a personal style blog by Lauren Pfieffer

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

The Inbetween.

Dress, Hat: c/o OASAP.
Sandals: c/o Boohoo.
Necklace: c/o SparkleBox.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy. And I can't blame them really. Maybe a few years from now I will look back with jaded remorse and see in hindsight that I really was crazy and that I should have listened to everyone else. Or maybe, and this is what I really hope, I'll be the one who gets to smile triumphantly back at those people in defiance, in pure glee, and say "I was right. This was right for me."

I want to move back to New York. I mean, I really, really do. When my eyelids flutter open into the brilliant morning sunlight cascading through my blinds it's the first thing I think about; and usually as I drift away to the monotonous clicking of my ceiling fan into the final day's rest it's the last thing I think about. I'll think about it as I drum my pencil mindlessly against the desk while I sit in hot and sticky classrooms learning about apparel in the global economy or my much less favored geography course. I'll think about it as I walk through campus on the pathways with giant trees towering over me with their leaves just beginning to gently fall down as the autumnal equinox takes over today. And then I think about it every time I make a cafe mocha or a latte or a smoothie or a cappuccino at my barista job. Because I think, "making this drink is going to get me there. I'm going to get there."

I'm going to get there. I don't care if the housing market is less than 1% free. I don't care if it's the most cut throat industry where competing for jobs is like competing for the world cup. I don't care that I'll be a broke college graduate with the foreboding of student loans as my six months after I graduate creeps up. I can say I don't care, I don't care, I don't care about all these things....and in a way, I don't. But in another way I do so much. Because as much as they are realities I want to overcome, to defeat, to stand victoriously over...they are realities I cannot brush off nonchalantly. They terrify me because they stand in the way of my dream and my need to get back to this city where I never, ever in a million years imagined I would be. 

I want to remain positive, to remain confident that I can find a job before I graduate that pays well enough to let me live in a half way decent place and make it without starving. I want to be able to stare those people in the eye who smirk at me and say, "you think you can do it? you really think you can?" and say 

"yes. I will. I did. And I'll continue to."

Some days seem hopeless. I look at my situation and I just don't know. I look at the prices of apartments and my heart sinks. I'll think about the connections and credentials it takes to find a fashion job in New York City. And then I think about what it means to pay all my bills and be completely on my own; maybe only seeing my family a few times a year. And I don't know if I can do it.

And then. I remember standing on the Brooklyn Bridge looking back at the City and being awestruck by its beauty. Truly, breathless with love. And knowing, (that feeling when you just know, with all your heart, soul, and mind) that that is where you belong. And I think back to that moment, all the time. And I want to relive it every day for the rest of my life, over and over again knowing I am where I belong. That my soul will finally find rest in where it resides.

Maybe this next time someone looks at me with doubt I'll be able to look at them with confidence and say, and mean it

"Yes, I'm going to move to New York."

With much love, Lauren.


Madison said...

So inspired by your post Lauren! I definitely believe that as crazy as some of our dreams are and as out of our minds as we seem to some people dreams.....the ones worth the risk....worth the leap of faith....the ones meant to be really and truly can and will happen one day. If we stay positive like you said then those dreams most certainly can become a reality one day...as a famous quote once said "anything is possible if you believe!"
All the best wishes:)

Kezzie said...

It is great to have aspirations. You'll be successful I'm sure. But make sure you finish your degree first, I know Kate-Gabrielle regrets not finishing her degree first as does my friend Liz who left our music degree with one year to go to do something else.

Anonymous said...

Maybe u could just move to nj, its a cheaper option and its 10 min away from nyc.try weehawken or jersey city

Ada Ciuca said...

This is exactly how I feel about Los Angeles. So beautifully written and so inspirational, Lauren! <3 I wish you the best of luck with achieving your dream. I'm so sure that you have it in you to do it.


Unknown said...

fab look

Unknown said...

I feel the exact same way! I dream of living in New York but am pulled back to reality when I look at apartment prices. I also dream of having a job in fashion and I have had people in the past think that is not a good idea or don't believe in me. I just want to prove them wrong and to live my dream and it WILL happen and it WILL happen for you too :)


Sarah said...

Lauren- I can relate so much to this post. I also want to move somewhere else- London. And I know that it's near impossible, considering the student debt I will have, and the fact that my english major won't easily get me a job, but I want to do it. I want to be there, and work there, and eat and sleep there. I still don't know how I'll do it, but deep down I know that its my dream. *gets nostalgic*

I would love it if you visited me!

Sarah said...

^^ I was also going to add- Don't lose faith! Just work hard, and not to quote Cinderella (I love that movie don't judge me), but "have courage, and be kind".

Best of luck Lauren!

Anonymous said...

Hi Lauren!

You look so beautiful! I am just curious as to why you don't have your ears pirced. ( mine aren't either lol) Just curious.

Love your lipstick color!



Anonymous said...

Dreams are what keep us alive! Don't stop dreaming, no matter how crazy people think you are. And give your concerns to God. If He wants you back in New York, He'll make a way! He's done so many miracles in my life and allowed me to fulfill so many dreams (like live in Scotland for nearly a year, run a marathon only two years after being bedridden from an illness, and return to school in my 30s to pursue a bachelor's degree--I'll graduate next May just like you), that I can only stand in awe of all He's done for me.

So keep dreaming, Lauren, and most of all, trust God! Even if He doesn't take you exactly where you expect, He'll take you somewhere even better than you can imagine. :)


SB said...

If NY is where you are meant to be then NY you will be. I don't think it is silly or wrong to have such a strong desire. God has guided you on your journey so far and I trust and believe that he will continue to do so. He led you to NY for a reason perhaps that reason is that you should end up there, perhaps not immediatly, perhaps not as soon as you graduate but perhaps some day in the future. Continue to listen to him and he will place you right where you are meant to be.

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