean, you don't stay together for five years for nothing.

Just, I hope you two will put a lot of thought into this before you do anything rash.

I love you and I'll be praying for you! <3

inmypocket said...

There are times in most, if not all relationships when this can happen. And it sucks but it is a wake up call, because we should never have gotten to the stage where we slip into a familiar rhythm and no longer actually involve ourselves wholly into the relationship.

What you need to decide is not whether you 'feel' in or out of love, because at the end of the day, emotions are fleeting. What you need to decide is, do you want to commit to a relationship with Matt. Knowing who he is over the last 5 years, is he someone that you want to be with? If there are fundamental issues, then sure, perhaps it is time to part. But if it is just that the 'spark' has died out, and yet they are the same person, you can fall in love again. It just takes a lot of work.

inmypocket said...

I also meant to say (having issues writing comments on my phone), that I'm sorry about the devastation you must be feeling on the inside and I pray that you would be able to sort things out as smoothly as possible.

All the best Lauren.

S.K. said...

Lauren, I've been reading your blog every now and then, and when I read this post, I just needed to say, God loves you!
Being beautiful isn't held in the praise of others, it's not held in the arms of a boyfriend, nor is it in being in control of life. It's in the glory of God. People who seem to have it all have nothing!
Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's time to grow. Maybe you need something so much that you are blind to it. I know that. I've felt it. It hurts. Maybe there is far more to God than we know! He saw this coming, and He knew that you would hurt. Hurt so badly that your very soul feels dead. But what we don't know is how much we need Him!
Hugs for you today, listen to God before you do anything else and pray-because He hears!

Britney @ Scout and Company said...

Hey Lovely Lauren.

You are so loved. You are so wonderful. And I hope all works out for the best :).

You have an amazing network of people surounding you. Your mum and the rest of your family. Your friends. And then your 'fake' family in the online world. Look at all those amazing comments. I read a ton of them and they all overflow with heartfelt messages and love. Because you are lovely. And you deserve to be see how lovely you are!

Even though this time will leave you with aching eyes that never want to open and a body thats heavy filled with dread, what ever happens life will go on. What ever happens you will learn so much, adventure so much, and grow so much. Remember how amazing you are. You are amazing. Believe it! Look at all the extraordinary things you've done. There are so many.

I hope everything works out for you. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm only an email away.

Love Britney of Lemonwood and Honey

Britney @ Scout and Company said...

P.S Im not that good with boyfriend/girlfriend realtionships :P So I'm not going to offer you any relationship advice. Just remember how awesome you are! That all I want to remind you of.

katie said...

Oh sweetie!
I wish i had some wise words, but I think lovely Charoltte really summed it up well. I married my first love, but we've had this same momment where we were really on the brink. It is such an awful place to be and I understand what you're feeling, the anger, the fear, the self-hate, the sadness and the pain of losing your best friend. Taking time to realize what YOU (and Matt) really want is so important, it is so safe to stay, but not fair if you're not happy. But if you really, really belive that you want to make it, then go for and give it your all.
I really wish you the best, this is such a painful place to be, but it will go away, one way or another and it becomes an important life lesson if you can learn from it. (I am going to give you a huge hug across the internet, because you really need one! Take care of yourself dear and find what it is that you truely want. Best wishes.)

Caroline said...

i read this with tears in my eyes. i love you so much lauren, we all do. it must be so hard to survive what you are going through.
i hope that, whatever happens, you won't forget that God is still your Friend. He loves you, so so so much, more than anyone else ever could. He wants to hold your hand, be your Love above any human person.
keep praying!
I am praying for you.
xo forever, dear.

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