a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Monday, October 15, 2012

Back ♥

Teal Collar Blouse, Nude Oxfords: Forever21.
Lavender Cardigan, Straw Hat: thrifted.
Cream Ballerina Skirt: c/o OASAP.

Hello there!

I am back in Kent. College sweet college. It was an awful, sickening weekend and I have never been so happy to be back in my home here. I feel like as soon as I stepped into my old town on Friday a dark cloud formed over my head. Not only because of the situation I'm currently in, but just that I really do hate my home town. I was reading back through some of my diary entries from my senior year the other day and I feel so bad for myself. I would constantly write about getting away, getting out from it all, and starting a new life. Being back in Mansfield for the weekend I realized why my younger self wrote so vehemently about leaving. I feel a safeness and ease here and Kent that I never felt before. My old town is filled with sadness, bitterness, closed minds, no freedom of expression, and just judgements. It holds me back and strangles me, leaving me so sad and lifeless. I don't know why it does it, why Kent makes me so happy, but these things just happen. Looking forward to NOT going back for another month until Thanksgiving break. I have a place where I belong and makes me happy right here ♥

This past weekend and especially Saturday made me realize I need a lot of help. I've had friendships end similarly out of the blue, cold turkey before and neither were as heart breaking to get over. I wonder sometimes if I am at the point of progress I need to be, and seeing myself and how I was this weekend made me realize I am certainty not. I have felt crazy these past two months. Literally, mentally crazy and I feel so bad for the people who have to deal with me. Like they have to walk on egg shells and constantly be in fear of hurting my fragile mind and body. I feel terrible for worrying them and frankly, quite embarrassed. Really embarrassed actually. I don't want to be like this. I wish I could move on quickly like he did but I'm realizing that's not the case with me. I want it, I strive for it, but I know that my abilities aren't the things holding me back.

It's my mind. The chemical imbalance and the mental illnesses I fight them, even on medication. A person can only do so much to the point where some things can't be helped and I certainty feel like my mental illnesses are getting in the way of recovery. My mental illnesses, gosh...it makes me so angry to have to type those two words. It makes me so angry that I have to work three times as hard as everyone else just to be happy and normal and be...sane. I'm not to the point of suicidal thoughts like I was this past summer, but I can feel the the dark pathway slowly creeping up to me and reaching its vines around my mind. I don't want to be in that place I was this past summer. It was terrible and I'm better than those thoughts. That's why I've decided to start going to see the on campus counselor to perhaps help me deal with these road blocks my mind isn't letting me get past.

I can say that I am the happiest I've ever been here. Everything I want in life is present at Kent and all my wishes are being satisfied. The one thing that keeps me from happiness though is this situation I'm in and all of this pain I'm going through. Even though I'm not thrilled at have to go to counseling again (I've been in and out since I was 12) I think it's a necessary step to get me going in the right direction, not fall back on dangerous thoughts, and to know I am healing properly on my on accord. I've never gone through a break up, and really no traumatic experience before, so I don't really know what is right or wrong...but maybe with some help of a counselor and, as always, God, I can find that complete happiness I've always longed for and am so close to having.

Thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers, messages, and comments this past weekend and always. You all are so incredible and thank you for putting up with this 'crazy' girl.

With much love, Lauren.


Midwest Muse said...

I love this entire outfit and I'm sorry you have so much on your mind. It's hard being an over thinker. It's hard to get over things when you've never rationalized or dealt with them. It's rough and talking to someone who can both listen and offer sound advice can't be a bad thing. I don't think you're crazy at all (the crazy don't know they're crazy). You've just been dealt a shitty hand of friends and a boyfriend and it's hard to realize it's not you.

Sara said...

You look so beautiful, i love your outfit! and i'm so happy that your happy :D


Jana K said...

You look lovely! Gosh I love that fedora, so cute on you.

I don't think you're crazy at all. I think you've just been through a lot.

Glad you're feeling better, hope it continues!


Alyssa said...

Just know that 1. you aren't alone and 2. you are such a beautiful person, inside and out. Never forget those things!

Unknown said...

I love all the pastels of this outfit - adorable!

So glad that you have found a place that makes you happy. I felt the same way about my hometown too, but after awhile I ended up appreciating certain things. Definitely not the closed-minded attitudes, but other things. Remember that it is okay to have more than one home!


Et tu, tutu? said...

I admire your strength in recognizing that you need help! You are beautiful, inside and out, and you are more than this.


Anonymous said...

just think positive.. Actually, i like your outfit. :) you will be happy.. :)
Irene Wibowo

Katie Burry said...

Gorgeous outfit! That blouse is just the perfect color ever! <3

Also, I am so, so glad to hear that you've decided to go to counseling! It may not be the easiest decision, but I think it'll be really good for you. And you're not crazy, by the way. ;D

One of my best friends in high school had major issues: full on ED, cutting and depression. With the help of counseling and medication she left her eating disorder and cutting behind her for good in just a couple years. :D Then there's my other friend (the one I've told you about) who has non ED/physical harm issues who refuses to go to counseling and four years later is even worse off than she was before. :( It may not be easy, but counseling can really help you get healthy. :D

Also, if it helps you any I was in counseling for several months, myself. :)

Can't wait to skype with you on Wednesday! <3

Unknown said...

Oh! Deary! You're such a strong person and all heartbreaks are difficult sometimes!

You'll get through it stronger than ever. :)

Don't spiral into dark thoughts, I know it's hard sometimes but in the grand scheme of things, it's not worth it!

You have so much blog love and more now after this comment!

You're beautiful, inside and out!

Clara Cheng said...

Love your lavender cardigan <3 You're stronger than others because you faced the fact that you need help. All these things will be a past, and when we look back someday in the future, we will recognize that we have already all grown up! Be happy :)

Jeannee said...

I like what the Midwest Muse has to say, so I say "ditto" and then add this: Lauren, you are on your way! You have advantages even with your struggles and they are (in no particular order): (1) You have a family (2) You know what city you are emotionally comfortable in (3) You have access to healthcare///counseling options (4) You can write! (5) and you have an artists vision, as reflected in how you present yourself to the world!

Unknown said...

I've been off-line for a little while and think I missed a few posts. But I just wanted to say that I still think you are one amazing girl and a very strong person! That's good you are going to counseling. Since I'm married to a trauma psychologist, I am definitely a strong believer in getting help when needed. There is never anything to be ashamed or guilty of... counseling for any kind of problem large or small can be extremely helpful! I'm so glad to see how happy you are in collage... maybe its just what you need in your life at this point! :-) My goodness, listen to me ramble. I am making NO sense. I guess I just wanted to remind you of how beautiful, talented and wonderful you are! You're a really sweet girl and I will always be a big fan of this blog!! :-)

Marie said...

Good for you, and what a gorgeous blue shirt! Lovely.

Marie @
Lemondrop ViNtAge

Kezzie said...

It's so hard isn't it! But you are not crazy- I reiterate everything I said to you in my e-mail and what has gone on recently! Life is hard- God will sustain you, good for you going for counselling x

Anisha said...

I'm so glad and happy for you that you are moving forward and doing everything you can to help yourself be the person you deserve to be. Someone strong and happy and so brave. There will always be those days and moments that feel like a pull-back but if you are strong and determined, nothing will stop you.
You are beautiful and you have so much to live for and I know it's not easy to just take it from a stranger but I'd say the same thing to even my closest friend.
Take care :)

and btw I love your top :)

+Not Just My Allegories+

Teddi said...

lauren, do whatever it takes for you to feel better. i'm sure it will help. you will know when you are on the right track. i bet going back there made you realize how grateful you are to not be there any longer. that there is more, and some light, in a different environment.

friedenlinde said...

Happy to hear that time in college is doing wonders to you. It's like that, missing our hometown and family, but the new place is "the" place to be and to realize ourselves. I left my hometown many years ago to study in another town, and never got back (except for weekends now and then or holidays) and I never regret it. I found my life here, away from the sadness, closed minded people of my own hometown. I wish you all the happiness you deserve, Lauren, you'll see, things will get better and better.

Monika said...

Pastels really suits you, you look adorable but still feminine:)

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