a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Unconventional Love.

Turtleneck Knit Dress (very similar): Pull & Bear.
Black Heels (similar): Payless.
Earrings (similar): Thrifted.
Kendra Scott Necklace: borrowed c/o Rocksbox. 

For whatever reason, I was thinking about my past relationships the other day. I've had two, and both have been documented here on the blog. One lasted five years and I was very public about. The other lasted one day short of a year and I was very private about. Both of them failed miserably.

I never miss these guys or really even think about them to be honest, but something really unsettled me when I was reliving the ups and downs of those relationships in my mind: I was so unhappy in both of them. That realization made me incredibly sad. I've always been ten times happier outside of a relationship rather than inside of it.

Maybe I dated the wrong guys. Maybe I just can't do relationships. Maybe the timing wasn't right in my life. I'm not sure, really. But I've been wondering why I've been so jaded and cynical about love and relationships and I've found it's because that all I've ever known in my own is misery. Of course I wouldn't be able to see how "great, miraculous, and special" relationships are. 

I know one of my biggest problems lies in the fact that I change to fit the mold I want these guys to see me in. It's somewhat perplexing, because being an INFJ, a highly sensitive person, and also a Leo; these are all personality indicators of being highly sure of who you are within the world. And I would really say 99% of the time I am! But this character flaw exists in me that every time I enter in a relationship, I just lose myself in this game of trying to constantly shove down the difficult parts of who I am (and trust me, there are lots), that I transform into this person who doesn't even look like me anyone. No wonder I'm always so unhappy. I twist and tweak and try to shove myself into this little peg hole of an ideal that a good relationship is one thing: when in reality, good relationships can be done in a lot of different ways. 

It's somewhat a scary problem to have because how can you fix your problem of being a personality shifter in relationships without being in a relationship? I'm certainty not going to enter into a relationship just to improve a major character flaw in myself! I've found that I am so scared of this happening again and being miserable, that any kind of relationship with any sort of man sounds just horrible. It's like I am immune to emotions and developing feelings for people. My brain now associates those sort of things with a downward spiral of losing myself, so it's conditioned my emotions to not desire anything like it at all.

It's a weird place I'm in right now, but I always seem to be in some weird place and I always seem to figure it out somehow. I've never really been a conventional type of person, and I think I've definitely been putting myself in conventional types of relationships. My next one, I know, will not be as conventional and maybe that's okay because perhaps that's what will work for me best. I'm going to take my time and truly enjoy this desire I have for singlehood because that in itself is a beautiful thing to enjoy and revel in. For many people, singlehood is an incredibly short period of time in the span of their life before the rest is spent with someone else. I don't want to look back someday and regret seeing my past self trying to shove herself into meaningless relationships just to prove something to herself or others. I'd want to be older and much wiser and appreciate that at this stage in my life, I did what's right for me and allowed myself to be gloriously selfish; as you can be when being on your own with no one by your side yet. 

Anyways, off to take a relaxing bath & light some candles to soak and ponder more of my existence far more than a 22 year old should, ha. Love you all-- thanks so much for reading this. x

With much love, Lauren.


Lauren said...

:OO I'm INFJ too omg just when I thought I couldn't love you any more.

Unknown said...

Beautiful dear!:) xx

Madison said...

I always love how open and honest you are here on the blog, about life and relationships. It is so refreshing to read a post by someone and see the transparency but the truth in the words:) Thank you for that!
If you are someone who likes reading books on life I would highly suggest "The New Lady In Waiting" by Jackie Kendall....all about embracing the years being single and avoiding the "Bozos" of the world! Totally worth the read:)

Isabella said...

It's amazing to read your blog over the years and watch how you have matured as well as your style. You're really brave to post so many personal thoughts, experiences, and feelings on here. It's really admirable.


Kezzie said...

You are wise to wait and not fling yourself into something. You are wise enough to know yourself.x

Kay said...

I'm an INFP and a Leo...and yeah, sigh, relationships...not easy. I have an INTJ friend who just found his soul mate and he's 44. Js are good at waiting, but it's just super hard no matter what. I just wanted to say that...and that you look SUPER SOPHISTICATED, I love your look. I'm surprised men aren't literally at your feet, girl. Just love yourself as fully as you can, don't hide, and you will attract the right one. *warm smile*

Anonymous said...

Lauren, just by reading your blog I had a strong hunch you were an INFJ, for so often I feel like I'm reading about myself, also an INFJ. I think, as INFJs, we have a difficult time in relationships because, first of all, we have the rarest personality type (or so I've read), so it's hard for most people to "get" us; and, secondly, as you pointed out, we don't like compromising who we are, just so others will accept/understand us better. When we do end up compromising who we are, it never feels right.

I too have struggled in relationships with men, and now in my 30s, am still single. Almost all my previous relationships ended because either I ended them myself, due to my discomfort, or because I refused to compromise my convictions and who I am and the guy dumped me. Although being single at my age isn't easy, I definitely prefer it to being in a wrong relationship. I know who I am and I know what I want in a guy now, and I know I'd never be happy with a man who doesn't love me completely and share my passions in life.

So, my advice to you is embrace your current singleness, and wait for God to bring you the man who will love you just the way you are. Because who you are is unique, beautiful, and worthy of being treasured, and a guy who doesn't see that isn't worth your time. It doesn't mean you'll be single into your 30s like me, but it does mean you'll spare yourself a lot of unnecessary pain.

Just wanted to encourage you. Sorry this was so long.


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