On becoming a first time dog mom in my 30s

Me at age 9 with a family friends' dogs

I grew up with cats. My childhood was filled with them, whether they were my grandma's or ours that I had until I was 20. Then, a few years later I adopted Tito just after moving to New York.

Owning a dog was never something I desired or really pictured for my life. There were always kids in my grade school classes begging their parents for silky labradors or hypoallergenic poodle mixes, playing Nitendogs on their DS as proof they could take care of one in real life. Their pencil cases were covered in Lisa Frank style dog stickers and lined notebooks boasted holographic puppies on the front.

I didn't share my peers' obsession. My core memory of a dog was formed around age 8 when I was helping my best friend with her paper route. Sometimes if I slept over from Saturday into Sunday, I would help out. Her mom would drive us door to door in the family minivan and we would hop out, bringing the papers to the porch. 

One morning I went up to a house and a dog startled me. The dog surely could sense my trepidation, and started running towards me. I took off stumbling backwards towards the safety of the minivan, terrified as the dog barked after me. Tripping over my sandals, I fell and scrapped my legs on the driveway. It's one of those memories that is traumatizing from a child's perspective but probably wasn't as dramatic in real life. But it's always stuck with me and influenced the way I saw dogs.

Big personality to match a big pup

When I first started dating C, he introduced me to Benji. At the time, Benji was a year and a half old St. Pyrenees pup, a mixture between a St. Bernard and a Great Pyrenees. He was huge. Already relatively terrified of dogs, having a 100lb tornado of fur jumping at me was startling and off-putting. He was still in his puppy years and naughty, full of rambunctious energy and the stubborn disposition Pyrs are known for. Truthfully, sometimes I dreaded dealing with Benji. He seemed to validate my pre-conceived notions of dogs.

Over the next year and a half as C and I dated long distance, I began to get to know Benji better. I was no longer scared, but I still didn't feel comfortable being around him. When we decided it was time for C and Benji to move to New York, I had so many questions in my heart I was afraid to say out loud. Could I live with a dog? Take care of one? How much harder were things going to be in NYC now with a large breed dog?

Tito and Benji up close & personal during our move. They tolerate each other, at best lol.

We drove C and Benji's things from Ohio to New York in a U-Haul on a hot August Day. Stuck in a tight crate for 8 hours, Benji cried most of the trip (not that I blame him). But a part of me wondered, "was this a mistake?"

When we got to New York, there was an adjustment for all of us. I watched C as he casually held Benji's retractable leash in his hand, the cord swaying easily back and forth. "Do you want to try?" he asked.

I gripped his leash so tight my fingers hurt. I had never walked a dog before. I was terrified he was going to get loose, that maybe I'd drop the leash and we'd lose him forever. My joints ached for days after because I'd held onto him so tightly. Every time a person passed us on a walk, I panicked. I was filled with shame, feeling like they must sense I didn't know what I was doing and judging me.

Warming up to each other those first months after the move

The first few months were hard as I learned to coexist and care for Benji. Having a dog was such foreign territory to me: everything from taking him out, to playing, grooming, training, and feeding.

I was struggling. I was constantly feeling shame about not knowing what I was doing. So, I started reading more on taking care of dogs, particularly his breed, and what their needs were. Slowly over time, my fear started to fade away and I was able to comfortably be with Benji alone. 

Becoming BFFs <3

I started singing him songs in the morning and taking his leash on walks with C. I was able to groom him properly and knew how far he could walk before he started to overheat. I understood his triggers that made him reactive and how to calm him down. I learned his "sweet" spot for scratches that makes his leg twitch and the places that will always be a no-go (Lord help us when we touch his paws).

At 6 months of living with Benji, I really felt like I was getting this dog mom thing down.

Then in February Benji had his first seizure. It was terrifying for C and I to wake up and see him experience a full-body, grand mal seizure for the first time. We cried for hours after getting back from the ER, traumatized by what we'd seen and what Benji had been through. We didn't leave him alone for two weeks, making sure one of us was always at the apartment in case he had another one.

Saying goodbye to Benji for his 24hr stay at the pet ER 

He continued to have seizures more consistently and it broke us. I felt such a helplessness in my heart for Benji, not knowing how to stop them. He started on one seizure medicine and after a terrifying cluster of three seizures within 8 hrs, we added a second medicine. I looked into his deep, big eyes, not understanding how something so awful could happen to this sweet animal.

Spending time together in Ohio. Such a nature boy.

Over the last few months, we've been adjusting to our new normal to control Benji's epilepsy. We give him medicine twice a day and take him in for regular blood draws to monitor his levels. Since May, he's been seizure-free as I write this <3 

Benji & I this August spending time outside, our fave thing to do together.

It has been a journey. One that has brought me infinitely closer to Benji and I feel changed as a person because of him. I am a better person because of Benji. He has taught me how to love and care unconditionally. When I spend time with him or look into his soft eyes, I feel such a beautiful love for him and desire to always make sure he is taken care of. In a sense, I feel like his mother. 

More recently, I've been spending a lot more one-on-one time with Benji while C is at work and it has given me an even deeper connection to him. I see his unique moods and personality quirks that make him so, so special. While there are moments of irritation still (why do we have to sniff every single thing on the block?), I never thought I'd say this, but...I love being a dog mom.

Has having a pet changed your life and perspective? I'd love to hear!

With much love, 

Lauren