a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Confessions of a Curvy Girl.

1980's Floral Dress: Thrifted.
Black Tights: JcPenny's.
Black Stilettos: Burlington.

Here's an excerpt I wrote on my personal tumblr a few days ago:

"I’m so self-conscious I could burst. My heart aches and yearns at the moment and I curl my lip in disgust at myself. My body has become jiggly and soft. A plethora of pink fatty tissue. I know I shouldn’t hate myself this way, but I can’t help it. I look at myself in the mirror and see the dimples on my thighs. I see the way my arm fat bulges when I turn to the side. I see the way my stomach flops over the tops of my jeans. I don’t want to turn into that girl I used to be. The one who is so insecure that her insecurities get the best of her. I defeated those demons once, and the struggle I won. I feel those demons coming back though. They inch through my unconscious and sneak upon me unexpectedly. It used to be the cause of the girls in my everyday life. I thought them to be the most beautiful and perfect creatures that ever waked this earth. As I have grown older and wiser though it is not these ordinary girls, but imaginary ones. Not quite imaginary, but it’s as though I’ve ever met them. I see them everywhere on the internet. These stick, doe eyed, beauties of Lookbook with their high cheek bones and dainty feet dangling from sky high Litas. Their outfits perfection. Their hypes in the thousands. Their fans hundreds. I long to be them. To be beautiful and unyielding. To be skinny and unstoppable. To be that force to be reckoned with. How can I ever fight these insecurities when I am going right into the pit of it all? The fashion industry. How may I suspect to survive amongst these beautiful angels when I myself am nothing but a talentless troll? I must have faith in God that he will strengthen me. That he will pull me all above the rest and find worth in myself. No one but Him can help me do this. I don’t rely on him enough for guidance and help, and now is the time that I must do so. If I don’t, I know I’ll fall apart all to soon. My insecurities and longings will eat away at my soul and turn me into nothing but a coward. I’d like to think I’m not wholly a coward now, and the last thing I want to do is to turn into one completely. I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to lose myself worth. I’m just tired of fighting this unending battle between myself and my appearance that no one seems to understand."

I can't tell you all how sad it makes me to read this. To read how much at that moment I hated myself and my body. To read how little faith and love I had in myself. It's devastating that I treat myself like this sometimes. I woke up the morning after writing this extremely disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I couldn't believe what I'm always preaching- to love yourself. I vowed to try and reverse the negative damage I had done by wearing this today. A tight, body con dress that shows every curve I have. I don't particularly like dressing like this. I don't like to sexualize myself and wear something so form fitting, but for me it was so important to wear this dress. To help give myself confidence to be proud of the curves and hips that I have and not be afraid or embarrassed by them.

I never thought I would associate myself as being a 'curvy' girl. Growing up I was always the petite, boyish figure because I was super athletic and swam year around... After I quit swimming my freshman year of high school, my body started to fill out and I noticed a lot of changes. I'm not sure if it's was the lack of exercise I got or that I was becoming a teenager, but suddenly my boyish figure turned into a womanly frame. This past fall with my homecoming post it was the moment I truly realized my body had done a 360. When I look at those pictures, I don't see Lauren... I see this super curvy girl with hips... and sometimes it's scary and crazy that this is really me.

I'm still getting used to my new shape and learning to accept it. It's obvious that I still have days where yeah, I'm going to be insecure and I'm wish I was like all of those stick thin girls. I realize I have a long, laborious journey ahead of me to accepting myself and sometimes I feel like I'm just at the beginning. But hey, we all have to start somewhere, don't we?

With much love, Lauren.


Sara said...

you look gorgeous lauren, i don't think you have to be stick thin to be beautiful. and that dress fits you perfectly!


Wild Flower said...

Oh Lauren! I know exactly what you are going through, you're not alone. My thighs don't even fit into Hollister jeans and my stomach doesn't fit into body con dresses. Unlike you miss! You look absolutely darling. I know all the top hypes on lookbook are normally stick girls, but that's not their fault most of the time either. Just have to live with what nature gave us. And I know my boyfriend would be totally sad if my booty was smaller, so that's a plus right? Haha.

It will be okay missy, we'll make it through :)


Jana K said...

Trust me Lauren, I can totally relate with you. You should have seen what I scribbled down in my little diary the other day. All the girls around me seem to have perfect figures while I, not so much. haha.

For the record, I think you are beautiful and your posts are always encouraging.
Love that dress :)

JanandJill.com said...

You definitely shouldn't be so harsh on your bod, you look so gorgeous. I loved looking at these photos. You look gorgeous, like old school hollywood. That dress is stunning on you.


- said...

Curvy, skinny? What does it matter you're beautiful! Its hard to imagine that someone so gorgeous as yourself could think things like that about yourself!

Unknown said...

Your young, so of course your body is filling out - but definitely in all the right places. Sometimes I wish I actually had hips (I have to take in a lot of thrifted skirts and such at the hips because I have none.) You look wonderful in this 80's dress! So womanly and pretty! Plus the colors in the dress are fantastic. Definitely embrace your womanly figure. I'm sure some of those super skinny girls wish they had more curves too. People always want what they don't have!

kate louise. said...

Oh wow, I just took a look at the homecoming post - you are absolutely stunning hun! You know, I get the same feelings. If I wear tighter clothes, I feel so self conscious and I'm constantly pulling at the material around my hips - but omg, if I looked even half as good as you do, I'd have the biggest smile. xoxo

Unknown said...

I think you look lovely! I can relate to your story, thank you for sharing! I think all women are beautiful, it doesn't matter what shape you are. It's a shame that society and media have put such standards on women these days. I LOVE your dress and think it looks fantastic on you!!

Unknown said...

alla i can say is that you're beautiful with thise dress and your hair is really lovely :)


Hannah said...

One thing I've learned is that nobody, even the stick-thin ladies, is ever absolutely pleased. Everybody has their own room for improvement. Looking at those girls and dying to be them is the wrong to do. It's kind of like punishing yourself. Everyone is beautiful. I'm curvier than you, I mean I seriously have a donk, but I've found a way to appreciate my differences. If you ever get to that point, I promise you won't feel this way. There are people who are there to make you feel better, myself included. But self loving starts with you. :)
You are gorgeous. You are. There are girls dying to be you.
Anyways, your outfit is really beautiful.

Jenna said...

I know how you feel!! I used to be boyish and twig like but now I'm "filling out" and its hard adjusting!!!
Have you seen that documentary "Miss Representation"? If you haven't, you have to find a way to go watch it now. It's so freaking amazing.

Melina said...

gorgeous dress ;)

Southern Belle said...

this is one of the most gorgeous dress i have seen on you!! You look beautiful

Zane said...

your dress is amazing, adore the print and the colors

Kezzie said...

You are beautiful. Full stop! (er exclamation mark)

Unknown said...

You look gorgeous in this dress! You have to remember that everyone has days like that, and it's rare that anyone will ever be 100% happy with their body, no matter what their body size or shape is. You're beautiful regardless, and that's what matters :)

Louisejoyb xo | Bits&Bobs

EmilyCinnamon said...

Dear Lauren,
I know how it must feel that your "demons" are coming back. It would scare me too. When I reached 8th grade, I realized that my body was changing and there was nothing that I could do about it. No amount of working out would change that yes, my hips and thighs are bigger. I truly realized this year that not everybody has to be a size 2 to be beautiful. Lauren, you are truly beautiful, and your lovely smiling face just adds to it. This dress fits you like a glove, it looks amazing on you! :)

Hang in there girlie, life is just a roller coaster and your just at the top coming down at the moment.

Love, Emily

Kailey said...

That dress really does look gorgeous on you xo

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