a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Monday, December 31, 2012

Thoughts on 2012.

I always knew 2012 was going to be a big year for me. I remember as a little girl thinking about the year 2012 and how it seemed so far away into the future. I dreamed and imagined what my life would be like in 2012, my graduation year where everything would change. And that it certaintly has.

Never has a year been full of so much for me. So much happiness, despair, heartbreak, changes, and beauty. I never though I'd end up where I am now New Year's of last year but then again, we can never predict what our life is going to look like. Only what we want it to look like. My resolution for 2012 was to be happy and healthy. And in some ways, I did achieve both of those. In some ways I failed.

I think about how ashamed I am to know that I starved myself this year. Out of grief and out of wanting to gain control over a situation I had no control over. My stomach turns at the thoughts of this past July, sitting in the woods looking for a tree to hang myself on. My heart sinks in absolute disappointment as I remember how much I hated my body this past year; bashing it and picking it apart after I gained so much weight.The memories of having absolutely no friends in high school, figuring I'd end up alone in life, never to find anyone to connect with. And finally, I'll never forget the hardest thing I've ever gone through. All of the painful nights and days of despair and crying over losing the person I never thought I would lose. Going through the worst betrayal I could imagine and having to live with the thought every day that he didn't pick me, that I didn't mean as much to him as I thought I did.

But then I think about other things, too. Ending my miserable high school experience and starting new and fresh at a life I could only dream of. Getting to live every day just how I want, cherishing everything because I was finally happy for the first time in my life. Making the friends that I never thought would happen for me. Who I have such a love for that they'll never comprehend. Studying and pursuing what I love, even if people told me not to, that it was stupid, pointless. I proved them wrong and every day I study fashion I fall more and more in love with it. And accepting Christ in my life. The most beautiful and pure moment where I was saved and where my life truly began.

2012 is exhaustion. So many ups, so many downs. So much I wish I could go back and relive, go back and change, go back and appreciate. Everything has changed this year. Absolutely everything. 

When putting together yesterday's year in review post I was so melancholy looking through what I've written. I relived all the pain of this past year over again, taking a leap back into time and into my darkest days. I didn't write a lot of good this year. But I did write with a lot of honesty, and that I'm proud of.

I wouldn't take back any single one of my posts. No matter how much 'TMI' they were, too candid, too depressing they represent time and a moment that can't be redone. Can't be taken back. The past few months I kind of slipped away from my honesty because I found that I was afraid of that honesty and had gotten so used to people telling me that it wasn't right to do. But I want to bring that honesty right back into 2013 full force, blogging with no regrets and no inhibitions. Saying what I want to say and what needs to be said. 

I really didn't think a lot about what I wanted my resolution for 2013 to be. I usually never do. But it hit me with such power yesterday that I knew that I didn't want it to be anything but this. It's perfect.

I want to fully forgive Matt in 2013. For everything he's done, continues to do, and will do. I've harbored such a strong resentment over him for the past four months. It's suffocated me and brought me down so much, killing my heart and taking away the happiness I deserve. I want to forgive the break up, his lies, his betrayal, his abandonment,  his leading me on, his not picking me, and for his all around just being the biggest jerk that I know he's not. I want to do this for him. I want to do this for me. I want to do it for Christ. I've been praying about it for many weeks for God to give me the pathway and strength to forgiveness, to work on this ice cold heart of mine. I want to really continue this path with a full and honest heart into 2013. If you could perhaps send a prayer my way for God to help me with this journey, I will be forever thankful. I love Matthew too much and I want to forgive him so I can continue to move on with my life and my happiness while all still having him perhaps still in it. Whether it's physically, in my heart, or not at all...I want to forgive and forgive for real this time. 

Thank you all for being with me for this tumultuous year of my life. Throughout everything you have continued to support me and continued to read no matter how despairing things got around here. Your emails, comments, messages, tweets, prayers....it all gives me strength and hope. You all told me over and over again that I would find happiness someday. You told me everything was going to be okay. And you all were so right. I found a taste of happiness in 2012. Pure, untouched, true happiness.

I hope 2013 brings even more of it. 

Here's to the New Year 

With much love, Lauren. 

P.S. It's all too fitting but this is my 1,000th blog post :) :) 
So insanely proud! 


Adora Mehitabel said...

Happy new year! Lovely blog www.adoramehitabel.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

It is very hard to forgive when you have never been given an apology. A sincere apology from someone who has hurt you instantly sets you free from the cross of resentment. Without that apology, you have to release yourself and let go of that heavy burden. You can do it.

Camille said...

As Taylor Swift would say, "Don't you worry your pretty little mind...". Lauren, I'm sure you will find happiness in 2013. You deserve it because you have been through so much. You are a strong girl and you are so inspiring!

Congrats on your 1,000th blog post! I can't wait until I have reached that mark with my blog!


Megan Elizabeth said...

Happiest of new years, lovely lady. May 2013 be your year. X


Et tu, tutu? said...

My breath caught when you mentioned looking for a tree to hang yourself on. You are so beautiful, inside and out, and I'm so happy you're getting to a better place now. University is so amazing, isn't it? And you have an amazing blog and an amazing 2013 ahead of you. Keep your head held high, pretty lady. Looking forward to what the new year brings to your blog. Blessings and prayers and good wishes. :)


Kezzie said...

You have so much to live for! You have had difficult times but it will get better and it has already shown you that! With the help of your loving family and brothers and sisters in Christ, you can achieve anything!x

Unknown said...

You are such a wonderful person Lauren. I am so blessed that have be able to get to know you a little better in this past year. I'm glad that you are very honest with yourself about resolution; I think that will help you achieve your forgiveness. You are so strong and amazing, that I know you can do this. :)

Here's to 2013! Can't wait to see where this year takes you!


Unknown said...

I hope and pray 2013 will be a wonderful year for you! God will always be there to keep us happy and keep us going! I am excited to see a lot of great posts from you this year! I know they will be awesome!

~Happy New Year!~

Midwest Muse said...

It hurts to know you've been hurting so much! If you ever need anything, anything at all when at Kent, please text me! You're awesome and you have so much going for you. I hope you become the version of yourself you want to be in 2013.

Teddi said...

hooray for 1000 posts, hooray for allowing yourself to feel all those things in honesty and in truth, hooray for listening to yourself, and hooray for knowing you are worthy! <3 xo :)

Lauren said...

Lauren you are so beautiful and amazing and I don't even need to say more. But we all know I will because I love you and you're awesome and I know 2013 will be a spectacular year for you. :)

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