a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Monday, December 19, 2011


This morning started out like any other normal day. My dad woke me up for school and I begrudgingly rolled out of bed as late as I possibly could. I brushed my teeth, put on my outfit, and tossed my hair into a high bun. My makeup took extra long for some reason this morning, I couldn't get my cat eye just right. After about fifteen minutes and running late (like always), I went downstairs to grab a pop tart. I came down just at the exact moment. Just at the exact time. To watch my sister throw up.

OCD has been a part of my life for quite a few years now. It's been a demon that many times I've been unable to control, and it's taken over my life with greedy pleasure. Long time followers of my blog know my struggles with my extreme fear of throwing up, and the precautions I take to prevent doing it, seeing it, hearing it, or even talking about it. It's been many years since I've seen someone throw up. And now today I turn back the count to 0.

I ran up to my parents room with tears running down my face and in hystyerics. I slammed the door shut and buried myself underneath the covers, quivering and repeating prayers over and over again. I replayed the images over and over again in my mind without wanting to, but the incessant horror movie wouldn't stop. I wouldn't let anyone come in the room or touch me for fear of contamination. I refused to go downstairs until my little sister was gone. The little sister I love deeply, but a silly fear kept me from being within 30 feet of her. Eventually after awhile I left my safe haven to go to school much too late. I knew I couldn't hide out forever, even though all I wanted to do was bury myself in covers and sob all day. So with a scarf tied tightly around my face and holding my breath, I slipped out the back door, refusing to go through the front where my sister had gotten sick near.

I spent all day in a fit of worry. What if I was sick right now? What if I was going to be sick later? What if...what if..what if...? I longed to stay at school all day, but I knew eventually I would have to go home. The place where I always found myself safe from the outside world, but now was a site of contamination for me. Upon arriving home I sat in my car for fifteen minutes working up the gumption to go inside. When I finally did, I opened the front door, ran upstairs with my eyes closed holding my breath. As I stormed into my room I gasped for air and closed the door air pocket tight. I soaked my self for an hour getting rid of the 'germs' that probably weren't even there. I hardly ate super, but every bite I ate in fear. Fear of seeing it again. I ventured out only for fifteen minutes for dinner and then it was back to my heaven. My room. Here I was quarantined for the rest of tonight.

Today has been hell. My gosh it has. All of this may sound so silly to you. So incredibly silly to be so scared of being sick. But to me it's not silly. It's a worst nightmare come true. I feel like my whole world is crashing down and I feel confined to the small quarters of my room forever, too afraid to leave. I don't blame you all for finding me pathetic. I find myself so lowly, pathetic,stupid, and helpless. I know I must leave. I know I am being silly, and a baby, and I'm letting the demons win. But I just can't. I just can't face my fear of getting sick. I just can't get the image of my sister getting sick this morning, and that happening to me. It's the ugliest, most awful and terrible thing I can imagine at this point. And it's just throwing up.

Times like these I rest in God and Him to help me. To give me guidance and strength to fight this and get well again. To not shrink back to the dark times I used to have. The ones even darker than today. I rest in Him to regain my sanity and ability to think straight. To be okay, the one thing in the world that I pray for every night, "Dear lord, just let me be okay." I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of living in fear and worry. I just want to sleep soundly and peacefully tonight, but I know I won't. The devil and his minions shall keep me up tonight, but I know that God will always keep me company. Always ❤

Stay healthy for me lovelies,
With much love, Lauren.


Sara said...

awww lauren your going to be okay, trust me on this one. your stronger than you think.

The Semi Sweet said...

I can't imagine how horrible this is for you. I mean, its not like your OCD trigger is something that you can be exposed to you on cue from a psychiatrist. I feel for you. You'll start feeling better in a few days. Just keep in mind things that will help you get through this and tomorrow will be a new day. Hugs :)

claire said...

aww I can only imagine just how terrifying that was. I don't find you pathetic at all, and maybe it's because I know exactly how you feel. hope tomorrow is a better day <3

Mila said...

Oh Lauren, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I know how you feel, even though I am not so severely hurt by things like this happened, even just reading this post made me nervous and scared of getting sick. Your going to be all right though, and just tell yourself it's hardly even possible for you to get sick now. Tomorrow will be better, I promise. You're going to be all right. <3


- said...

Oh Lauren, you'll get though this. You're so brave and I look up to you so much! I suffer from some similar issues since I do have OCD and manic depression. It gets better I assure you, I'm praying for you girl! <3

Unknown said...

Stay healthy and be safe! You aren't silly!! I'll be praying that you don't get sick!

Anonymous said...

Ah love, it's all good! For what it's worth, I'm in a similar boat. I'm a "sympathetic hurler"... when ever I see, hear, or smell vomit, I vomit too. It's awful and makes me cry every single time it happens. So no worries, love. While your fear may seem silly to some, it's not to you. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

I've had what you have, emetophobia, for two years and it was just hell. You are NOT silly, pathetic or anything like that, you have a disorder and it's so so difficult. I hope you recover soon from this.

Lots of hugs to you, and God bless you!

Fernanda said...

Lauren, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I can't imagine what you're going through, but all I can say is it will get better! You're exceptionally strong and everything will be okay in time. You'll be in my prayers. XOXO


Maria Elyse said...

I can relate, thought not in the same way, but I can relate nonetheless. Lauren, you're not silly. At all. I promise you that God can and will get you through this. He's helping you win against your fears. It may not be over today, but with each day you get closer to winning forever. Take things one day at a time. He loves you so much and doesn't want you to live in this fear. He's holding your hand and guiding you away from it. Perhaps slowly, but very surely. Praying for you, dear. ♥

Maria Elyse
First Impressions
Flying Ships Vintage

Em [The Writer] said...

Oh that sounds awful! Hope you're feeling better dear!

EmilyCinnamon said...

Ohmigoodness! I'm so incredibly sorry this happened to you, I'm sorry that you feel this way, things will get better, I promise! God always comes to one's aid when they need it the most. Keep your head up girl! Your stronger than you think!:) <3

Sian Thomas said...

I have this problem too, it's awful =( Every single time I feel just a little bit ill, even if it's just a cold I am terrified I'm going to be sick. I end up in a complete state of panic: crying, hyperventilating, heart palpitations... I know exactly how you feel and it's horrible. I always think how silly it must seem to other people, but to us it's a real fear and I have no idea why! The one time I've got sick in the last few years I cried and cried and cried. I was by myself at uni and I phoned my boyfriend and my mum and just cried to them. It got so bad at one point I avoided certain foods because they made me feel sick one time, but I managed to get over that a bit, but I have a phobia of drinking any alcohol now in case it makes me sick =(
Just remember that it's not silly to feel this way, other people feel like this too.

Bree said...

I'm sorry this is so late,but I didn't check my dashboard and had clicked on your last outfit post(cause I love your blog and read each and every post) and read that you had a lot of comments on this one. I read through it and thought "Wow. I can't believe someone out there actually knows what I feel." I've had this problem as long as I can remember. I also have OCD.
Reading through your blog,I can't believe how much I can relate to you! Thinking about it helps me get through the day sometimes, knowing someone else has gone through it and lived *and* is a beautiful,young,intelligent lady! :)

Kezzie said...

Lauren, I am so sorry that this has happened and that these feelings are sooo strong. But you are trusting in God and that is the main thing- that you know he is your strength and protection. I can understand this phobia, I really can. I don't have a phobia,but I have had an absolute horror of throwing up since I was young and had salmonella. I just run if anyone is sick, can smell it at all. I can't deal with it in my classroom. I just have to fetch someone else to deal with it. I have learnt to control any feelings of queasiness.
Don't think that you are weird but you are giving it up to God and he will help you! xx

Blogger Template by pipdig