a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Hide And Go Seek For Yourself.

Polka Dot Dress: Forever21.
Red Cardigan: Gabriel Brother's.
Tan Heels: Thrifted.

It's easy for a person to hide behind all sorts of things in life. They can hide behind the past and let it cover up all they wish not to resurface. They can hide behind their best friend so that they're always safe and never lonely. They can hide behind a simple blanket, covering themselves up from the world so no one can see them. And what do I hide behind? Clothes.

For years and years clothing has been a way for me to mask my insecurities and hide them. Four years ago you wouldn't recognize me if you even tried. Self-consciousness flooded my life and insecurities masked my individuality. I found an outlet though that helped me deal with my self-hatred and that was clothing. I began to see that wearing a dress and heels made me feel...pretty. Something I had never felt before. By dressing up, I felt that people would look at the clothing on my body and not my face. They could look at my outfit and think, 'what a beautiful outfit,' because I know they would never think, 'what a beautiful face.'

I got into the nasty habit of dressing ridiculously nice in order to distract away from my insecurities. I used clothing as a way to hide the way I felt about myself. Receiving comments on my outfits at school always felt empty though because it was something I had created and not something I was given to by God. It broke my heart that no one would call me beautiful.

Even though it's been years since I started this nasty habit of hiding myself in my clothes, it's worn off but not entirely. I'm always playing dress up and pretending to be someone else with my outfits because frankly, Lauren isn't good enough. I can't bear to go out of the house in anything but a dress and make up on because it's too hard for me to let people see me so...plain. So ordinary. Even just a month ago I was faced with the unwanted feelings of my early teenage years. I came into work in one of my extravagantly dressy outfits to pick up my check and my coworkers were dumbfounded. They complimented me on how good I looked and went on and on...But for me I just felt empty. I felt like they only thought me to be beautiful when they saw me in beautiful clothing and that in ordinary clothing I was just...ordinary.

I still fight with accepting my face and myself everyday. No matter how many people tell I'm beautiful, pretty, or cute: I won't start believing them until I believe it fully myself. I'm no where close to being fully developed as an individual. I have many imperfections and cracks in my personality that I'm trying to work on, however, it makes me feel incredible though that every step and breath I take makes me that much closer to becoming Lauren. The Lauren who accepts herself, is comfortable with herself, and is always herself.

With much love, Lauren.


Charlotte Cantillon (Crowley) said...

this makes me so, so sad Lauren. You are so, so beautiful. And not in an "everyone is beautiful" way, because that is a huge cop-out. I actually think you are stunning. And I hope Matt tells you that. Because if he doesn't then he isn't good enough for you.
But I can relate. I know I'm pretty, but I don't think I'm hot. In a similar way, I hide behind my clothes because I've always been insecure about my body and feel if I dress nicely no-one will think I'm kinda chubby and notice my short legs and generous thighs. I always hope by having my makeup and clothes nice people can look past my body. I am hopelessly insecure but in the opposite way, dressing nicely really helps me. And I know you say that clothes are something created, not God-given, they are a creative outlet. Your outfits are something you have created and that is a beautiful talent.
I know it doesn't matter hearing it from people across the world on a laptop, but I know when I felt insecure, my ex boyfriend told me to read my blog comments and it really helped. I hope you can find comfort in that.

Charlotte x

Ann Louise said...

I know it's hard for you, but just know that Jesus loves you so much and knows you are so beautiful!
And seriously! You ARE beautiful, and I hope and pray that in time you'll be able to believe that yourself. I'm praying for you, Lauren!


Rachel said...

I know it only matters what you think and how you feel inside, but you should know that the rest of us out here think you are completely gorgeous!! With our without getting dressed up in pretty cltohes :) <3

The Semi Sweet said...

I know how you feel, Lauren. I was the exact same way in highschool and up until maybe a couple of years ago I started feeling like I was pretty and interesting. But just so you know, I think you are super pretty!!

Daly said...

This post is so beautifully written, but it makes me sad! Even if you do not believe it entirely, I think you are EXTREMELY beautiful. You do not need pretty clothes to look pretty, as you truly truly TRULY are.

On another note, I love the button detailing of you dress!



ChelsCheesecake said...

I honestly know exactly how you feel. I've been there and it's not a fun place to be. Don't just accept yourself, love yourself. The reason you have such a loving following here is because you are a beautiful person. Inside and out. There is something special about you that shines through, and someday you will see it yourself. You will see that it's not the clothes they're complimenting, but the clothes looking beautiful on YOU.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. I don't believe anyone when they say I look pretty or beautiful, and that's because I don't see it. But that's not necessarily a bad thing...it makes you human :) I think you are beautiful, and it doesn't matter what you are wearing, or how much make-up you wear. I wish I had your patience to put on make-up every day! I can never be bothered, even though I know I look better. It's like, I know I look better without my glasses, but I hardly ever wear lenses! You do seem close to being happy with yourself...you'll get there, as will I :)

OrigamiGirl said...

Lauren, I looked at these photos and my first thought was 'Wow, she looks so much older than when I first started following and that lipstick is hot.' In fact I then thought 'I wish I could pull lipstick off' but that's another matter! I enjoy this blog, I enjoy reading about you and I enjoy looking at you! You have a popular fashion blog for that reason, people enjoy seeing you, not just your outifts. I think you look beautiful. Your style is part of that. As someone else said, putting those outfits together and making your style is a form of creativity. Oh and if anyone looks hot waitressing that's a great achievement. When I did it I was stressed and too warm, wearing a uniform that didn't suit me and covered in coffee stains! It's hard to look your best when you are working.

Becky Milkbubbletea said...

such a lovely blog now following! It's so nice to read something real for once, what you've written is pure raw feelings and emotion i love it and i can totally relate to it! You seem like a lovely girl cant wait to read more of your posts! p.s what style! gorgeous girly xxx

Jason Laucht said...

beautiful dress!! <3

Unknown said...

hi Lauren!
Long Time!
I had to pop in after reading your heartfelt entry.
Throughout most of my life, i have felt downright ugly and no one could, nor still can tell me how to feel.
I still know i am not in the universal 'beautiful' column, and still usually need someone to tell me, or let's say, remind me, that i am lovely.
Self-esteem usually comes in spurts for most, and when they do come, i ride them for all their worth!
Age has helped me look back and say to myself, Hey, I really was a pretty young girl! What was I so stuck on feeling ugly for?
I guess that today, i can will use the quote that 'I no longer see myself as perfect, but have decided to look beyond the imperfections'.
It is true, no one can make you feel pretty, and i could shout it from the roof-tops, but you must find your path to seeing your own beauty.
An exercise i have used is to look in the mirror and say aloud, I like my ........
It works :)
Love and kisses!

Lady Amalthea said...

Everyone has self confidence issues, the only thing that will make it easier, is to try and take these compliments people tell you and accept them. You don't have to believe them, just know that when people compliment you they are saying it in a sincere manner. You're beautiful! Hopefully one day you'll see what everyone else sees.

Stacey Kay said...

You always have the most beautifully written, heartfelt posts. Keep being the beautiful person that you are and eventually you will feel it. Sometimes it just takes a little while to "grow into" yourself.

This dress. Oh this dress. It is absolutely to die for.

Goodwill Huntingg

Amber Schmidt said...

Lauren, I can relate to what you are going through.

In my first two years of high school, I was the chubby girl with the gap-teeth that people were nice to out of pity. Those things stick, and even though I'm not that person anymore, sometimes I have trouble believing people when they say 'you're pretty', etc. A lot of it feels like formality.

I can say this for fact- it gets better. I read somewhere that we are much better looking than we view ourselves, that we as humans have a somewhat skewed self image. It is my opinion that you are really a lovely, lovely girl and that your beauty is only surpassed by your heart.


Wild Flower said...

Oh I have this dress, I love that we have so many of the same things, great minds think alike right? I love you in bright red lipstick too, so freaking pretty girl! And it's so inspiring how you've beat your insecurities, I need to work on that. Maybe I can be as good as you one day? :)


Laura said...

You are beautiful and you are young so you have time to come to terms with who you are. I was a very self-conscious teenager and was never happy with myself but at almost 22 I think I have come to accept me and I am now so much happier (I also think finding the love of my life helped!)


Anonymous said...

i absolutely love this outfit it is so darling! :)

Anonymous said...

I too struggle with self confidence but more than that, I struggle with self worth. I'm glad I ran across this post- it made me feel less alone. Regardless of how many times you hear it & don't belive it, you are beautiful!

Glamanatti said...

wow this is really nice!

JMiller said...

I think everyone struggles with self image at some point in their lives, but what you are doing with this blog/diary has to be some sort of help, right? Rather than keeping your feelings bottled inside, you get to write beautifully about them and then try to face them head on. It's encouraging to read and I hope that eventually you will love yourself as much as people love you based and your blog. Keep your chin up and keep doing what you're doing.

Maybe going away to college will help you find yourself too.. just a thought!

Jen :)


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