a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Monday, December 10, 2012

I'll Always Love You.

 Dear you,

I haven't written about you in a long time but that doesn't mean I haven't thought about you. I still do, every single day. You're in my prayers at night, even when I'm exhausted and falling asleep I always make sure I pray for you. It's the most important one. I see your face in the crowds a lot. When I'm walking through campus I'll think I see your face for a second and my heart stops. I freeze, paralyzed with fear. But then I realize it's not you; it never is and I don't know why I think that. I saw a little boy the other day who looked exactly like you when you were little. It reminded me of the picture you gave me years ago of you, a smiling little boy with those spectacular eyes. I stared at this little boy and I saw you and everything came rushing back at once.

I still cry every now and then. I don't tell anyone though because they'd worry about me and I don't want that. It's not the kind of crying I used to do though. Not that heart wrenching, painful, gasping cry. It's more of a silent cry and the tear drops slide down my cheeks when I hear a song that reminds me of you or when I want nothing more than to call your phone number I still have memorized. It's been three months since I've talked to you. I still know the exact day we stopped talking. December makes me sad because I remember so clearly when I was fourteen and we first started dating. I met you in your bestfriend's back yard and there was snow everywhere. We exchanged gifts for the first time. I got you something silly and you got me something serious. That was always typical of us. You held me closely while the snow fell around us and it was one of the most spectacular moments I've ever had. I still smell the cologne you used to wear from time to time on passing boys on campus. It makes me sad.

I'm the happiest I've ever been but that doesn't mean anything if I can't share it with you. You always wanted me to be happy. You didn't understand my depression, why I couldn't make friends, why I wanted to always be alone. And I want to show you now my new life. I want to share it with you and I wish that I could tell you every single detail. You'd laugh over my awkwardness, smile at my happiness, and frown when I told you my disappointments. I could have taken you to my fashion show, I could have shown you around campus, you could have eaten the terrible food and met my beautiful friends and seen why I love NAVS so much.  I could sit for hours telling you about who I've become and what I've done and who I've met. It would just be like it always was and how you said it was going to be. Even though my friends here are perfect, they're still not you. They'll never be you.

Did you know I'll always love you? Not be 'in love with you.' That's different. We weren't meant for that kind of love. But I will always love you. Forever and always. Just like I always promised. I meant it when I said that.

I miss you, you.

With much love, Lauren.
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