a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Friday, January 4, 2013

Type, Untype.

Dress: Modcloth.
Navy Sweater, Hair Bow, Tapestry Purse: Thrifted.
Bow Belt: Forever21.
Loafers: c/o Pink and Pepper.

I've thought about what I've wanted to say for the past few days. Typing then untyping. Typing then untyping. Nothing ever seems right. The right way to say this. There really isn't a right way to say it I suppose.  No words will ever comprehend.

My New Year's Resolution was to forgive Matt and I meant that. I knew the first step I wanted to take was to contact him; something I hadn't done in four months. I got up the courage to text him on New Year's Day, my hands shaking and my mind racing. This was the moment I had thought about every single day for months. I wanted to get together before I left back for Kent. I wanted to talk.

And he tells me he's engaged. 

Just the night before. The boy I was just dating five months ago is engaged. I felt like I had been hit by a train in every sense of the phrase. The world spun around me and I felt like I was going to be sick. The tears wouldn't come, instead it was all I could do to even keep standing. He is engaged.

I ran to my mom, everything feeling like a nightmare, the one thing I could have never expected yet it was my worst fear. I collapsed into her arms and sobbed with every ounce of my body, a sob I haven't done in months. I gasped for air and screamed over and over again, "no, no, no..." But it's all real.

No one can comprehend what I feel for this boy. It's the kind of love without being in love that you have for your best friends. Expect mine wasn't a girl, he's a boy. He was my pretty much my only friend for five years. My best friend, the one who knows me better than anyone on this earth. The one I shared so much with and it has killed me to be away from for four months. I would do anything for him. Anything to protect him, to not see him get hurt and ruin his life. Anything.

I don't hurt for me but more for him. That he's making the biggest mistake of his life and I just get to sit by and watch him crash and burn. Do you know how hard that is to watch the one you love destroy themself? It's like watching your best friend stick a needle of heroin into their arm and not stopping it. I don't care if I have to take all the pain in the world; I would take it all for him just not to do this to himself.

 I've done a complete 360 degrees right back to the beginning of college. It's hard to eat because my stomach churns so much with absolute hurt and I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking. Just when I was better, just when I was ready to accept and forgive and begin again I get completely slapped down even harder than before.

This post isn't about hating him. It's not about bashing him and encouraging you all to call him a %$#@*&! in the comments (please don't, it will be deleted). It's about you all knowing why I might be feeling upset or down. Because you've helped get me through the first five months of heart break and I am forever appreciative and it felt wrong to hide this because it's such a piece of monumental news in my life I will never, ever forget.

Love the people in your life while you can. How they are, how everything is. I wish he would know, I wish I could show him how much love I have for him. That he could comprehend...don't make the same mistakes I did and not show it enough and take advantage of it before it's too late. Because someday, you may just have to keep the people you love in your heart and not in your life.

With much love, Lauren.


overthinker said...

Eveything will be ok :)
2013 will be your year and you will find someone that special again.

Unknown said...

very cute! I love how you turned this summer dress into winter wearable!


Carlee, Little Sloth said...

That must have been so hard and really shocking news. I hope everything turns around soon. It'll get easier.
Almost Endearing

Unknown said...

Lauren, I'm sorry you had to receive such hard news. That is really difficult to find out. I hope this year is a better year for you. I love what you said about loving the people in your life while you can. I made the mistake of not loving some people as much I should have last year and I want this year to be different. Know that God will help you through the pain and hurt. It will take time, but God will bring healing. Praying for you, Lauren.
Love in Christ,

Dede said...

lovely Lauren,

I'm so sorry to hear that! I can't imagine how you must feel right now, but o boy, reading this makes me feel sad and I'm even kind of worried when you write that you feel exactly the same way as in the beginning of this difficult time! It is not fair that you have to go through all that again.

I'm thinking of you and wish that you can find the time, support and love to heal.


Jen said...

First things first, you're gorgeous! You remind me of snow white in these pictures!

secondly- It's very sad news. You've been in such a good place for so long and you were even ready to forgive all the shady things that he did to you. Now to hear that he's engaged, just when you were ready to forgive can understandably feel crushing. You were finally ready to move on and he already had moved far beyond 'on.' But honestly, it will take time, and it will hurt, but you will make it. You're strong and being away at college has made you so much more confident, you have these special friends that you've met. Talk with them. I'm sure they'll understand and be there for when you need a shoulder and an ear.

I hope things get better for you. Stay strong.

Livia Rachelle said...

You look very lovely. I think your makeup and hair is the most flattering I have seen it. The dress is soooo elegant.

Mary said...

One of my favorite analogies to tell my clients is that life is like a spiral-- you are constantly moving up, sometimes it may feel like you are in the same place again, but you are just hovering over the spot you were before. You have a whole 'coil' of experience between where you are now and where you were then. No one can take the last five healing months away from you, they've taught you things about yourself and how to heal, and it will e okay again

Teddi said...

wise words lauren. it's true, that just when we think we are healing from something that life will surprise us with something else. just know you will endure.

Et tu, tutu? said...

If you can heal once, you can heal again. Wishing you peace and strength, pretty lady. You deserve to be happy!


Camille said...

I'm so sorry Lauren that you had to hear this news. I really feel for you and I wish that I could give you a great big hug!!!! Just remember that it gets better. You made it through heartache and I just know that you can do it again. You are a strong girl!


Britney @ Scout and Company said...

OH Lauren! I feel so sad for you. Its such a strange and terrible thing for you to find out. I mean, I just don't understand and I know you will be feeling this ten fold. I am so so sorry Lauren.

2013 will be amazing for us. I just know! Things will get better :) So so much better :)

AND the good news is that your parcel is on the way!! FINALLY! That is a little sunshine for you even though it'll arrive when you are back at college.

All the best Lauren,
Talk soon.
Britney :)

Unknown said...

you look so amazing dear, as usual.

I sent you an email, and I can only hope that it can offer some small comfort.

Thinking and praying for you!


Unknown said...

Everything will turn out okay! I like what you said at the end about people being in your heart versus your life. I think that's completely true in some cases. Everyone has their own place in the world..and that means in the world of others, too.

I hope this news gets easier and easier to deal with and understand. I've never been in a serious relationship before, but I know that you are strong and can persevere!

I also love your dress in this outfit!

xo, gina

Jeannee said...

Ah (((LAUREN)))! There are some things that are immediately racing across my mind when I read this: how crass it is considered to tell someone something like that by text///at least she found out that way, instead of in the newspaper or even worse! running into them!!!...DO NOT let this ruin ur forward progress! Its almost as if -when u got emotionally & spiritually ready for forgiveness - another test was added on it - I've always despised such tests myself, but they do happen ((LAUREN)))!!! ... I actually do know the emotion u r talking about and - how weird is this?! as I type this out it is Jan 5th, which is the birthday of a previous fiancee - shades of the relationship u described herein ... I shall pray +

Jeannee said...

Ah (((LAUREN)))! There are some things that are immediately racing across my mind when I read this: how crass it is considered to tell someone something like that by text///at least she found out that way, instead of in the newspaper or even worse! running into them!!!...DO NOT let this ruin ur forward progress! Its almost as if -when u got emotionally & spiritually ready for forgiveness - another test was added on it - I've always despised such tests myself, but they do happen ((LAUREN)))!!! ... I actually do know the emotion u r talking about and - how weird is this?! as I type this out it is Jan 5th, which is the birthday of a previous fiancee - shades of the relationship u described herein ... I shall pray +

Anonymous said...

Oh my God. You're kidding. When I read it, I was honestly so shocked, so I can't even imagine how you felt. Why? Why? WHY? Why is he doing this to himself. Ok, I wish he'll be happy and all this, but seriously now? It's not gonna last, he's too young and immature. Gosh. Lauren, just leave it behind you. Mourn for it, cry and cry and then cry some more, but it's just not worth it. Maybe he seems to be the one and only, but as a third person, I can say that you need a much better person to stand on your side and support you. I don't like Matt, this is my personal opinion, I just hate the way he keeps hurting you all the time. I wish that 2013 will be the year you will find another prince. I love you so much <3

Ellie Balangue said...

Gorgeous as always. To be honest, seeing your photos doesn't really tell exactly what you're going through. But looking at these photos I see a strong person. You've been through a lot, I really don't know exactly how it feels, but I know you're hurt. And it makes me even sad that its just keep on coming on you. You've been through a lot and you've conquered it, I know this is much more than that but I'm still hoping for the best for you. I don't know what really happens to the both of you but reading this and from the past post I think you deserve someone else someone who could return such love you're giving. I know, this is so easy to tell but hard to do. But in time, I know in God's perfect time, as I always say to myself, everything will be alright in His time. Just believe and have faith. I know you'll get through all of this. Hang-on to people who loves you who will give you support and strength, your family. And I'm always here for you. You've been my favorite blogger and blog ever since, you've motivated me and still so until now. You're my inspiration.


Sofi Moukidou said...

omg! so lovely outfit!
you look amazing as allways!

Erin said...

you are a beautiful and Christ filled girl who will make it past this... keeping you in my prayers

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you, and I hope that you are able to pick back up and keep going. I know what it is to have heartache and love and not have anything to do with them. But you can do something with them. Spend all of this love on others. It truly does ease the pain, although not at first.
Stay strong, Lady.

OrigamiGirl said...

Hey Lauren. Firstly, you look gorgeous in these pictures. Your hair is incredible and I wish I knew how to make my hair anything like that.

Secondly, I am really sorry about the situation with Matt. I know the pain of having someone you loved get with a new person immediately afterwards - but engagement is a whole other story. It's obviously a terrible thing on many levels, but don't let it ruin your university experience. All the things that you love about it are still there. You still like your course, the campus and your friends so continue taking joy out of them! Take one moment at a time. I hope that your college friends are a good support network. I hope that things get better for you.

K. Elise said...

I just found your blog and have to say that I'm really inspired by it.
More than anything your character is admirable. I can tell you're a great person..
Stay strong, hope you feel better.


Unknown said...

Wow Lauren. I have posted before about how similar my last relationship was to this, and I have to say it again! My ex also became engaged in a short amount of time to the girl he cheated on me with. Let me tell you this, when you find someone that is even better than him you won't care anymore. You will know that you are happier and better off without him. That is how it happened for me.

Miki said...

Oh, Lauren, this is the first post I read in your blog. I'm so sorry you had to go through this :/, but hope everything works out for the better.

You have an adorable blog, by the way! ;)

Hope you have an amazing 2013! ;D


Bridget Kelly said...

darling, I love your forward thinking in terms of so many aspects of your life. Your career mindset, your productivity and willingness to take steps forward for your future happiness.
That being said, I have to be honest with you:
While I know that you love Matt, I think you're a little...self entitled, in your opinion of his engagement. I know, it's soon...But you need to look at this for what it is: (him being, or thinking he is, happy) and what it is not: (his being malicious and happy in spite of you). Consider that it's not really your place to say that he's ruining his life. Why should we hurt for someone who thinks he's happy? What if Matt could read this? If I were him, I'd be so hurt, that you claim to love him, yet you allow his decisions to be displayed and ridiculed for how 'soon' and 'rash' and 'foolish' YOU think it is, publicly, to the internet. My dear, you're at school, where you are forging your career, your new life. Stop thinking about Matt. Stop talking to him. You need to think forward, and mulling over a past love with an attitude of self-entitlement is getting you bass-akward and belly up.
There will be other people. Other men. Other best friends. People will come into your life and turn you upside down with love and truth and the complexity of human emotion. Don't let yourself believe that he is your whole world. Don't allow yourself to believe any one person is your whole world, save for any children you might have. The world is too big and great to be full of just one person, who you met in high school, that you are meant to hold forever.
Be happy for him, even though it hurts. He's happy. And frankly, this engagement could dissolve into the Aether, but the point that I'm making is that he will get engaged again, and unless you step forward, Truly forward, and to a place where you can distance yourself from thinking you know what's best in his life, this situation, and this pain, will happen again. And you're better than this. I know it.
Lauren, I respect and admire you in so many ways. You're bright, hard-working and true. I say everything here with the utmost love and friendship towards you.
I hope you see that.
Love, Bridget.

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