a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Sunday, May 20, 2018

I'm Still Here

Hey, remember me? I'm still here. Much the same as when I last wrote to you in November of 2016. Some things have changed, of course, but it feels almost like no time has passed at all.

I stopped blogging never because I wanted to, but because I had so much going on in my life at the time. When I last left you, I was starting a new job here in New York City as a social media coordinator for an incredible company. I felt like my life was finally coming together, and everything I had worked so hard for in school for four years and during those first 6 months after moving to the city had finally paid off. All I'd ever wanted was to make doing what I loved (social media) my full-time job -- it finally was. 

Over this last year and a half, I've grown so much personally and professionally, and it makes me sad that all of those small changes weren't documented on this blog. I learned how to be tough, even when I'm inherently not; how to stand up for myself, even when I feel weak; how to push myself to the limit; even when I didn't know I could go that far. 

Coming back to blogging has been on my mind for awhile now. I've continued to still take outfit photos and post them over on Instagram, but I still missed having a space where I could really open up. A part of me has been scared to get back to blogging because I feel so out of touch with this world. I'm no longer 16 and can write with angst about my life struggles. I'm nearly 25 now, and I want this space to evolve with me as I mature. I'm just not sure how. 

I decided to come back though, despite not knowing the right way to go about all of this, because of a huge life change. I've always depended on my intuition to lead me through the choices in my life. I know that may sound silly to some of you who are logical thinkers, but I just can't shake the feeling of knowing deep down what's right. I've felt it at the big turning points in my life -- when I decided I wanted to go to school at Kent State; when I decided to take an internship in New York City; when I decided to move to New York City. Something in my gut for all of these huge life changes told me "Go, you must go for this. It's who you are and what you want and you'll regret it if you don't." I can't put my finger on the feeling, and it's not something I feel for every decision I need to make. 

I've felt this pull at my intuition for a few months now, and I tried pushing it away and thinking logically because well, I'm an adult now. Adults don't just make rash, risky decisions. I spoke with family and friends trying to get their opinions, hoping some down to earth advice would pull me back off the edge. Their words would placate my wandering mind for a little bit, but I just kept coming back to these thoughts and these wishes for myself. If not now, when?

Something to know about me is that I often feel deep regret with my life. I'm constantly wishing I had done things different in my past that may have been uncomfortable at the time, but maybe now would have been worth it. Change is so terrifying to me, that I'll do everything to avoid it. Even calculated risks are often paralyzing to me. I knew though I didn't want to feel the familiar regret about not making the choice to pursue this side of myself. 

Around 3 weeks ago, I made the decision to leave my full-time job. It's still shocking to me, and my last day was this past Friday. Tomorrow will be my first official day un-employed. I loved my job in social media and the company I worked for, but something still felt missing. I started to find myself wishing for the weekends because I knew I would be able to take outfit photos, read fashion magazines, and go thrifting for new treasures. As much as I tried to be reasonable with myself to continue with my job, I knew there were other things out there to fulfill my love for fashion in a way this position couldn't at this point in my life. I didn't move from my small town life in Ohio to New York City to settle. I want go for my wildest dreams whether that's doing social for a fashion brand, selling vintage part time, getting back blogging -- I don't know what it will be yet.

I have so many conflicting feelings about still doing what is right (you need a job right now to survive, take anything!), and doing what I actually want to do (take your time, figure it out & wait for the right thing to come). I made sure to save up money so I could be financially stable enough to take the time to explore my options, but I still wake up every day though with fear in my heart about what's to come. I'm either really brave or really stupid -- not sure which yet. 

The only thing I do know is I want to do something that gives me purpose & makes me feel fulfilled. 

With much love,


outfit details: top thrifted | skirt zara | shoes thrifted | beret thrifted



Carlee, Little Sloth said...

Wishing you all the best with your decisions. I am glad you are writing here again!

Anonymous said...

Hello Lauren,

It is interesting how I came across your blog this mourning. I was searching for the lyrics to a Goo Goo Dollls song and you had an old blog post with a title from those lyrics. Your gift of being able to express the deeper parts of yourself so well is what led me to read your most recent post.

Sometimes when we are in these places doing what we know we "need" to, like getting a job to make it, can only prolong the inevitable reality that we will just come back to this place again in the future. Sometimes it can be best to brave it out and suffer a bit to try to find out what that next step should be.

Our society tells us that going to school and getting a job is what will make us who we are. For instance, when you meet someone new, they will usually ask what you do for work. It is imbetted in our American brains to think this way. You will rarely come across another person who will ask you the real question. Who are you should be the question that is asked because it goes past the surface. It ask what qualities make the person who they are because it is those qualities that indeed make us who we are. It is not the job we perform.

Hello Lauren, who are you? What would you like to do with those qualities that you have? What is it deep down inside that you really want to do? Do you think that would make you fullfilled? Would it help others in some way or another? If you have a relationship with Christ, would it please Him? If you do not have a relationship with Christ, have you thought about the fullfillment that would bring?

Take care

Silwiniel said...

Dear Lauren, I'm so happy you are back! I've been missing your blog posts. These photos are so beautiful! It's normal to feel confused sometimes, just take your time and do what you really love! I wish you all the best!

Christina Storey said...

Lauren, It's so weird - I've followed your blog and Instagram for years and I've taken a step away from blogging for the past few years (due to university) and am now slowly thinking of returning! Good for you on doing what you feel is right, I hope it works out for you girl! Christina xx

Sammi said...

I'm very glad to see you posting here again! Sometimes we need to readjust our priorities, but the wonderful thing is that this platform is always here when you need to sort something out, want to connect with others, or feel a bursting need to share something. What you did takes a lot of courage and it sounds like you listened to your intuition, even if you worry that it's a mistake. It could be -- but it could also give you the permission to (like you said) pursue your wildest dreams. You'll never know if you don't try. I don't like risks, by nature, but growing up and changing in any way goes hand-in-hand with risk-taking. If nothing else, you'll learn even more about yourself -- and ultimately, I think truly knowing one's self is one of life's great gifts. Wishing you all the best of luck with whatever you decide to do and sending you a great big hug.

Romina Santana said...

I'm very happy you are posting here again :) You are one of the few fashion bloggers who I enjoy reading, specially because your posts are about your own feelings, not only fashion, and are very down to earth. I can defineteyl relate to your situation, I have been recently fired from my job, and being unemployed is not easy! If you have some savings maybe you should consider taking some days off to clear your mind and decide your next step.
Good luck with everything! Rest assured you are not the only one trying to figure things out!

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