a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Last Rose.

Fat. That’s what I was. Fat. My soft stomach hung disgustingly limp over my x-large jeans and my thighs meshed together into one when I sat. Not only was I fat, but I was ugly. Not the type of ugly people claim to be when they’re trying to be modest about their looks, but truly, undoubtedly ugly. My mousy brown hair always lay frizzy and unkempt, framing my pudgy, acne-infested cheeks. Two unsightly caterpillars framed my dull brown eyes which were hidden behind childish cartoon spectacles. A layer of gossamer hairs lined my upper lip, and my feet were always stumbling in ruddy tennis shoes. My everyday outfit of choice? More or less the same tired-looking uniform, stained cotton crew neck t-shirt devouring my already imposing body, an ill fitting pair of faded blue jeans exposing my fuzzy Christmas socks, and the black zip up hoodie I wore everyday. Washing it was never required.

As I grew older, I began to notice that I wasn’t like the other girls in appearance. All the girls had beautiful, svelte bodies of toned muscle. Their stomachs were flat as washboards and their voluptuous breasts made an alluring contrast to the thinness of the rest of their bodies. Long, lean limbs stretched for miles from their bodies, and dainty feet always dangled at the end. The girls had long, straight locks of golden thread that even Rapunzel would be jealous of, and soft doe eyes artistically enhanced with makeup. However, what I was most envious of wasn’t the bodies or appearance of the other girls. It was their clothes. On their perfect bodies they wore the latest styles of what I saw in fashion magazines. Knitted ponchos and Ugg boots, pleated mini skirts, skinny jeans, prairie skirts, plaid dresses, fancy pea coats… Not only did I long with my soul to have an attractive appearance, but having a beautiful wardrobe remained the one achievement I coveted the most.

However, one restraint held me back: the fear of judgment. My heart yearned to be that beautiful, fashionable girl whom everyone envied. I dreamed about winning best-dressed girl every night before I went to bed, and I prayed to God to make me beautiful- to give me a chance. However, all of the praying in the world couldn’t help me because I was too scared to take the chance. I was too afraid of my classmates judging me and ridiculing me for trying to become something out of nothing.

For years I let myself long to be the girl I dreamed of but did nothing about it. I remained the quiet, unseen, awkward, ugly girl I came to believe I was supposed to be. And then the summer before my eighth grade school year something in me finally snapped. I picked up my first issue of Seventeen Magazine, the ‘new school year new you’ issue. Seeing the inspirational success stories of the other girls made me realize I could be that success story, too. At that moment, I vowed to change myself. To become who I always wanted to be, but had been too scared to try.

Myself. That’s what I am. Myself. Four years of hiding behind insecurities, struggling with self-acceptance, dressing to please others, and doubting who I was… but I can honestly say all of that has shaped me into who I am today. Someone who isn’t afraid to stand up for what she believes and what she wants to wear. Someone who isn’t afraid to admit she’s not perfect and never will be. Someone who isn’t afraid to wear a dress, high heels, and red lipstick every day. Hiding behind nothing for so long made me finally realize that I only have one life to live and one person to be: myself. Nothing is unreachable; nothing is unattainable. As a young girl I never believed that someday I would have my own fashion blog. I never believed that I would study fashion merchandising in college. And I certainly never believed that I could learn to love myself.

I’m still far from ending my journey of being satisfied with myself. Most days I still wake up disliking this part or that part of my body, or looking in the mirror wishing I were some other girl. But then other days? I wake up knowing I wouldn’t change who I am for the world, and those days make all the struggles I’ve fought worthwhile.

*My application essay I submitted for the Fashion Institute of Technology*
With much love, Lauren.


Jessica Celebre said...

Oh, lauren, this is so beautiful and heartwrenching I don't want to spoil it with words. All I can say is that if they don't accept you they're losing one special girl. You're a true inspiration destined to do incredible things.

Hannah said...

Oh my gosh. Lauren. Lauren! If you don't get accepted I will be furious for you. That was so perfect.

I relate to this too. Like I'm not even kidding. There was some parts in which I was like, "Is she writing my life?" The whole, looking awful in eighth grade was me. I had no idea what clothes were. In high school, I knew I had to change that. Granted, I'm still curvy. haha. But I love me. And that's all anyone can ask for. Loving yourself. Flaws and All.
Fashion Merchandising is what I'm looking at too. That or anything in the fashion business world.
Anyways. You're amazing, and you're truly an inspiration to me.
You're actually one of the reasons I started my own blog. I didn't want to leave high school, knowing I didn't push myself to do something I wanted when another high school student was.
I seriously wish you the best of luck, and I know you're going places!

Unknown said...

Amen! I know how you feel. I did exactly the same thing. In middle school I dressed to fit in. Now I dress completely differently than anyone in my entire school. And people like it. Sure some people do ridicule me, but lots of people tell me how brave I am and how they love that I am not afraid to be unique.

Anonymous said...

This application is so emotional and unique, you've gotten the reader to connect within the first sentence. I don't doubt how bright your future will be. :)

Sara said...

wow you seriously write beautifully. i would love to go to fit in NYC, it would be a dream. but sadly i'm not very strong in writing. plus my dad doesn't want to send me somewhere far. You'r so lucky that you have your future planned out while i'm sitting here planning a dreamy college future that's probably not going to happen. Good luck :)

leah jean said...

Lauren, you are beautiful. In every way. I have no doubt that whoever reads your letter will realize it as well. Any school that wouldn't take you, especially after reading that...well, doesn't even deserve to be a school. :)

Em [The Writer] said...

Oh Lauren you are so lovely inside and out <3

Unknown said...

This is a beautiful essay, very heartfelt! I could relate in so many areas! Thank you for posting. I enjoyed it so much!

Jul said...

Oh my, Lauren, I admire you so much. You're so brave for writing this, and submitting it to a fashion institute! I really hope they'll accept you...you're beautiful inside AND outside.
Life is a romantic poem

Elyse (Give Me Bows) said...

Ohh Lauren this was so beautiful (and heart-wrenching) to read, you have such a way with words! You are beautiful <3

Anjali said...

Such a beautiful and heartfelt essay. Thank you for sharing it. I think most women can relate to your story and I wish you the best of luck with you college applications.

P.S. I'm a pretty new follower of your blog :)

Sampada said...

This is so heartfelt! You better be accepted, hahaha, or else the FIT people have no soul. Good luck with everything!


claire said...

this is so beautiful, and if they don't let you in I will be extremely surprised. you are such an amazing writer.

Anonymous said...

<3 this. <3. You're so much wiser than I was at your age! (It took me damn near 30 years to be comfortable in my skin, to love the fact that I had curves and an athletic build, that I had thick hair that sometimes frizzed, that my lips were small but near perfectly formed, etc.). You're a beautiful young woman. Don't change!

Anonymous said...

I'm newer to this blog and just came across this today... Lauren, you are such an unbelievably inspiring person, curves and all...I've always admired the stick-thin, boyish bodies of the girls around me...until I noticed one day that their bodies were, well, boyish! Though I'm not overweight, I have more curves than most of the other girls, and I'm proud of them. I'd much rather look like Marilyn then like Twiggy... ;)
Thanks again for such a beautifully written, inspiring essay/post!

Blogger Template by pipdig