a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Monday, July 16, 2012


I don't want to admit I have it. The D word. The word that no teenager (or anyone) wants to face, wants to realize they have. It's gotten to the point where I wish I weren't alive. Weren't feeling this suffering, dull, sadness anymore. I walk around with demons in my heart and my mind in a place no one's should go. I can't talk to people about it. I still really can't. I don't feel like trying, like trying to get the words out because it's too painful, no one understands. I don't want to burden them. Make them think I'm already more crazy than I know I am.

I hate being this way. I hate wishing I were better off dead, better off not here on this earth as a burden to people. This feeling is the most heinous feeling in the world. The fact that it even exists perplexes me. No one may understand what it feels like but the individual, a gnawing death creeping into your subconscious and taking everything you have left away.
I haven't felt happy in the longest time. I don't laugh. I don't smile. I just don't. It's never been a part of me and sometimes I wonder if it ever will. People are always telling me to smile. That I look beautiful when I smile. That my face lights up. That I look happy. I smile for them, but it never means anything. It never means what it should.

I knew I had to tell someone about all of this. That I just couldn't keep these awful feelings, awful thoughts to myself. All I wanted to do was sleep. To be alone in my room. I pushed away my family, Matthew, you all. All I wanted was to be alone and drown it all out. I knew it wasn't healthy, knew it wasn't right. But I did it anyways.
Tonight I went over to Matt's. I had left my house in an angry mood, yelling at my parents for some silly, meangingless thing. I hated myself for doing that to them. For being so unworthy of their love, their affection. A loveless child who really didn't deserve anyone. At Matt's, I laid on his bed, just hating everything, hating my life, myself, the way I am. I hated the fact that I'm not fun, that I can't make him laugh, that I always want to sleep, that I'm not beautiful, that I don't exercise, that I'm not who I used to be. With every passing moment I hated myself more. I sat there crying on his bed, him asking me what was wrong and I couldn't talk. The more he yelled at me to say something, the more I just couldn't. I hated myself even more for doing this to him, for me doing this to our relationship. Screwing it all up because I'm a screw up. Always have been, always will be. Unlovable Lauren. I left, crying, mascara running down my face, disappointing him and myself even more.

I drove away, knowing exactly where I wanted to go. The nature center. Where I take my pictures. I drove up to it, feeling disgusted with myself and my ruined face which was black and stained, puffy and ugly. A couple was kissing as I pulled up, and I knew that would never be me because who could love a being such as myself?

I ran on the trail, seeking refuge from this life I live. Away from it all. Far, far away. I went to the watch tower, the place that overlooks my whole town. Another couple occupied it. I ran further away into the woods, gasping for air and tears blurring my vision. My eyes stung with the makeup in them and I hated everything, wanting just to lay in the woods and never come out.

I sat on the wooden bridge crying. Talking to God in a hoarse whisper why he would do this to me. What I did to deserve feeling so miserable, why I'm never happy. Why I got depression. I was angry at him, yelling at him to help me...God, help me. I would do anything. I knew I was undeserving, was so undeserving of being helped but I told him I would do anything to be rid of this terrible feeling I'm always left with. I sat there crying, wishing I would have the courage to put all of this misery to an end but I knew I never could and never would. I'm too much of a coward but it's something I'm thankful for. I thought about hanging myself in those woods, an evil disgusting thought I'm so ashamed to type. I hate myself for it and it only makes me seem more crazy. At that point, that low point I knew enough was enough. I'm not going to sit here thinking about which branch I'd like to hang myself on. I need to get help.

I called my mother. I met her at Mcdonald's. She talked me though everything, soothed me through with words I don't deserve. She is the most incredible, life saving person alive. And I am more thankful for her than words express.I'm going to get help. I deserve help, I deserve to be happy. It's clear I have depression. I've always known that but never done anything about it. We're going to make a doctor's appointment to get on some medication and I'm going to start going to a therapist again. Writing helps, too.

I wish I didn't have to write about these sort of things on my blog. I wish I could tell you all fun, beautiful stories of my life. I wish I could paint you pictures of my perfect life, my perfect relationships, and my perfect thoughts. I wish I could be strong, could hold myself together, be a role model for you all. Sometimes I can't do any of these things though. Actually 99% of the time and I'm so disappointed I can't be so much more for you all. At the end of the day I'm a real girl and this is a real blog. I can't write about what I'm not like, what I don't know. I know what pain feels, I know what depression feels, and I know what loneliness feels. I know you all don't want to hear about all this. You have your own problems to deal with, you don't need a teenage girl's to boot. But I needed to write this. I need to keep writing what I feel. I can't speak, but I can write. All I could think about in those woods was wanting to write. Of wanting a journal to document these feelings, let it all out, and be me. 

I want to get better. I want to be happy. I want to get Lauren back.

Maybe tonight can be the first step to that.

With much love, Lauren.


claire said...

aw lauren i know how you feel, i've felt like that for a while to, i'm so uninterested in everything and it's just hard to be happy. i hope you feel better and less sad ♡ xx

Anonymous said...

Oh Lauren, I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with this. You of all people, sweet, kind, beautiful, and strong, don't deserve this. You are strong enough to overcome this though. I know that you can. You made it through high school, you can make it through this. There is too much beauty in this world and too many wonderful things for you to see and experience for you to stay this way, and I know that you won't.You're too wonderful, too amazing, beautiful, passionate to let this hold you down much longer. We're all here for you, Lauren. If you ever need to vent, talk, or anything else, let any one of your readers know. <3


Charlotte Cantillon (Crowley) said...

Lauren, I appreciate and love your blog so much for the fact that you are completely honest. I am sick of reading blogs that are just bullshit stories of life being butterflies and sunshine and rainbows. Life isn't like that.
Depression is a dark, horrible thing and I've had experiences myself. I have family and friends who are going through it right now. And the worst part is that we're all too afraid to talk about mental illness. We can talk about cancer or a broken leg. Things we can see. But depression we don't talk about. It has a social stigma.
I hope that this post can not only help you but help somebody else who needs to talk about their depression.
My thoughts are with you. I hope you can start working through this pain.

Charlotte x

Jana K said...

I am so sorry Lauren. This probably doesn't help much but trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I've been there before too.

I will continue to pray for you. You are beautiful and full of potential-even if you do not realize it.

Feel better!


Anonymous said...

lauren, you're such a rose and don't you doubt that okay? its hard to be something so pretty and delicate, of course it is, but its fine to be afraid. everyone will tell you that you have no reason to be, but i know because i've felt it. what you need is to look inside yourself and know with all of your heart that you are worth more than anyone could ever tell you, that's what girls like us have to do. be strong honey like i know you are.

Anonymous said...

Lauren, when I read this my heart nearly broke for you. You deserve every kind word that I, your mother, and anyone else can give you. Please don't give up on yourself, you have every right to be afraid, and just remember that you can and will get through this. You are a wonderful, beautiful girl, and you can win this battle, just like you won your battle with OCD. Things may seem dark, but you can find the light. It gets better. I promise.

Rachael A. said...

Lauren, you are fighting this battle only because you have an awesome destiny in front of you. There is an unusual amount of greatness in you, girl, and don't let those demons tell you otherwise. The darkest times ALWAYS come right before something amazing happens. I'm tuning in to see what great thing is about to happen to you next week. :)

Unknown said...

Lauren, you can make it through this because girl you deserve to be here! We need you around! I'm so glad that you are going to be getting the help you need because you deserve an amazing and HAPPY life. I'm always praying for you Miss Lauren. You can make it through this; you are a strong and wonderful person. Keep your head high, hon!


Britney @ Scout and Company said...

Hey Lauren. It Britney.
I am so, at a loss of words right now. I want to wish you all the best and send you sooo so much love. Because that is what you deserve. You are so loved Lauren!
To me you are one of the most beautiful, wise, strongest, honest and inspiring girls I have ever, ever had the pleasure (because it is a pleasure) to know, even if knowing you right now is only via email and internet.
I opened up to you about my past and my struggle and I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a similar thing now. When I was depressed I actually thought about hanging myself too, from one of my purple scarves. It broke my Mums heart. And seeing her cry brought me unbelievable pain.
But I want to tell you something. After surviving that hard time you become so much stronger. You become wiser than all those around you. You become who you know you are and you are able to stand up to who you are.
I know this because I've been there.
Sometimes I have hard days still. I still see a counciler. Yesterday, first day back at uni after break, I felt incredibly awkward and socially unacceptable. Sometimes I just feel low and there isn't a certain reason for it. Sometime I feel ugly and fat and horrid. But at the same time as each day passes I grow more myself. And as each goes by I am more likely and more capable to stand up and say "Hey, this is who I am, take it or leave it".
Sometimes you feel sad and you know you shouldn't because life is bloody perfect. There isn't a reason behind the sadness. But its there. That sadness, in a way is a blessing because it brings change and growth and it motivates you to move forward to better and more beautiful things. When you change the way you think on the inside and the way you feel about yourself, life will change to match that and most likely even better!! Those liked minded people that I talk about sometimes will come. That best friend, she will show. I am still waiting for that amazing something, those amazing friends that just make your heart swell. And I know they are out there, somewhere.
You know that you are beautiful! You are Lauren. You inspire me to dress better and make an effort!! The outfits you wear are spectacular!! And I look at your photos and I see someone who is so brave and lovely and beautiful and wish that I could be like her.
For years I struggled with low selfesteem so now, and this is very embarrassing, any time I feel beautiful I try to snap a picture of me. I know, silly right, but it builds up my confidence. I don't know how that is relevant.
You will make it out of this. You will! And when you do, you will be so happy that you are still alive. Life will be beautiful and youll see that! It won't happen over night. But when you work at it each night it will :) One thing I just started that might work for you is a vision board. You just cut out all the things you want and then stick it down on a board. I've got mine by my bed and before I go to sleep each night I visualize those things I want. I imagine me having them and what it will feel like. It sounds silly but it makes you feel good!! Makes you work towards them and helps them come into reality.
Lauren you are so amazing. If you ever want to chat you have my email :) just email me and I'll be there. You can tell me stuff and I'll understand because I've been there too and each day is getting better for me. And each day it will get better for you too!! Email me :) and if you want to skype on day we can do that too :)
Lots of love Lauren darling!!
Britney of Lemonwood and Honey
(I know this was long! I've not gone back and read it, so, sorry if it doesn't make sense or sounds silly. I just wrote. And sorry if I repeated myself lots too)
Talk soon :) hug hug hug

Britney @ Scout and Company said...

I am so sorry. I didn't think I talked for that much!!!
-Britney of Lemonwood and Honey

Unknown said...

Dear, dear Lauren, this is terrible to hear. I know a little about how your feeling. I wouldn't say I have ever been depressed, I hate to think of anyone having to suffer through that especially a beautiful girl like yourself, but I know all too well that constant sense of melancholy. I wish the world was all sunshines and rainbows too. Sometimes I feel like I'm creating such a facade in life, living in a dream world which is far from what it seems, that no one can ever see or understand my deeper thoughts and sadness. I think especially at our age everything can become so overwhelming; you beginning a new life, myself about to graduate; constantly worrying about exams, crying over school, wondering if anything is worth anything anymore. What you're doing is right though, writing your thoughts down. I find it helps me too. Keep staying strong, I know it feels like no one understands, but hoepefully you will become to learn that really there are lots of people out there who will listen to you, and yes, even understand (your mum, blog readers etc) we are all human beings after all, we all share the same sufferings. Well done for being so brave and sharing this with us, and addressing such hard hitting issues. I wish you the best of luck Lauren, I will keep you in my prayers

Xx Carina

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
em.kerr said...

Looking at all the notes people have left you, you must see how much you are loved. And how many lives you are touching through your blog. Sometimes it may seem flighty, writing about clothes or makeup or recipes, but it sounds like you are just now realizing that although one corner of cyberspace, your blog has become a regular stop for hundreds of readers! Whether they comment or not, chances are you have become a part of their day that will affect how they move forward in their individual futures. There is great privilege in that fact! With every post, you encourage and identify with every one of those people who stop on Someone Like You. Because you are someone like me. You're like all of us, and reading your very honest post today gave me the courage I need to do something I've been shying away from.

I'm sick of being fake. I'm sick of other people always pretending they're alright when really they're freaking not! If one girl could just break down and admit she was having problems, maybe she wouldn't succumb to a severe inferiority complex or begin the long path down towards eating disorders. I truly appreciate your honesty, and no matter what anyone ever tells you, conveying your feelings is a vital part of human life! We need to talk to one another, as cliche as that may sound. God didn't put one person on the earth and say have at it or make a world-population without the ability to converse, but He created us for the purpose of relationship. And that relationship (with Him) we practice on each other.

I've been kind of depressed lately but have been unwilling to admit that's what it is. Feeling not good enough, feeling like a loser, a coward for not expressing my feelings when I should, selfish for not being there for others with worse problems than I have, ungrateful because my life is theoretically perfect in comparison to some and I should be gladdened by the mere fact. Truth is though, it's not enough. And it's not enough for someone else to just say "you're pretty" or "you're smart". It takes believing it in your heart. And the sad thing is, I can't get myself to believe that on my own.

Sometimes God just seems so far away and distant. If He's even there, how could He care so much about my life? It's too ridiculous to fathom! And yet, I believe it with my being. Yeah, I doubt. I'm a sorry excuse for a Christian if ever there was one because I'm constantly thinking "But what if God isn't real?" I hurt so badly sometimes and I don't feel like He's with me, so is He really there?

Thing is though, whenever I do spend time with Him and do take moments to just be silent and talk to Him, I can feel Him there. At times, there is a bunch of junk in my head and in my heart that I have to clear out first, but in the end, He is always there. It's not Him who's becoming distant, it's me.

Why this has to happen now and then is beyond me, but Lauren I hope that you'll find that place again in your heart. It's not a journey others can make for you, though you can't make it alone. Thanks for encouraging me in my own life! Just so you know, you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Remember what's really important in life. :)

Unknown said...

Lauren, you're definitely strong just for deciding it's time to get help! Things will get better.

Celia said...

Lauren, my heart hurt for you as I read this. Your words are soaked in pain. Don't let this darkness overcome you...don't listen to your demons. Get help. Stand strong. You will shine again.

Mandy said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've been struggling with depression for a few years now, and I just recently (like last month) told my mom that I needed help. People say that this is just how teenagers feel sometimes, but I tell them that they don't understand. What we are going through is not normal teenager stuff. I can't explain where the depression comes from because really my life isn't all that bad, but there is just something inside that prevents me from being happy. I have the most difficult time talking to people, even the therapist that I was sent to. I really hope that you find something that makes you happy because you are so beautiful. Not that I'm glad you are depressed, but I am glad that I'm not alone in feeling this way at this point in my life. Thank you for being so honest, because I know how hard it is to do. You are a stunning and inspiring human being, no matter what your depression is telling you. Sending you my love and support.

Marisa Noelle said...

I wish I could just give you one big hug right now Lauren. You are such a strong and courageous soul. I've struggled on and off with similar feelings as well and if anything, know that you are not alone and you have a whole lot of people near and far you love and support you no matter what. It may feel like a long unending road at times, but the sun will surely shine again. Keeping you close to my thoughts and prayers beautiful gal:) xx Marisa

Lilianajcardoso said...

I won't pretend to know what your going through right now,I know I've felt like you describe your feeling many times, for a long time, but we all are different, the reasons that lead us to deep sadness are unique and personal (I don't like the word depression, it was so used that sounds superficial and there's nothing superficial about it). But one thing I learned, is that we only need ourselves to change this. My reasons of sadness started with overweight and everything got worse with my parents divorce, I cried my self to sleep a hundred times, I felt sorry for my self, I thought of a thousand ways to end my pain, but every time I thought about my Mum I knew I was stronger than that. I struggled until I found the straight I needed to change my life. I tried diets ant I lost some weigh, but not the enough for me, so one day I finally decided to get out of my comfort zone I signed for indoor cycling classes. I think it was my miracle. I felt much better, I wasn't cranky anymore, I could eat some delicious things and never get fatter, I made new friends and it really made all the difference. I also started to love myself, I accepted me, stopped comparing myself with other people, I actually started enjoying being me.
And I'm not saying it's everything bright and colored everyday, it's not, sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel I'm going back to that sadness, but it's mostly when I'm under a lot of pressure. You don't need pills, therapy helps very much but mostly what you need is to face what makes you miserable and change what you can change, but mostly accept what you can't change.
Don't feel bad for sharing this all in your blog, it's online it's true, but it's also YOUR blog, if people don't like it it's there own problem, don't visit it. I believe that the comments can make you feel better, so that's a good thing.

Girl, your beautiful even if you don't feel that way, you have a boy that seems to love you very much, a family that would do anything to make you smile, there's only missing one thing, you loving yourself. Stop apologizing, stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's all in your mind, believe me!

A big hug for you,


Victoria / Justice Pirate said...

That is very sad. I am sorry you are going through so many tough things right now. I used to have depression after my missionary uncle was killed and I had a very very very difficult time. I was only 11-15 when I suffered and had a lot of counselling, but what got me out of it was to get away from myself. . .and give myself to Jesus to transform my life and attitude. I know that is not what you want to hear. I didn't take meds or anything because I wanted to be the one in control of my emotions. Do i still battle depression at all? hmm, I think sometimes, but just doing what you did in calling out to God for help is what is best. I don't think I have been low since I was in that age of past though. Reading so many missionary stories, persecution stories, stories of human trafficking victims, etc. . .made me realize I am truly so blessed and have NO reason to be sad or down at all. We live in a society that is all about "being happy" but God says we're GOING to suffer and it is GOING to be hard. . .but that it is worth it. Through Him we'll be happy because we serve others and Him instead of what we want. People I know who have depression don't see the side I do now, but I worked hard to get there and really recall how horrible things were for me in my depression. He is there with you through it all. He loves you so much! Keep fighting. Find yourself through Jesus alone. I love you!

audrey said...

dear Lauren,

i'm so sorry to read this. You don't have to have the perfect life to be a role model, i still think of you like a role model!! Nobody's perfect!! Just be you the Lauren we all love and like. So good luck and know we that we are here for you!

Lots of love and good luck!

xx Audrey

Emily said...

Oh jeez Lauren, I'm so glad you wrote this. You did an amazing thing, for yourself, and for all of us. You've made me realize even more that everyone has flaws and a story behind them, and that life isn't always what we want it to be. And I love you for that:) Just know that we are always here for you. My friend is actually going through the same exact thing right now. He just got a therapist a couple weeks ago but was too afraid to admit to his parents that he had depression because he was ashamed. He had been hiding it all inside.

Don't worry Lauren, cause every little thing, is gonna be alright. Hakuna Matata girl!

Love Emily

Hope Adela Pasztor said...

Uuugh I only know too well how you feel! Things WILL get better. Try spending lots of time outside in the sunshine with nature. That always helps me! =)

Teddi said...

lauren, it is the 1st step, & you will get help. don't anxiety & depression go hand in hand? like aren't they just 2 things on opposites of the spectrum? maybe i'm mistaken. love is all around you.

Anonymous said...

You are most definiteley lovable, honest, and an amazing person. You've got a great guy, and wonderful family, all of them that love you. As you can tell by the many comments you've gotten, lots of people admire,care, and respect you for who you are. Don't ever try to be someone else than yourself, because it would be a waste. You're so wise, strong, beautiful and smart that it pains me to see you suffering. I know you'll beat this,though, I have full confidence in you.
Just know that all of us here in the blogoverse admire you and are there for you.


katie said...

Drepression is such an evil beast.

I think more of us suffer from it than we admit, but it can be such an overwhealming burden. I've struggle with it most of my life, but I've talked to very, very few about it. (Because why would you want to tell everyone that you're unhappy, when everything is fine? you sound crazy!) When I have a bad spell, I write and write and then after Ive gotten my harsh and angery feelings out on paper, I go back a write about everything that I love. It sounds silly, but has helped me so much. (I get nervous about meds. for this, so I've stayed away, but whatever path you take dear, be SURE to talk to someone about it! It's amazing how much it helps.)
I've taken up running and that helps so much as well, just being outside seems to do wonders. Take care of yourself and don't feel ashamed over this and dont bury your feelings. It can be so hard to get out of this dark place, but you can do it. If you ever feel like it's too much or want to talk, just dash off an email to me. Take care dear!

Anonymous said...

Lauren-I've been where you are. And it sucks. Because it's the hardest thing to explain. I noticed in your blog you mentioned that you don't exercise. This might sound strange, but I didn't exercize either... For about a year or so, I've started going to the gym..and my depression dissapeared. Apparently exercise helps a lot of people who feel down on themselves. Give it a go! Its better than feeling sorry for yourself :)

Stephanie Loudmouth said...

I am 25 years old and have been dealing with depression on and off since I was 10. It's a struggle, but over time, you'll learn how to control it. You'll learn what helps and what doesn't. And sometimes you won't feel like you have the strength to do what helps you, but you have to push through. You'll be okay. And you are so blessed to have such a wonderful mother.

Unknown said...

I know that You wrote this post a while ago and are just moving to college so things might be better and changing and an answer to this post seems a little bit unneccesary. However I just wanted to tell you that this honest real, amazingly written post is the reason I am going to follow your blog now. Believe me, all those happy posts can be great but I will always prefer a post someone writes about his real life,his struggles, his ups and downs. I read a great post on joannagoddard.blogspot.com about her suffering from depression and the following sentence stuck with me( I am paraphrasing here): "If you are brave enough to open your mouth and honestly speak about your struggles, you open your mouth for so many people who face the same struggles right now and did not know they were not alone."
So please never think you are letting your readers down when you do not post a happy sunshine post, on the contrary!

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