a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Friday, October 26, 2012

Weird Feelings.

Pink Blazer, Lace Blouse, Floral Skirt: Thrifted.
Infinity Scarf: Target.
Cream Loafers: c/o Pink and Pepper.

Healing is this really weird concept. Every one does it differently. At different paces, different times, different ways, with different vices...each one of us deals with healing in a special way and each of our journeys is magnificent.

I've been really confused the past few weeks. I went through my first two and a half months of college an angry, bitter, sobbing mess over my breakup. Every day, no matter how lovely things were going I was sad. I cried, was hurt, angry, and had such a closed mind to ever getting better. And then one night everything just changed. It was the worst night in the two and a half months, and was feeling emotionally destroyed. Then the next morning I wake up and I'm not angry anymore. I didn't cry anymore. I didn't hate him and wish things were different and write angry journal entries every night about everything. 

All I do anymore is think about how this happened and why it happened. I really can't wrap my head around it. How can I be so miserable for months and weeks on end and then just...stop? How can I go a whole day without thinking about him when two weeks ago I couldn't even go an hour? How did my nightmares stop, being replaced by sweet dreams and aspirations I have? How did the pain in my stomach, the physical pain, of thinking of him with another girl all of a sudden subside? I just don't get it and there's never been anything in my life that has puzzled me so much (it even tops AP Calc).

I get angry sometimes because I just don't understand how it can kill me one day and then be fine the next. Even though it's so cut and dry, it doesn't mean I still don't have intense feelings about the whole thing. My love for him hasn't gone away- I would still do anything and everything to help him because he was my best friend...the person I cared for most in life. But instead of feeling this bitterness towards him that I felt before, I don't. I'm at a place where if he comes back someday to be my friend, he comes back. If he doesn't; well, then he doesn't.

I stayed in a crappy five year relationship because I was too scared of being without him. I didn't stay because I was in love with him...I stayed because I was too scared to be defined as just Lauren. I didn't think I could make friends or be on my own or live a fulfilling life without him. Looking back, I realize how silly and juvenile all of that was and that I would have been just fine...in fact, I'm realizing that he held me back from so much in life. I just hope I didn't do the same to him.

Moving on is hard because honestly, I don't want to. Often I think I want to be sad and miserable and hate him just because that's all I've ever known and all that's familiar. It's like leaving your parents house after you graduate. Even though you want so much out of life and want to do everything, you still want comfort, familiarity, and the promise of love. I think the hardest thing for me these past few weeks have been accepting in my mind that my heart is moving on. Now here's where I get super angry as myself and ashamed. I have a crush on a guy. A silly little crush. I wonder sometimes how it happened, why it happened, and how exactly I could let it happen. Shouldn't I be miserable and crying still? Shouldn't I still be pining after him, holding onto the love of my life? Does it make me a bad person to have feelings for someone else? I feel like I'm cheating on him by having this crush even though it's the silliest thing in the world because we've been broken up for almost three months now and he's been dating someone for quite awhile. Why do I feel so ashamed?

I guess because I still love him. Not in love, but love him and know that my heart is where he is, no matter who comes into and out of my life he will always be number one and I don't want that to slip away. Nothing will come out of this crush, I know it won't. The guy hardly even knows I exist and frankly, I don't want him to. Even though I have these feelings, I know that I'm not ready to move on. I lost so much of myself in my past relationship without even realizing it. Rediscovering who Lauren is has been just...so much fun. I've learned things about myself that I never knew and have been finding out what I lost and how to get it back. I've especially realized how much I need to work on my relationship with Him and I don't want any guy coming between that. I have too much going for me to move backwards now.

So I'm at this weird place with a bunch of weird feelings and just feeling weird in general. But I like weird. It's not sad, it's not hurt, and it's not bitter. 

It's the perfect place for moving on, yet still keeping someone in your heart, and most importantly finding out about yourself along the way. One teeny tiny step at a time.

With much love, Lauren.


Rubi Ruiz said...

You're really good at articulating your thoughts and feelings and that's really great! I'm very happy for how far you've come with this :)



Carlee, Little Sloth said...

Time heals all things! And I am glad you are feeling better. This pink blazer by the way is beautiful on you.
Almost Endearing

Kristian said...

Glad you are starting to feel better and love the pink blazer.

Unknown said...

I love this outfit! That scarf looks adorable and super comfy.

I'm glad that you are feeling better, hon! I know that everything can feel SO confusing, like your heart is being pulled in a thousand different places; hopefully you'll see the right path soon!


Katie Burry said...

I'm so glad you're getting to find what you like and discover who you are! I think that is so so important to do!

You're doing super and I'm so glad for you! Let's skype soon. I love talking to you. ;D

Anonymous said...

love the skirt. :) Irene Wibowo

Shelby said...

Thank you so much for this post. I really needed it. I seriously can't even begin to explain how much I know what you are going through.

A Certain Vintage said...

you express the most confusing and difficult feelings of the heart so well! im glad you are getting there a teeny tiny step at a time. Winter can be the hardest season to come into when you are feeling lonely. Get through this and you will feel stronger I am sure, embrace the change that fall is bringing you.
Take care
(and gorgeous, gorgeous pictures)

Ashley of Southern (California) Belle said...

I'm glad to hear the your heart is finally on it's way to the healing process. It's really hard, but you're going to feel more independent and happy as an individual rather than being defined by a relationship. You're a strong girl and you'll get through this!



Southern (California) Belle

P.S. You look so cute. You always do though :)

Midwest Muse said...

This blazer is beautiful on you!

CoastWithMe said...

I commend you girl! It's hard to put what you're feeling into words, but you articulated it really well. Plus, it definitely helps with the healing process. Don't rush yourself. It takes time. Let yourself feel these emotions. And like you said before you know it, the pain, anger, and sadness will subside. Glad you're feeling better! I'm your newest follower :)!

S.K. said...

Lauren, I've been reading your blog for just under a year, and have been crying for you to SEE, to know and understand that you can only ever be complete in Jesus. When I saw your post below, 'You Make Me New' I cried because you knew the truth. So many people (and I've noticed this in your blog comments) say that to be truly content you need to 'find yourself' or 'take time out to feel good',when that's actually a twisted lie. It lies because to be truly happy we need to die to self! When we are so in love, so caught up in Jesus, we don't need to feel like we're strong, like we belong. He is our all in all. Only until we can understand that we are nothing and He is everything can we be happy with who we are. Life is to be lived for the glory of God!!!
Maybe the reason that you don't have these feelings any more (and I'm not saying that you never will), is that you know what matters now. That who you are is found in the person of Jesus Christ, and that your anger was selfish pride to make you feel better about yourself.
I'm still learning so much, and I am in no position to judge, but I want you to know that you are loved be the only person who will never let you down.

Jeannee said...

I am going to type this poem out for you, dear girl: it is by Andrea Joy Cohen, MD, and is called "Bow at the Feet of God":
We are all beggars at
the feet of God.

But also His children
clamoring for His Love

His light shining from
the lighthouse of love
Finding us wherever
we are
on course
or lost.

Caught in the rocks of life
sending his lifeboat
to return us to the
right course

Bright, oh so bright
His light
Never a light so bright
has shone on me --

My eyes are almost
blinded by its intensity.
My heart gives off a flame
as if to say
Oh captain, I am
lost, please bring
me back to the
station -send help!

And just like that >
I am back

This is grace

Bow at the feet of God.

Andrea Guzman said...

this is so gorgeous, I love it so much. I like the skirt.


Laura said...

I love this outfit!


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