a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Monday, February 20, 2012

Candy Pastels.

Lavander 1950's Dress, Light Pink Cardigan, Pearl Jewelry, White Quilted Purse: Thrifted.
Tan Clog Heels: Target.
Nail polish in Revlon #85 'Minted.'

Rejection is something I've experienced a lot in my life. Specifically rejection when it comes to friends. Countless times over my youth I've found myself being the odd gal out whether I did anything or not. I was always a third wheel to a friendship or the one no one wanted to deal with anymore. Sometimes the girl no one even wanted to give a chance in the first place. I never quite figured out what it is that makes people so prone to abandon me. I gave up a long time ago and just accepted the fact that I am an unlovable person.

Last year in March a friendship that meant everything to me ended abruptly. I didn't really talk about it much on here because I was so hurt and broken. Its taken me a year to get over what happened to me with those two individuals, and it's something I still think about everyday. The pain of losing them has subsided, but has not gone away completely. What's worse than losing them though is the undeniable fear and anxiety I have about being abandoned again. They left me so broken...so hopelessly heart broken. These two people were my everything and the two people who I thought were God's gift to me for all of the suffering and loneliness I had endured for years. To be rejected by them was the biggest slap in the face I've ever had and left me feeling more insecure about myself than ever. When someone abandons me, I never think about what that other person's reason for ending it was. I just automatically assume it was my fault.

So jaded and insecure I've been about friendships this past year that I totally isolated myself from everyone who tries to get close to me. I'm too scared of feeling that pain again. I don't want to be so obsessed and enamored by a friendship and then when it ends (because they all undoubtedly do end in my life), be left with nothing.

I can't really go into extreme detail at this point about the situation, but in explanation to yesterday I was upset for no reason. My past with rejection and abandonment has left me so parnoid to any friendships/meaningful relationships/people I have in my life currently that I tend to get a little carried away at times. I'm always in constant fretting that the person/people are suddenly going to realize I'm really not that great. In fact, I'm nothing short of a failure and why would you want to be friends with a failure? I have such a hard time seeing what people like in me because all I see are faults...Sometimes I get caught up in thinking too much and jumping to conclusions that are absolutely unnecessary. Anyways, all of this rambling is pretty much my way to try and tell you all that everything is okay now. I got upset too fast over nothing, and thankfully the issue is resolved now. I can't thank you all enough though for the kind words and help you gave me in response to my distress. I am endlessly appreciative!

Anywho, enjoy this rather happy and pastel outfit to contrast my rather dark thoughts. I'm sure it's much more pleasant :)

With much love, Lauren.


Ashlyn said...

Aw, Lauren. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much heartache when it comes to friends. I'm sure it feels good just to get it out, so I'm not trying to play some "listen to my advice" card by saying this, but I definitely think blogging helps. I have had some speed bumps when it comes to making new friends in college, but being able to focus my energies into something creative helps me maintain peace. And as always, a killer 50s vibin' outfit like you have on helps lift the spirits. I really hope you get better, and always remember you have friends in the blogging community!

Anonymous said...

You took the words out of my mouth. My entire life has been me being used by people. People I thought were my friends one day were suddenly not. I've become such a closed book due to all the hurt and rejection I've felt. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this and neither are you! You have a ton of people here in the blogging community who love you!
xo Amanda

Wild Flower said...

You look so pretty in spring time pastels, I really love the shape of this dress too!

I'm sorry you were so bummed yesterday, it's not fair for such a cute and sweet girl to feel that way. And I know exactly what you are going through, since I lost all my friends to drinking and drugs. It's lonely a lot of the time, but I still have my family and now my boyfriend's family too! College will be a new opening for you and I know you will have the best of times girl. In the mean time though... exercise, music, and chocolate helps me get through the worst of my sadness. Especially exercise :) Maybe you could try going for a long walk the next time you're feeling down? Helps clear your mind, any who, I hope you start to feel better soon!


The Semi Sweet said...

I'll tell you this Lauren. I was in the exact same spot as you about 9 years ago. I had no friends really (except a girl I stayed close with from church growing up) and then my boyfriend who is now my husband. In all honesty, it gets better as people start broadening their horizons and grow up. High school is such a different world and once you move on from that place, you'll find that people will be more accepting of you, your beliefs, and your values. You are not a failure in any sense of the word. You're a great writer, smart, pretty, and stay true to yourself. :)

Natasha Atkerson said...

So sorry you're going through this. I'm going through a similair situation right now, feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. I have the same thoughts as you, that it's me, that I'm not good enough to be friends with people. But I know beyoned a shadow of a doubt that is not true about you, and it's not true about me.

In the past, I've learned that often God takes away certain people because we start leaning on them to fulfill us, instead of Him. In those times (like now) I try to remember that I'm not truly alone-He is always with me. Something that always helps me is to make a prayer journal. It helps to write your thoughts to God out and sort them out. Please know that God truly does love you, and this is as close to Hell as you will ever be! :) I wish you lived close to me, you seem like a nice girl! I'd love to be friends with you. Check out
Isaiah 41:10 and Joshua 1:5
I love these song lyrics:
"Even when it hurts, even when it all just falls apart, You steady my heart."
A Modest Fashion Blog:

CaptMO/ DJ ABO said...

I swear there's nothing more difficult to escape than the past. Just hold yourself high and when you do let go for a while, just be sure to shake it all out and get going again! Abandonment is a terrible thing to have to go through, especially over and over again. Your self worth should be taken from your own view of yourself. See what you really are and how great the things you do are. Remember that those who cast you aside don't know what true beauty is if they would let you go. Your vision and talent are rarities in this world, especially these days! Your blog shows your inner self, which many would hide or even in an anonymous blog, they would lie about their lives. You are real and therefore a step above the rest! Your fashion is among the tops I have seen over the years. I especially like how you have your tights collection and show your outfits with pride, while the "experts" constantly talk down and say hosiery is out of fashion. You're the rebel who shows otherwise! You have a great gift Miss Lauren! You also have us here following your blog, this is a group who will never leave you!!! Take care hun and be strong and walk tall! :-)

CaptMO/ DJ ABO said...

BTW, you look absolutely MAJESTIC in these photos, beautifully put together!!! :-)

Unknown said...

Aw, I'm sorry you've had such trouble with your friendships at the end of high school. You'll get a fresh start at college though and as long as you put yourself out there and enjoy dorm life you should meet some friends! Don't shut people out. It's better to take a chance on friends/love/whatever than to hole up and block people out. At least, I think so.

Also, you look beautiful in this outfit. I love your vintage dress. Everything is so pink and girly and fun!

Lauren said...

I don't know you or the situation (obviously), but I think I do kind of know how you feel. It's my last year of high school and my only two girl friends basically left me in the dust. And it's really hard going through life without a girl friend to lean on, especially in a small school where basically everyone is friends with everyone (except a few including me that other people ignore), but I'm learning that if someone like that doesn't want to be my friend anymore, then I won't stop them. Haha, I don't think I'm being very uplifting ... but anyways, just know that you're not weird or worthless because they left, because that is absolutely not true. Never start telling yourself that, because eventually you'll believe it.

I hope you get to feeling better and find super awesome people that will support you. :)

Unknown said...

So sorry to hear that you've gone through so much. I am one of those people, too, who are lonely and don't have that many friends in their life. Luckily, I've got a few who are very important to me and me to them. I hope you have a few of these real friends, too, and a least you've got Matt. :)

You look beautiful.

Unknown said...

I'm sorry for all the hardship in your life. I too, have gone through some really tough times when I lost friends that were closest to me. I felt like my heart was literally broken inside of me and even now... years later.. I am still not a very trusting person and can sometimes be too harsh on people. I can relate to how you feel!!

On a brighter note.. lovely outfit! I really do love the color pink so much! And it looks beautiful on you!

Sian Thomas said...

I'm so sorry you've had to suffer all this, and I honestly can't believe you can be an 'unlovable person'. You've just had bad luck with friends. I'm the same with 'best' friends - I have a group of friends who don't tend to let me down, but I've gone through my share of best girl friends and I always seem to lose them somehow. My last experience was with a girl who I thought was my best friend ever and forever, but our relationship was based upon a really shaky foundation, and despite that fact that we were ridiculously close, it turned out to be too close, so that when the friendship ended, it ended very badly. That was 3 years ago now and I still suffer over it, in fact even last night I dreamed about what happened and woke up sad and angry again. So I know exactly how you feel =( If you want to talk, drop me an email or something - I don't mind listening and maybe I could help?
On another note, I love this outfit - the pastels are perfect and the shape of that dress is just amazing, you look so beautiful!!

Zane said...

you look so stunning here, love the soft pastels on you! and everything will be fine, you'll see :)

Sydney said...

Hello Lauren, I'm a first time commenter but I've been following your blog for a while. I love your style and your honesty in all your posts. I read this post and my heart broke for you. You are such a lovely person and if people can't see that then it is their failing and not yours. You just be yourself and you'll find people who love you for it and that is 10x more satisfying than pretending to be anyone else. Cheer up sweetie, we are all proud of you here :)

Kezzie said...

Oh Lauren, I am so sorry that things like this have happened to you! Really, I think you are wonderful! Really! I just wish I'd known you as a teenager!

I totally understand that viewpoint of feeling everything is your fault. I always feel like that. Whenever my boyfriend is in a grump/stressed, I ALWAYS think it is my fault, that he no longer likes me, that he wants to break up. I spent Valentines day feeling this, feeling miserable for that reason!Inevitably, it is just him, but I do always feel anxious. Similarly, a colleague at work today had a massive shout at me (which I discovered was overheard by my headteacher) because she's having stress and she basically told me I wasn't allowed to teach a lesson plan that she had the idea for, because she keeps being slated by Senior management for her maths books. It wasn't even HER idea- it was one in the text book. I literally went and cried upstairs. She never speaks to me without having a go and I constantly feel upset about it. I'm not trying to say that this situation is anything like yours, because of course, it really isn't but I empathise with those feelings of fault and inadequacy you have and also point out, that it's often about the other person, not you yourself.

You look like a vision here- so so so beautiful! I would LOVE to wear this outfit!!!

Midwest Muse said...

Seriously, Lauren, every time I come to your blog, I think, there's no way Lauren looks cuter than yesterday, but YES you do! You are one of the few people that seems to outdo herself with each post. You are so adorable and sweet and dainty in this outfit. I love it.

As for those friends, I've learned over the years that friendship should be unconditional and effortless and when it stops being that there's typically a problem with the person and not you. Some people are addicted to being bitches and that's not your fault. I can assure you that the older you get the more you'll realize that it's usually other peoples insecurities that end friendships. I've walked away from a few people and it hurt and it still hurts, but I know it was for the better. You'll meet better people in college, I promise you!


Dear Lauren. I'm not quite sure why I felt the need to say "dear" other than I feel quite empathetic towards you at the moment. I'm sorry you had this happen to you, I tend to have friendships kind of end as well hence why I don't ever get too close to people and keep a safe distance. I hope you feel much chipper soon and your mood matches the cheerfulness of your outfit! I do adore it so!

Randomly found your blog today and we seem to share a love for vintage and styles that are a bit more modest, so yay!

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