a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Feelings Lately,

I feel like I live at Cheddar's Casual Café. Every day I put on my squeaky, non-slip shoes, black dress pants, and a black dress blouse. Today marks the fifth day straight of going in; a normal work week for most people but I find myself exhausted. Both mentally and physically.

I like my job. I really do. I find a weird peace and familiarity at Cheddar's. The cracked hostess stand, the worn menu's, the creepy cooks, the flustered servers, and the stressed out managers. The strangest (and most surprising thing) though is that I feel alive at Cheddar's. It's real life. No inhibitions. No nice people who care about you. It's harsh and it's what real people experience every day. Not the sort of silly, protected world that high school is when you live at your parent's house. In a strange way I feel like working here is preparing me for college. I hardly ever see my parents anymore, am dependent on feeding myself and getting to where I need to go, and most importantly dealing with various personality types that don't mesh perfectly with mine. Because trust me, 99% of them don't.

But there's definitely a tiring side to working here; another indicator of what real life is. It isn't sitting at the pool every day, sleeping in, and writing up blog posts. Although that's what I'd love my life to be, it isn't right now. I find myself tired. So, so tired. I come straight home to bed, too tired to even look at my blogging dashboard. I miss blogging a lot. I used to post everyday, I used to visit blogs, I used to comment back, I used to be on top of emails. I'm not really any of that anymore and I miss it. It scares me that this is what it's going to be like when I go off to college. No time for anything, no fun, no chance to do what I'm passionate about. I miss taking outfit pictures. It's the one time that I get to feel peace and away from it all. I want it back.

Oh, and about that creep. The one who kept touching me and trying to get with me? He continued, definitely pushing his limits father from moving to my shoulder to my hip. Yikes, talk about bold. He changed his casual hello to me to a more 'come hither' sort of greeting. What a creep. I've wanted to tell him off for a few weeks now. Every time I open my mouth, the words at the tip of my tongue...I fail to let them out. Being the mute and shy Lauren like always. Gosh, why can't I just STAND UP for myself for once? Why am I so weak that I can't even do that...? I disgust myself for standing for being violated and cheapened.

There may have been one good thing though to my blank stares and gaping mouth. He hasn't touched me in a few days. Hasn't said hello and hasn't looked my way. I think he got the hint somehow. Just how, I don't know. Maybe he figured out how young I am. Maybe he figured out I'm not going in his bed. Maybe he figured out that I don't like creepy-jerk-womanizing-good for nothing- men. Hmm, maybe that's it. I hope the hint stays.

Things with Matt lately have been at a strange place, as well. I hardly see him anyone. He's well into his physcial therapy assistant program, studying away, and me into my job- working five days a week. I see him once, maybe twice a week for little times. It's low key, sitting and talking. We're both too tired to do anything else. I miss the way things used to be. Before we were both older, both had responsibilities, both grew up. I miss the old, carefree us. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship and it makes me so sad. But I'm going to go all Jason Maraz and 'not give up on us.' I can't. He means too much to me and is such a big part of my life. I don't know what will happen when I go off to college though. How I'll cope with seeing him even less, starting a new life. A life mostly without him.

I've been missing out on a lot of things lately. The fourth of July, family trips to the pool, fireworks, a trip to the water park....It makes me sad. One thing I will not be missing though is my birthday in a few weeks. August 1st. I'll be 19. I'm going to Columbus on a shopping trip in late July and all of this working will be worth it then. A trip to my sweet and heavenly Forever21. I simply can't wait.

I suppose that's all for now. I have a lot more on my mind, but this is enough for now. I'm sure you all just skip over my rambling anyways (I would,too). I'm off tomorrow and Tuesday and am greatly looking forward to taking outfit pictures. I've missed it so, so dearly

With much love, Lauren.


Jess said...

Lauren, I truly admire your courage in hard situations like this. Most people would just break down and cry, but I see you with this inner power that will always keep you going. This is not what the rest of your life is going to be. You're destined to do great things, Lauren. And yes, there will be more tough times, but there will be good times as well. Good times where you are surrounded by people who care about you, times where you do the things you love...
And while I do strongly encourage you to try and keep in touch with Matt (he seems like a real gem), the most important thing is that you don't give up on yourself. <3

Carlee, Little Sloth said...

Keep your head up girl and relationships have there ups and downs just hang it there. And it might all be worth it!


Britney @ Scout and Company said...

Oh Happy early bday Lauren!! My 19th is tomorrow (the tenth)! And I love hearing your 'ramblings'. Its great :D I like hearing about where you are etc and I am sure lots of your readers do too!

TaNuja said...

This is something how I feel about myself, relationship with my family and boyfren.

I'm so much into work that I'm unable to put anything in my blog. I meet few people and have little life remaining outta my office.In lunch breaks I do checkout others but hardly have a time to write my own thoughts out.
I think I'm gonna write on this now ;)

Anyways...have a happy life ahead.

One day we'll retire and might miss this hectic life... haha


Alyssa said...

Lauren, I absolutely love your blog. You have the most adorable and unique outfit posts, you aren't the only one that misses them!

As for life, it has its days. I turned 19 earlier this year and just finished my first year in college. You'll love it! You're getting at hint at it now, but independence is truly a magical thing. Learning on your own and for yourself.

Keep your head up <3
xx, Alyssa

Mihaela said...

Helloooo, mature Lauren! Really!
I am impressed! You are so open in this post...no drama, no feeling sorry for yourself, just beautiful and strong Lauren.

I love it! >:D<

Teddi said...

well, i read every word. i hope that loser creep did get the hint, but in case he doesn't because, i've been in your position before, just tell him off. work can be like that. college will be an adjustment. you'll do your best, like you always do.

Cel said...

If that dude does start bothering you again, report him for sexual harassment. He's touching you in a manner that makes you uncomfortable and is inappropriate in a workplace, much less at all. He has no right to make you or anybody else feel like that and clearly you're not the first he's tried it with so you wouldn't be getting a nice guy in trouble. Just my two cents. Working five days a week can be rough, but you get used to it. I live by myself and have worked full time since I graduated from college in 2008 and it's not easy if you're not doing something you love. I know some people who work longer hours than I do but love the work and are happy as can be, we all just have to hope we're lucky enough to wind up/find something like that someday. And you're so right that you are experiencing real life, that's probably the best place to do a lot of mental growing up really, just dealing with all walks of life like that.

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