a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Be Better.

I am by no means a bad person. But sometimes I really don't feel like I'm that good of a person. The thought has especially been bothering me as of late. I can't get out of my head all of the things I do wrong- whether it be living my life, my interactions with people, or even running this blog. I'm not really talking about 'not being good enough.' I'm talking about being a bad person in general.

I wonder if people look at me and judge me as a good or bad person. Most people would like to say that others would see them as a good person, and I would hope I could say the same thing. But I feel like if people really knew me,got a chance to be inside my head, they'd realize that I'm not that great. I'm not great at all in the slightest bit. I don't even think I'm okay. That I can be really gossipy, quick to judge personalities (and appearances), too emotional for my own good, unintentionally manipulative, lazy when it comes to social interactions. I am controlling and bring up the past too much. Easily give up and hold onto grudges far too long. I am vindictive, vengeful, and ill tempered. And all of this makes me so upset because it's so much to change and I don't even know where to start or how to start to change any of it.

At the end of my life, I want to feel like I was a good person. That what I said was what I meant to people. That didn't break promises. That I loved people with every ounce of my heart and didn't take advantage of them- ever, for any reason. I know as a human I am made to be imperfect and it's not the imperfections I want to fix. It's my wrongdoings and bad traits that I wish I could take an eraser and remove from my soul, heart, and mind.

For whatever reason, this has really been bothering me lately. I felt compelled to write about it. I feel like I write about the same feelings and thoughts over and over again, but this was a new and different feeling. It feels good to let it out. 

I hope I can start being a better person.

With much love, Lauren.


Kellie said...

Dear Lauren, this was such a beautiful and relatable post. I know what you mean so well... especially what you wrote about a eraser that can wash you clean and renewed once more.

I am all those things and more... that's where Jesus Christ comes in for me. He's the eraser, the redeemer, the tower of strength offering to take my weakness and turn in into His power. He didn't make me better - He gave me the gift of His redeeming perfection to cover my imperfection.. With that hope, I can get up every day and try again.

Thank you so much for writing your heart. You inspired me to as well. Your adorable fashion posts are some of the best out there, but I love your open heart even more. <3


Anonymous said...

One thing to ponder that I always question and try to figure out is the following scripture: "And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone. " -Mark 10:18 . .obviously since Jesus is God, He was called Good and it was true (is what my conclusion is) . . .but no HUMAN is good even when we try to be. It is important to work towards righteousness, however, and the fact that I see you growing deeply in your faith, you are growing and learning to live in His goodness. That's amazing.
I hope that encourages you!!

Unknown said...
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Unknown said...

Oh my goodness. I have never commented on this blog before, but I've read it and I think you're lovely. I wish you knew just how much this post sounded like it was coming out of my mouth. I have these fears and they're overwhelming. I just feel like I'm going through the same reflection of my own character lately, so you are NOT alone. Thanks for posting this today.

Et tu, tutu? said...

I totally know what you mean. I wish I could be more genuine and kind and giving. Some people I know just radiate light and love and I wonder how I could ever get that feeling and then I realize that they are some of the strongest Christians I know. Just some food for thought. :)


Britney @ Scout and Company said...

Hey Lauren!
I think you are brilliant. Truly. But then really we need to believe it in ourselves.
Here is a good video that Tess made about being a good person or a bad person. Its a really good thing to watch. And she is really brilliant herself.
You are a brave, wonderful person and the evidence is in what I see. You are honest, beautiful, amazing, brave, strong. You can stand up for what you believe in. Write your thoughts no matter what other people think, even raw moments. You've helped so many people. You encourage so many girls to be brave and amazing everyday.
I know that you can see how amazing you are, one day. But, I suppose you have to do it! And I suppose that looks hard.
Heres tess's video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDMRTK3FuQI

Kezzie said...

I can relate to this! I get really angry with myself sometimes! You do know we're fighting a spiritual battle against the tempter and he speaks to those our fallen humanity and bring those aspects of us out! We just have to try to stay in Christ's protection.
Try reading the Screwtape letters by C.S. Lewis, it's a really good insight into this!x

Heather Belle said...

Haha is this my life? I feel like we all feel this way sometimes! I'm ultra gossipy and quick to judge. I'm blunt and manipulative, and I hold a grudge like no one's business, but regardless of whether these things are good or bad, they're still me. If I wasn't snarky and a little pessimistic, I wouldn't be me. There's nothing wrong with trying to be better about these things, but you shouldn't feel guilty about being exactly who you are. I guess this comment probably isn't helpful at all, but I feel just like you do, and so do a whole lot of other people. You're only human!
xo Heather

Katie Lynn said...

I don't mean to offend but I always find it funny when people say they just turn to jesus and are a better person for it... It is all within you. You just have to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you and rely on your instincts and choose whether something negative to say is necessary and if its not dont say it. I am the same way inside- super negative and judgemental but on the outside I dont show it because that just encourages others around you to be negative as well. Even if at first you are just pretending to be positive eventually you really will become it. Be the person you want to be and others will follow.

Emma said...

I completely understand this sentiment, I've been feeling the same way lately. Unfortunately I haven't got any wise words for you, as I'm in the same spot. I guess what's been helping me is trying to live in the moment and giving those around me my full attention. Much love!

Fiveftwo said...

1st of all I respect you for posting this. And I don't think you are a bad person because a bad person wouldn't be bothered by it and admit their flaws. I think most of us can relate to this :)


Anonymous said...

Hey Lauren, I suspect when I left a comment a few posts back about how I would have tried a dress you styled, you posted a tweet about not being told what to wear and getting my own fashion blog. That was hurtful if it was meant towards my comment, but it does not make you a bad person. Bad people don't get bothered by their bad behavior, good people do. Your bothered.....that's good. Xoxo

SomeoneLikeYou said...


The tweet was not meant towards you! It was meant to somebody in my day to day life who saw the post and said something to me in person. Regardless, I shouldn't have tweeted what I did no matter who it was towards. It was wrong of me and I regret doing it very much so. Thank you for your support though and love even though I am imperfect; I appreciate it very much!

Jeannee said...

I happened to glance at Kellie's comment as I pulled up the comment form, and I have to say "ditto"! ... but I also have a (rhetorical) question to ask : since this post comes after a post in which you seem very happy and comfy - both with your spring break location and yourself, your life - it begs me to ask: who said something to tilt you back into the darkness?!

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Hey Lauren, I am so relieved that tweet was not towards me. Just shows how powerful, for good or bad, words can be! It freaked me out enough to not read your blog for a few days.....but knowing I can still share thoughts makes me feel better. Thanks for responding. Xo

Unknown said...

"To try to be better, is to be better." You acknowledge you want to live a life of more purpose and having meaningful relationships and to me, that's not a bad person. You're only human after all.

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