a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Lavender Whip.

Basket Purse, Vintage Ferragamos: Thrifted.
Camel Beret: AA.
Lipstick in Revlon's 'Primrose.'

 I've had this thought on my mind for awhile lately, pondering it and just kind of trying to figure things out. I'm 19, nearly 20 years old. I have a completely free summer to do whatever I please with who ever I want. I've been single for almost a year now.

But I don't want to date.

The idea sends shivers down my back and makes my heart feel heavy. What 19 year old girl has absolutely no desire to date? To have fun and meet new people and just live a little? I don't know, I guess just me. I find it strange that the idea repulses me, that it wouldn't matter if the man of my dreams walked into my regular coffee shop and asked me out. I just wouldn't want to. 

I've tried to figure out why I feel like this and I really don't know. Sometimes I think it's the fact that I don't trust any guy after what happened to me. No matter how good of a guy, I just can't learn to completely trust again. Another thing I think is I just don't want to go through all of that again. It was the most heart wrenching, painful, slow improving thing to go through to get over someone. For me, no amount of happy times will ever be worth that again. I don't think I could survive another time around.

It's frustrating because I don't know why I can't be like everyone else and just jump back into the dating game. Other people get over things in a blink of an eye, starting to get close to someone almost immediately after something else ends. And I just don't get that. How can you push your feelings and hurt away so quickly, heal the wounds and present them to someone else to rip open again? Even though I'm over all of that healing process (most days) I still feel unready to jump back in. 

And I feel bad about it. That I have to be so cold hearted and callous to any affection and to push away anyone who tries. I've gone on dates this summer and I just get angry at myself thinking, "Lauren, this is a perfectly nice guy who hasn't done anything wrong to you. Why can't you give him a chance? Why can't you return his affections?" There's this one guy who is completely kind and understanding but I've just shut him out and pretty much told him that there's no chance and he just keeps trying. How do you let someone down who's done nothing wrong and tell them it's just you, that things aren't going to change? I truly don't know.

Have any of you experienced this ever? This total and utter aversion to dating, relationships, and all that jazz?

With much love, Lauren.



Anonymous said...

Hi Lauren,
I enjoy reading your blog and seeing your wonderful style.
I don't think what you are going through is abnormal at all. I had a break up and a year later I was finally over it, but I was not ready to date. I was happy by myself and relationships, even when they are good, make your emotions so much more volatile because your happiness, and sadness, is tied to someone else. I wasn't ready to deal with that and it took a while to finally get to the point where I was ready to let someone else in.
I hope this helps and good luck!

Anonymous said...

It's not odd that you don't want to date and you don't have to date if you don't want to. You don't even have to go on dates if you don't want to. You seem like you still need time to heal. It's okay to take time to do that. You can directly tell the guy that you're not ready and he should respect that.

Sarah Blackburn said...

Not wanting to date at nineteen nearly twenty is nothing weird or strange and you are not the the only one. I didn't want to date at that age either from the sounds of it you have the same dread I did at that age. I did get asked out but I always turned them down, although I did have a very short relationship and it was horrible, and probably contributed to my not accepting anyone else. If a person is right for you they will wait for you, a year isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things give yourself time to do the things that you want, you don't have to jump into another relationship :). It took me until 22 before I seriously dated anyone and that person was one of the ones who had asked me out when I was about 18/19. He knew he wanted to date me since he first met me at 16/17, but it was five years later when things felt right and we both wanted to date before we went out. He waited all that time and remained my friend until we could be together. So please don't rush things take your time grow and learn who you are first don't rush into things you don't feel ready for :) As long as you are happy that is what matters :). Also trust in God that he will reveal things to you at the right time he knows what you need and when you need it :).
Long winded as always Sarah from the UK

Unknown said...

First of all, that dress is just so adorable! I love you in purple.

Secondly, that isn't weird that you don't want to date right now. It doesn't really matter about age really; it is just that you know that you aren't ready for that. I mean, you said it yourself, you can't trust guys right now - and that's okay. After a major heartbreak like that it is good and healthy to take some time to do you, no matter how long that it is. It is different for everyone.

I experienced the same thing when I started college after everything that happened with the guy that broke my heart. It took me awhile to get over that, and that included the summer after college. In fact, it kind of took me off guard when I started being interested in guys again, but then I was really just excited to have a little crush on someone, take it easy, and not be so serious. Remember your feelings aren't weird - they just are. Don't ever worry about your feelings not being normal!


Nancy Wilde said...

Wow, girl, you look dreamy! Love the lilac hue, really flatters you and your skintone :)

About dating guys... I'm 24 and never had a boyfriend. However, there's this social pressure that makes you feel weird if you aren't dating, flirting or in a relationship - as they say "you're so young and pretty, why are you single?! what's wrong with you?".
I also have intimacy issues with men, it's not easy to give myself to them unless I'm head over heels passionate, which is also dangerous cause it means I'm vulnerable...
Anyway, just have fun, with or without dating. And a girls night out is funnier than a date sometimes...

kelsey said...

I really appreciate how open you are, Lauren! Reading this made me think of Proverbs 4:23, "Guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life." I personally don't think your natural inclination to be wary when dating is weird; it seems like wisdom to me!

Also, on a completely unrelated note, this dress is absolutely dreamy! The color looks so lovely on you. xx

Unknown said...

Don't worry. You'll get back in the dating game when you're ready! You're just not ready yet, that's all.

Also this dress looks amazing on you! You look so gorgeous! I love the pretty floral detailing and the deep-v in the back.

Et tu, tutu? said...

Hey Lauren, it's totally fine that you don't want to date. I heard somewhere that however long a relationship was, it takes at least half that to get over it. You were with your old boyfriend for so long, you can't expect that pain to just fade, even if you do think you are over it. Just enjoy being young and being single, and enjoy having fun in university. The right guy will come along and it will FEEL right, so you'll know it's time. Be a bit more gentle with yourself, and just let yourself continue to heal. <3


Nerd Burger said...

What a beautiful colour, and I love the detail on the top. So pretty.
I think your want to not date is because most dudes now days put no effort in.

Delaney Y said...

This dress looks so pretty with your skin tone! :)

Anonymous said...

A post from your heart! Kinda miss that from you. "Tis better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all. Just ask Noah.

marcia said...

gah... so so cute.
the third shot is my favorite.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lauren!
I love the backline of your dress, looks so pretty!
I totally understand how you feel, I'm just the same. I never understood how people could just jump from one relationship to another, without taking the time to get over their previous one. I find being constantly in relationships is the weird thing, and not wanting to date after a huge disappointment totally normal! Not "needing" to be in a relationship just shows you're an independent woman, there's nothing wrong with that! Just take the time you need to heal, and afterwards you won't be that scared to get hurt again.
About the boy, I was in a similar situation once, and I just could just not even imagine to be dating anyone. A friend told me that if somebody is genuinely interested in you, he will still be in 6 months, or whenever you're ready. She turned out to be right, the guy never gave up hope and after about a year (!) we started dating and I'm really happy =)


Sammi said...

First of all, MAJOR dress envy here. Oh my gosh. How gorgeous is this!! And the wicker bag and adorable shoes are perfect with it. Secondly, I think you're on the money when you say it might be that you're not ready to put yourself out there or trust someone after the heartbreak you experienced -- and that's PERFECTLY okay!! I think you're probably how I am - that when you are in a relationship, you give yourself fully and have been vulnerable, and that can be something that can lead to a lot of pain. Even knowing that, I'd still rather be that way than not feel at all. I think the fact that you are ENJOYING being single, that you're enjoying your life the way it is right now, is a great sign! I know you've struggled with depression, and you seem like you're in an awesome place right now - so don't second guess that! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! This is the time of your life where you SHOULD be having fun, taking time for yourself, and figuring out who you are, what you want, and where you want to go. I think that when you're ready, you will know. Until then, don't try to overanalyze or put it under a microscope. Just focus on what (and who) makes you happy, and forget the rest.

xox Sammi

i said...

love your dress! xx

nicole said...

"Other people get over things in a blink of an eye, starting to get close to someone almost immediately after something else ends. And I just don't get that. How can you push your feelings and hurt away so quickly, heal the wounds and present them to someone else to rip open again?"
I used to - and still do - think this same thing. But the truth is that, after David and I broke up - then continued talking for a year - and then he really, truly ended things, Jordan had already asked me out, and I said 'okay' not realizing it was really a date. And the first couple weeks of 'dating' Jordan, I was a mess, and I made sure he knew it. But even though I tried to end it, something made me call him a couple of days later. I have no idea how I got so close to him so soon after having the biggest heartbreak of my life. It hadn't been my choice. I still agree with your words, though I'm confused because it happened to me.

But don't even worry about not wanting to date! It doesn't matter how much time has passed, if you're not ready and you don't want to, no one is going to judge you (or at least, no decent person) because that is all up to you. Especially after what happened to you. Just give yourself the time that you need :) This is a really great time for you to focus on yourself & figure out who you are & what you love.

- nicole

Katie Selt said...

I have an incredibly hard time trusting people--male or female--because of how many times I've been lied to and deceived by a boyfriend.

When I was 15, I had my first official boyfriend. He was dreamy, and popular, so it was an absolute dream for me. But, as the year long relationship progressed, he became more abusive, physically and mentally. I tried breaking it off for a while, but we eventually broke up, because he was cheating on me. And, the boyfriend I had after that one is a compulsive liar who also, cheated on me, and is now engaged to the girl he cheated on me with.

I'm lucky enough to be a with a guy now who is genuine and truthful, but it took me years to trust him enough to get close to him.

Not wanting to date isn't a bad thing. You don't have to date. You don't have to have a relationship. You're perfectly happy being single, and you're young. You dated a guy for 5 years. That's insane! That's longer than a lot of people's marriage. So, naturally, when you've only been with one guy, or have had such a long relationship, you're going to take some time to actually get over it. to get that feeling again.

Anonymous said...

love your dress! :)
Irene Wibowo

Miranda said...

Beautiful dress, beautiful post. I've read all the comments, and absolutely agree with what everyone is saying. Everyone is so bent on getting a boyfriend, and being in a committed relationship. Take time for yourself! You sound like you're having a great time at college. Enjoy finding out about your major and who you are. I'm sure you'll find the right guy at the right time, even if it's a while down the road :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Lauren, have you read the book "I kissed dating goodbay" by Joshua Harris? It is great book and I it has given me lots of advice when I was younger. I am 23 years old, I have never been kissed and never dated anyone. I wanted to wait for someone special, that God will bring to me. And it happened now - I have met the most wonderful guy, who was also waiting and not dating anyone and he is almost 26! So don't be afraid and trust God that He will bring the best man for you in the right time.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lauren, have you read the book "I kissed dating goodbay" by Joshua Harris? It is great book and I it has given me lots of advice when I was younger. I am 23 years old, I have never been kissed and never dated anyone. I wanted to wait for someone special, that God will bring to me. And it happened now - I have met the most wonderful guy, who was also waiting and not dating anyone and he is almost 26! So don't be afraid and trust God that He will bring the best man for you in the right time.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand how you feel! I was in a very serious relationship for about 6 months and when we broke up I felt like my heart would never heal. I went out with a bunch of guys but never felt any sort of butterflies or urge to keep seeing them. Finally, two years ago, I met a boy who is so sweet and good to me that we've stayed together for all this time! I think it just takes some time for your heart to recover... and it definitely takes an extraordinary boy to make you realize that all is not lost! Just keep doing you until you meet someone special enough to share your time with. Until then, never settle!

Xo, Hannah


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Anonymous said...

so I love Oxfords, especially multi-colored ones, and yours are beautiful. However, that dainty lavender dress is the most beautiful thing ever. Oh my goodness. So lovely.
I absolutely don't think you should feel the need or urge to date, there is nothing wrong with being single! And not to get too opinionated, but refraining from relationships when you're younger and not ready for something long-term can save you a lot of heart ache.

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