a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Goodbyes Hurt the Most.

Magenta Skirt: Thrifted.
Teal Long Sleeved Shirt: Forever21.
Black Stilettos: Burlington.
Gold Chain Earrings: Thrifted.
Charm Necklace: Forever21.

So I figure it's time that I actually write about all of the issues I've been having lately instead of always discreetly hinting around that I'm going through a rough time.

Although it's something I've always struggled with, my loneliness is becoming quite more prominent. As my junior year winds down, I draw closer and closer to my dreaded senior year. I dread my senior year with such fervor because the person who has been here for me always,my one and only best friend and boyfriend, will be graduating this coming spring and will be heading off to college in the coming fall. Thus, leaving me to rot away in high school by myself. When I state by myself, I literally mean by myself with no other friends to help me through these supposed "best years of my life."

I'm in somewhat of a hopeless situation. The time is drawing nearer than I thought for my ultimate isolation from my classmates to occur. My boyfriend has always kept me somewhat in tune with my classmates because he is well liked, friendly, funny, and quite popular among our peers. Without him, however, I am considered quiet, weird, stuckup, a loser, and just plain different. It always seems as though I'm better at losing friends than I am at making them. I try my darnest to be friendly and make friends at my school, however, I always seem to just epically fail. It of course doesn't help that I don't swear, drink, smoke, do drugs, or have sex. Activities about 80% of my classmates participate in. Then if even for a short while people are interested in me, they find out I'm not actually interesting or fun at all and procede to abandon me.

I think that's what hurts the most is the abandonment. Being left behind while everyone else moves on. Throughout my life I've always been the one tossed aside by one group of friends or another. They use me for a short period of time, build me up to think I finally have found a group to belong in, then dump me. It's been the pattern of my life with friendships on and off for years, and I can never quite figure out why this happens to me. I just long to find one friend who won't abandon me. Who can love me for me and always be by my side. At this point in time I feel rather hopeless I'll ever find that person. I've tried and looked. Searched and gave my everything, but that person I long for so badly just never appears. I'm just so incredibly tired of being disappointed.

My last hope is to find this person at college, where everyone tells me I will find the people who will truly matter and be my best friends. But what if it doesn't happen for me? What if I'm doomed to live a life of isolation from society and loneliness forever? It's just so hard to have hope when I've been let down so many times. I pray for God to send me just one person to change my mind. To show me that I'm not alone in this cruel world...

A quote from my favorite book, Someone Like You, sums it up perfectly for me: "Life is an awful, ugly place not to have a best friend." I truly couldn't agree more.

With much love, Lauren.


Sara said...

first of all, i love your outfit and the contrast between the two colors, absolutely stunning! and believe me, im not a person who is surrounded by many people too so don't feel like your alone, i think we'd be awesome friends in real life! i could totally relate to your situation! hopefully we both find real friends in college :) btw im a junior too!


Miranda said...

First of all, good for you for having higher moral standards then the people at your school. Never change that, they're not worth it.
And there's always a special someone for everybody! You might just have to wait for them. But they'll show up. Hang in there :)

Shady Del Knight said...

Here is one friend who won't abandon you, Lauren. I think you can tell by now that I care about you and for that reason please allow me to share something that I have learned from experience. You have the power to create a senior year or even a here and now that is different from that which you have described. I must ask if you have ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that causes itself to become true. If you are already predicting that it will be you against the world then you are programming your mind for that to happen. Without even being aware of it your behavior, verbal communication and body language will reflect that mindset and produce that outcome. You are "coming from scarcity" when you could just as easily come from abundance. If 80% of your classmates use foul language, smoke, drink, do drugs and have sex then that still leaves 20% of them that do not. Seek friendships within that group. I'm sure there are others who feel just as lonely as you do. Don't assume in advance that you will fail because that sets the stage for failure. Always assume that things are going to work out with people and don't panic the moment things seem to be taking a turn for the worse. Continue to be optimistic, patient, tolerant and resourceful. Even when people appear to be rejecting you hang in there anyway and be genuinely friendly toward them. Make an effort to find common ground. Get real with them. Communicate honestly. Find a way to relate to them without compromising your own values. Don't set a time limit on getting results. Give it time and keep working on building rapport with people you really want as friends. Focus outward and be a good friend to others as a random act of kindness. Everybody has problems and fears and if you can forget about yours long enough to reach out and help somebody with their issues you might wind up with a friend for life.

Sandy said...

Hi Lauren,

It's so heartbreaking to read those words, especially when you are smiling so bravely in your pictures. The contrast makes me want to cry.

I haven't followed your blog for a very long time, but to be honest one of the major reasons that drew me to your blog is because I find you so different from all the other teenage bloggers. And I mean it in a good way. You are so much more humble, more down to earth, and unassuming. This kind of innocence is so rare to find in most teenagers these days, let alone those so-called young fashionistas that spend their parents money on designer clothes.

I have been through high school years, as well as college years. I can speak from experience that people you meet in college are the ones that will stay in your life for a long time or even forever. Some of my close friends are the ones that I met AFTER I started working.

Although it may be hard for you to realize this, but high school isn't the entire world. You are very young and still have a long way to go. There are so many wonderful people that you haven't met yet. Those in your high school is only a very small fraction of the people you meet in your lifetime.

I applaud you for standing your own groud and not letting those kids pressure you into doing drugs and smoking. If loneliness is the cost, I'd say it's worth it, in the long run!

A practical advice: I'd say apply for a college far away from home. This will push you to get out of your comfort zone to make friends. Because without a family close by, all you have left is friends.

Okay I think I've rambled for too long. One last thing I wanna say: I don't believe anyone will want to turn away from you as long as you smile brightly you smiled in your pictures.

Keep your head up!


April said...

Aww, baby. Hugs! Mental hugs for you! I hope that you find a job so maybe that can take up some of your time and loneliness.

CaptMO/ DJ ABO said...

Dearest Lauren, these by far are NOT the bvest years of your life!!! Yes, maybe the best of the "comfortable" years, or supposed to be, but the years to come when you're independent and the fate of your world is in your hands without a life net, are the best years to come! Your lack of friends right now is not a major obstacle. Yes, a few to have that you can tell others about would be nice, but your best friends will be coming around towards the end of your college life. There will be other short term friends all the way, but it's once you find where you're going to after college that you'll find the people that you'll be spending years and years with. If any consolation at all, I'll be here as support always if you need it, though seemingly not "real" as I'm only online, but never fear that I am not one to just ditch friends. You're probably one of the most "real" people I've found online and therefore worth every last word I speak to you! As far as isolation through the rest of your life? I highly doubt it! The expertise you have in fashion, if you choose such a future path, will definitely not allow for solitude! The words you put in this blog show that you will not be alone for your entire life either! Too many people share your stories and your interests. There is always hope and friends all around. Better news is that once out of high school, you get the chance to re-make yourself to someone new or to stay the same and see what the new world will present to you to start out again. I have plenty of faith in your growth and finding your friends! :-)

CaptMO/ DJ ABO said...

PS - That is the greatest skirt/top combo EVER!!!! I totally love the colors!!! And if you'd like, look for me on Facebook, farfegnuggen@hotmail.com I tend to show a LOT more of my personality there! :-)

Unknown said...

Sweet Lauren,
You are so thoughtful and beautiful :0)
I don't wish to make light of this time for you, as pain is pain,, no matter why or who........
But I can tell you from experience, that my high-school years were the worst of my life as well, BUT in hindsight, it was because I was so afraid of being unpopular, or just plain ignored.
I was never asked to prom.......
I felt very sad and sorry for myself.
I wish I'd had someone to tell me that this is sooo temporary, and the best years really are yet to come, I SWEAR !!!!!
My advise to you would be:
BE YOURSELF. There is no one more special than YOU and as soon as you begin to think that you are terrific just As You are, YOU will automatically attract into your life the people who are supposed to be there,
Feel your feelings, but also keep it in your mind and heart that these years are supposed to be tough, that's what growing up is, but through pain and fear, we find ourselves!
How wonderful for you !!!!!!
I wish I could be there to start over with you!
This is truly a special time for you to make decision about your future goals and desires.
The 'popular' crowd are usually the ones who end up not knowing who they are, because they have relied on what other's tell them, they don't really know who they are by the time they are older ! They were 'mirroring each other' instead of becoming their unique selves ;)
You will be fine, I promise and e-mail me anytime- I am very wise ;)

OrigamiGirl said...

I am sorry you are having such a bad time at high school. However I would agree with several other commenters they are NOT 'the best years of your life'.
My old English teacher said to me that 'every period of your life will be better than the last, high school will not be as good as sixth form and university will be better than that, but the best years of my life have been with my wife' I know it is soppy but so far he has been remarkably true. I was bullied at high school. At sixth form I actually hanged out with a group who did smoke and drugs and sex whilst I didn't and they didn't care. I was the sensible one that they trusted with secrets. They did on ocassion acuse me of being boring but I knew I could be fun in other ways. So I am saying that the people who do those things dont necessarily only want to hang out with people just like them.

And trust me, you will find people at uni/college. There is just such a wider pool of people! There are people of every sort imaginable and so many sports clubs or societies to join that you will find somewhere you belong.

I am very sorry though that the present is not great. Perhaps try talking to other people who don't seem to fit in so well. But also believe that within the popular groups there will be people who feel uncomfortable and alone and want a real friend.
Trust that things can and will improve.

Victoria / Justice Pirate said...

Oh no! that does sound horrible. I remember how I hated when my husband graduated high school and I still had anothe ryear. it felt like the slowest but fasted year ever. . slow because it was boring but fast because it really did go quickly just as I prayed. The thing is my husband waited a couple years before he went to school (we were married a month before he went to a local technical school facility). I remember crying when he graduated because I thought he was going to leave me like most couples turn out to have happen afterwards, but we were blessed. It is going to be hard on you especially since your boyfriend will be away. I understand that loneliness feeling because my husband was the second friend I ever made and I depend on him so much still. Anyway. . you could always get married hahahaha. oooo I'm so bad that I recommend young marriages to people. haha.

Emily said...

Lauren, I found your blog awhile back through a feature somewhere else (can't remember where) and I have to say you really have a wonderful sense of style. I kind of poured over your posts from beginning to end and it's awesome to see how you're evolving! Today's color combination is absolutely stunning. :)

That said, I totally understand how dreadful high school is - so glad to be out of there! The best part about it is that it ends! It's hard to feel like you don't have a support system. I just tried to be generally friendly to everyone, and though I didn't make any lasting friendships, I saw and heard enough to realize that I was lucky to not have to deal with any of the immature drama that consumed everyone else. Have faith that you'll meet people eventually...try looking for the person in the corner - maybe they're feeling like you. But don't worry! High School isn't exactly the place for mature, serious types anyway. You'll find your niche soon enough, though it may not be in high school. Just stay hopeful.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say, good for you sticking to being true to yourself. It is so easy to do things that are really uncharacteristic just to fit in. I was always the one who didn't seem to fit into any group at school/sixth form but then, when I stopped trying I suddenly discovered I had a brilliant set of very close friends. And then when I came to Uni, things got even better. You will find it gets better, I'm sure :) Hang on in there...:)

Caroline said...

dear lauren,
there are tears in my eyes. you are such a beautiful girl. you represent to me what beauty truly is. you are just so sweet and honest. and i hope that you'll never give up. don't stop being good because it's difficult. you could participate in all the activities your classmates do and be 'normal,' but you don't. and for that, i'm so so very proud of you. i think you must be my favorite blogger of all time, for your honesty, your sincerity, and your smile. you make all of us want to follow your example.
may God bless you always and the Blessed Virgin Mary keep you enveloped in her mantle.
--someone very touched.

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