a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Untitled 2.

Things are better but certainty not perfect. We're still together but broken and picking up the pieces. Yesterday was truly one of the most miserable days. I felt so sick and couldn't eat or stop thinking. Mostly about what I didn't want to happen. But then he just called out of the blue. Saying that he wanted to work things out. Give it a chance. Give us another chance. I went over to his house last night and we talked. Something we always do but last night it meant something. I meant what I said and said what I meant. Looking at him I couldn't help but cry. I just didn't want to be that close to losing him again.

Things are rough now. I feel stupid and angry at myself. Angry because things won't go back to the way they used to be. The way I want them to be. Easy and carefree. Not with expectations on how things should go in the upcoming months and how I should act. Things are different now. I don't like it.

I wish I had never opened my mouth. Never said a word. I realize now what I had to lose. What I didn't want to lose. It took almost losing him to see all that. I want to be mad at him for holding me at a wrist's length but I can't be. It's not my place. Not after what I put him through and what I have left to prove.

I don't know what will happen in these up coming months. In these upcoming weeks. In these upcoming days. In tomorrow. We could be together. We could be broken up. I really don't know. It's all up to him. I know what I feel but I honestly don't know what he feels for me anymore. I feel like we've almost switched roles. Him the sensible one thinking about reality. Me the love sick, hopelessly pining one. I want to say things are secure but I can't. I'm scared and on shaky feet. 

I'm trying to pray, just like so many of you suggested. It's hard for me sometimes though. It seems I can pour out everything on here but to Him, the words in my mouth become dry. I know He is the reason we're still together though. He believes there's something left to salvage. After all, I can't argue with that.

I can say there has been one good thing about this experience. You guys. I sat at this computer crying because of all you. Not sad tears, but happy ones. The amount of comments, emails, tweets, and messages from you all touched my heart. Showed me that you all cared. Not that I ever doubted that though ;) Matt said that he would be able to get over us easier than me because he has a support system of friends and I don't. And he's right. But he did say that I have an amazing group of people on my blog that care for me and can be here for me. He's right about that, too. Gosh, you all are a million more times incredible than I am. I don't deserve any of you. All I can say is thank you. It sounds so weak. So measly. But I say it with all my heart. Thank you.

With much love, Lauren.

P.S. Sorry for all of the errors in Untitled. It was written on emotions and I didn't bother going back to fix any grammatical, spelling, ect errors. I just wanted to say what I felt. It was completely unedited and I'm rather embarrassed for all of the errors. Please forgive me!


Unknown said...

I am so glad to hear you 2 are trying to work things out. My best advice to you is very simple--tell him exactly what's on your heart all the time. Don't let him guess or wonder, don't say what you think he wants to hear to get him to stay, don't say anything that isn't 100% what you're feeling. If you do, over time, he will figure it out and your trust will be destroyed. Being honest in the moment you have the feelings will help prevent another blow-up as well. just be sure to share your feelings in a loving, kind manner. If you do this, he will have no choice but to fully come back to you. Its what he wants from you, needs from you. Honesty, respect, patience, bravery--these are the ingedients to remaking your relationship back to soemthing wonderful, spark and all!

Jay said...

Glad you guys have worked things out! I've been in this position before, and I know exactly how you're feeling. But often times, it's these rifts in relationships that help us see how comfortable we've gotten. Boys are manly and reserved about their emotions, but the truth is that boys want to feel like they're loved just as much as girls do. If it's the spark you've lost, you can get it back. :) It takes hard work, but all the best things in life require work. School, careers, friendships, even our relationship with God requires work. So even though the effort ahead seems daunting, just keep things in perspective. You've invested a lot of time and emotion in this relationship, and if you guys love each other, it's worth it. Don't think of it as all the work. Just take some time to re-discover yourselves in each other. From what you've said, you guys have been together for a long time, and through that time, you've been through a lot of life emotions and stages. That kind of stuff can be rough on a relationship. But you're graduating now! A free summer before the real beginning of your life. :) Take some time to rediscover your relationship and feelings and just relish in the awesomeness that is having another person who cares so deeply about you. But no matter how it ends up, you'll be okay. In your college years, you're gonna see the woman you're going to transform into! :) Keep your head up, lady!

Rachel said...

I'm glad you're trying to work things out, but I really think that you need to let go of ehatever fear you're having and enjoy the time you're spending together, in the present. After a really rocky patch with my boyfriend where we were continuously fighting, I was worried about losing him after for months, even when everything was going great. But I ended up realizing if you worry about what could happen then you can't enjoy what is happening.
Just try and be happy with what you've been given. I'm sure things will work out for you. :)

Teddi said...

better is good. we just want you to be okay, & somehow, i know you will be. hope & love

Sarah Beckett said...

Praying for you!

Unknown said...

Glad that things are going a little better and you guys are trying to work it all out! You'll be in my prayers! Follow your heart, don't be afraid of the truth, and trust Jesus to get you through. Xoxo, Marie!

Caroline said...

i hope everything works out, dear.
love and prayers,

Kezzie said...

Oh Lauren, I am glad that you are going to try together. Hugs to you, lovely x

Demy said...

Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I LOVE you, I sincerely do, and I hope that things will become better. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and it's the bad moments we have to overcome in order to see how much this relationship is worth <3

Britney @ Scout and Company said...

Hey :D. You are amazing. I just thought you should know. Truly. Look at all the people you inspire. And how honest and open you are on your blog is something to be admired. You are a true inspiration and you should embrace your extraordinary-ness! Lots of love.

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