a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Lead Me.

Polka Dot Blouse, Dooney and Bourke Purse: Thrifted.
Orange Lace Dress: Fig Leaf.
Beret: American Apparel.
Oxfords: c/o Lulu*s.

For the past year or so I had the notion that if I stopped taking my depression medication, I would be fine. It's been such a long time since I've felt that darkness and often times I thought, could it really be that bad? How can this itty bitty pill do so much for me? I got too confident in myself and although it is important to be confident in Christ that He can get you through all things, there is a certain point where medical intervention is necessary.

Remember a few posts back when I said I wasn't feel well? I was plagued by this awful dizziness that left me unable to walk or do much besides close my eyes and lay in bed. I couldn't figure out why I had it for days, but no other symptoms. Then I felt the shift. I started getting really...angry. I'm not a particularly angry person, but for no reason at all I would just look at people and hate them. I began isolating myself and not even wanting anyone to see me, let alone talk to me. I was short and bitter when talking with my parents, even though they had done nothing to me. And then I started crying, sobbing, for absolutely no reason at all.

I knew I had felt all this before, it was so familiar but felt so far away at the same time. Almost like I didn't experience it, but instead remembered it from a dream or something. It was depression.

I ran out of my medication about a week ago and thought I had another bottle of three months worth to get me through until my winter break. When I looked in my drawer, there was none. The prescription couldn't get refilled and it would be delayed even more because my parents would have to mail the medication to me here at college. It only took a few days for it to get out of my system, and you're not supposed to stop cold turkey, but rather lower your dosages gradually. With the sudden stop, the dizziness occurred and it is scary to believe how fast it took (around 4 days) for my depression to return.

I thought I was invincible. I thought I could do it on my own and be okay. Thankfully, I'm back on my medication now, but it was a real wake up call for me. Sometimes you need a little help, and that's okay. It's alright that I can't do it on my own. For some, they can, but for me I know I need this medication to live a normal and happy life. I'm just thankful now more than ever that it allows me to do so every day.

With much love, Lauren.


Unknown said...

Great!:) xo

Sammi said...

Oh Lauren. I'm glad you figured out what was going on. You are most certainly NOT alone in feeling like you don't need your medication, etc. It's incredibly common for people on all sorts of medications to think that they're doing so well that they don't need it. There's no shame in needing it; in fact, I think you're an INCREDIBLY strong and brave person for writing this, and for knowing what you need in order to lead a healthy and happy life!!! It's awful that you had to wait for it to be refilled and mailed to you, but now you know the steps to take to make sure that this sort of thing doesn't happen again! Glad you're back on track, pretty girl! On a totally superficial note, I love this outfit!

xox Sammi

Kalie said...

Very lovely outfit, I really do love your purse. And I can really relate--I don't have depression, but a pretty severe anxiety disorder. It's prevented me from living my life to it's fullest in many aspects, and I've been fighting hard for the past couple years to not let it hold me back. Sometimes, when things get bad, I experience the same feeling of never-make-me-leave-this-bed and every task--whether brushing my teeth or grocery shopping--fills me with an unreasonable sense of dread. It's a life long battle, I'm sure. Just keep on fighting.



Kezzie said...

I'm glad you'll be getting it sorted. Christ is in all things, in the hands of a Doctor, in the comfort and concern of a loving friend and relative, he works good through all things so yes, sometimes we need to remember that he works in Different ways in different situations. It's surprisingly easy to forget though, I agree!!!
You are looking very pretty in shades of Autumn x

Unknown said...

You look so pretty - that top is just so fun!

Also, sorry to hear that you had such a scary experience! I'm glad that you made the realization that being on meds isn't something to necessarily be ashamed of. You are wonderful and smart lady, Lauren. Your honesty and openness really is an inspiration.


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