a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Sad To See You Go.

Checkard Dress, Black Booties: Thrifted.
Tan Trench: Kohl's.
Black Knit Infinity Scarf: Target.
Camel Beret: American Apparel.

I believe the worst thing in life is when people change. It gets me every time; never getting easier as I go through life. I'm consistently nostalgic for the past and with the past there comes the past people from my life. I think about what they were like, how they made me feel, who I was with them, and how they were there for me. I think about the good times, yes, but I don't forget to reflect on that bad. But the bad don't matter when you love a person so much it hurts; when you would do anything in the world to never hurt them.

But people change. And they grow older and selfish and cold. They forget who they were and they can't see from the inside looking out the callousness that they develop. I don't know why people change. I know scientifically it has to do with environment and experiences, chemicals and hormones. But at the end of the day, with all of the scientific reasoning and methods I still have the same question; why do people change?

Why do they change and take the hearts of those who love them along for the ride? Dragging the heart in the mud, scarring it, tearing it apart on the journey. People don't forget who you were; they stay with that person. Sometimes forever. And I just don't know why for the love of God it's necessary for people to change and do this to those who love them because it's the most painful thing in the world.

I want to forget. I want to heal. But my love for a person in my past is so insurmountable, so overpowering that I can't let go. I know that the only way to move on is to accept that a person has changed. It's almost like experiencing a death. You have to realize they're gone forever, cope with mourning, and try to find a way to get through with that empty hole in your life.

I want to fill the hole up with so many things. I'd like to starve myself to feel control and cut myself to feel alive and date someone I don't care about just to feel loved and lay in my bed all day crying until every ounce of water is drained out of my body...but I know none of that will help fill that void I have for the person who isn't here anymore. Those things never will and thankfully, I realize that.

I'm always praying, always writing. Always.

With much love, Lauren.


Sara said...

you look so darling in this dress! i love how you've styled it!


Carlee, Little Sloth said...

Well you look super lovely. I know the heartache you are going through. It is not easy and I am so sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. I hope it gets better soon.
Almost Endearing

Britney @ Scout and Company said...

Lauren. People change for the best. You will change too! And one day you will be this amazing person, 100% happy. Thats why people change. So that the world can be interesting. And beautiful too.
That last paragraph broke my heart. Please don't do that to yourself. I can't bear to read about it.
Email me if ya want to chat. I'll be here, really.
When something is meant to be you don't have to worry about it. Thats what I learnt the other day. You just don't worry. And thats when you know its right.

Vicki said...

Love your dress! And really, your whole outfit. You look lovely!

I can understand how you feel at least a little because I do the same thing. I become nostalgic about the way things and people were, and it makes me a jumbled up mixture of confused, sad, and angry. People can change for the better, of course, and that's a beautiful thing, but it's when they change for the worse that it really hits me, and all I can think is, "Why?" But I've learned that I can't dwell on that. Dwelling on it won't make things better, and the only thing that helps me is prayer. Prayer for myself, for those who may have changed in a way that hurts, and prayer for the strength to move on. And in the end, it really helps. And remember that change in people and in life can work out for the best. Change is part of life, and we can't let the bad changes spoil the good ones.(:

Feel better, Lauren! I'll keep you in my prayers!


Anonymous said...

I know one day you will see how much you've grown by writing down all of your feelings about this boy. And you will have changed for the better! Each day passing is one day closer to closure. :)

I absolutely love your dress! This is a perfect fall look with your scarf and beret. <3

The Love Hanger

Jana K said...

Oh Lauren, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't understand either why people change. My former best friend changed, and stopped talking to me altogether now-and I have racked my brain trying to figure why. I'm slowly learning to let go, but it isn't very easy at all.

You're in my prayers, girl :) Keeping hanging in there!


-P.S Um, how adorable are you? I love your hat.

marcia said...

ohmygosh. I really need your closet. this outfit utterly screams 'autumm'!

Unknown said...

Praying for you, hon! Keep fighting to get to that light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, you look adorable. Those booties are amazing

Teddi said...

but lauren, you know you change, & are changing right now, too. we all do. it's part of life's process. isn't it? i wouldn't want someone to be mad at me because i'm not still the girl i used to be. even, if i wish i were. even if parts of me are still the same. sometimes we change because of things that happen, beyond our control. or am i full of it? if so, you can just ignore me. i am jealous of your fall weather. your outfit is smashing, & here, in texas, it still feels like summer. boo!

Jeannee said...

LOVE THIS DRESS! And I love how mature you are (10 things list) and how introspective ... I don't have all the answers, but do look at the 2d Chapter of Timothy, starting w/ 3, and that will answer some of your questions ...

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for some time now and noticed how slightly depressing you have become. I understand that you have been going through some heartache but you yourself said that you felt like the relationship wasn't going anywhere. But then when it ends, you're the one that is truly hurt the most. And when you see him at the fair with another girl, yeah that would hurt, but it's a good thing for you. If he moved on that quickly, you need to get over him. It might not be what you wanted in the future, but God has other plans for you. He sent you away from your hometown to get away. Breath without your ex nearby. I'm telling you this because you seem like a sweet girl and deserve better; but also quite frankly, you are getting extremely annoying with how much you post about him. It hurts. But you're young. You have your entire life ahead of you. He is just one boy.

Kristian said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. Its cliche, but it is very true that things in this department will get better and it won't really hurt in the end. Doesn't help much till the end but... As for change. Just remember that this relationship changed you (and for the better). You grew, you tried new things, found things you did and didn't like, you know more know. There are good and bad changes about everyone, but just know you seem like an amazing person.

Also, a very fashionable one, because this is a scumptious outfit!

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